Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Not This Award Season

My number of visits and page views has been through the roof for the last few days, so naturally I decided that my genius was finally being appreciated and not taken for granted like it was the other day on the bus when the driver was all "Please sit down,sir...I know where the liquor store is and could you please tie up your robe?" That guy was a jerk, but my readers are geniuses and they keep coming back for more and that's what SHE said. Hahahhaahaha.

So naturally I started preparing for all the award ceremonies and interviews I would be doing soon and a good portion of my day was spent practicing my "natural laugh" as I am amused by some recollection by Matt Lauer of something I wrote that was so amazing and clever that it made womens' panties leap off of them, and then I got to work on spending all the money I will be making in ad revenue, and that's right, if you thought that there was no way a suave, sophisticated,genius, rapscallion like me would go corporate, then you forgot that I am a pirate by nature, and it's pretty much my destiny to rob from the rich and give to the me. But I will never forget my loyal readers and with the proper incentive I will totally mention you when I collect my first round of Oscars. I'll be all "...and thanks to all my loyal readers (*pause for "natural laugh"*) without whom I wouldn't be where I am today, flying into the Academy awards on a hovercraft powered by robots having sex, unless you believe in fate, in which case I was destined to be here, so screw them."

It was about this time I checked Google Analytics© and saw that all the hits were coming from one blog in particular, the one about the pooping dog and then I delved further and saw it was really just a world-wide rush of hits on that image of CatDog that I posted, and had nothing at all to do with my writing. And that made me wonder if there was some kind of CatDog related news item that I was unaware of, because why the sudden interest in a 10 year-old Nickelodeon cartoon that wasn't even funny unless you tried to imagine him pooping and he was made by the same people who did that "Angry Beavers" cartoon which was equally unfunny in it's writing, but 10x as funny because of "Angry Beavers". And then I thought maybe a real life cat-dog was born somewhere and that would be a conflicted animal who would be growling and hissing pretty much all the time when it wasn't shitting out of it's own mouths.

And then I decided that I needed a nap and maybe a Pop-Tart© because I'm like Neo and I need to keep the world between the Matrix and reality in balance*. Your welcome.



* You may not understand how a nap and a Pop-Tart keeps the fragile cloak of an artificial reality pulled safely over the horror of the real world but that's okay because all you need to know is that a handsome genius has your back, yo.**

**My "yo"-ing to boost my street cred is working fantastically because the other day I saw a minority on the street and when I handed him my wallet and begged for my life he thanked me very sincerely, and then insisted he wasn't a mugger, and then gave it back and then went back into the Pizza shop where he worked, and if Italian isn't a minority then how come they have their own special kind of bread?

PS: If you think I'm only reposting that picture of CatDog to increase the number of hits to this blog artificially than I am shocked and horrified at that allegation, and what are you? Part super-detective?

23 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

I have a feeling that you may be reposting the same picture of the Catdog because you want to try and boost your fame once more by using a cheap trick you've already used once.

But since I'm just part super secret-monkey and not part super-detective I probably have no clue what I'm talking about.

Maelstrom said...

I will also be posting this picture of Catdog on my blog once each week from now on.

Char said...

I have the stat tracker thingy too.....I want to crack the code further but then I decided it might take like math or something and I am too lazy for math. Unless its about the raise in UE benes

Star Kicker said...

The same thing happened to me with a picture of Mother Theresa. I was fucking bitter.

http://uneasyinthebigeasy.blogspot.com/2008/06/popular.html

People have no clue what they're missing.

Anna Russell said...

I think you should give your acceptance speech in a kilt.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: You don't. And if you did, what would it cost me to buy your silence?

@Maelstrom: You should post the "Angry Beavers" and it can be like a pie-eating contest only instead of eating pie, we'll just sit around and look at stuff on the internet.

@Char: You just stick to photography. This is your chance, Sister.

@Star Kicker: Mother Theresa is way more classy than CatDog, so you should be proud AND bitter. Because that's a really attractive combo.

@Anna Russell: Done. If I win an Academy Award I will totally kilt it the fuck up.

Maelstrom said...

What about a picture of Mother Theresa blessing both Catdog and the Angry Beavers? Too much?

Mandy's Kidding said...

I did pimp you again. Do you think I still have blog viewing powers?

Nah.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: I would have stopped blogging long ago if not for your pimping and all-around benefactoriness. You and I go back like 3 years at this point, which in internet time equals "since 1922".

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

I've got a case of Pop Tars here with your name on it.

Kurt said...

@Julie: You just earned a shout-out on Oscar night.

Nikki said...

Again I am back on the kilt thing. Thanks Anna. Off to search the internet for photos.

Prosy said...

You must really like Poptarts because you bring them up alot. Are they sponsoring you? Quite frankly, they should. Have you seen that commercial where all the kids like the toaster strudels better than poptarts? Does that make you angry when you see it?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When I read that all your hits were coming from the blog about the pooping dog, I freaked out because I thought you might have noticed that LA, CA has dropped by no less than 865,000 times in the last week. I use your blogroll on the side as my reader. Oh, and the writing, the writing is grade A!

My beaver is really fucking angry.

Nikki said...

I wanna know how to follow my stalkers! Why don't I know about this? Umm, could be cause no one stalks me...

Kurt said...

@Nikki: Whatever you do, don't do a search for "Angry Beavers" unless you want to never sleep again.

@Prosy: The Toaster Struedel Syndicate has long attempted to undermine the awesomeness of Pop-Tarts© but they're just jealous. Also, I would totally be open to an endorsement deal even if it paid in delicious toaster pastries.

@SMU,Kid: I'm sorry about your beaver and I'm going to stop from commenting any further because the 12 year old in me is practically having a cardiac arrest at the possibilities, and also I just assumed the LA hits were coming from studio executives so no harm done!

@Nikki: The easiest way is with Google Analytics. You have to play around with HTML a little though, but not much.

Miss Yvonne said...

Pop Tarts totally kick Toaster Struedel's ass.

And if you think "yo-ing" in your post gives you street cred, you should see what it does when "Yo" is part of your blog title. I'm totally in with the Italian minorities.

Frank said...

Riding the bus to the Liquor store in your robe… Neo, you are my hero. Hey, you should issue bumper stickers or shirts or something.

Vic said...

I think your "natural laugh" has been a life-long work in progress, because I can hear it in my head, and it's SO natural! It's like the babbling brook of laughs. So, well done.

Ninety percent of my search hits are for interpretive canoeing. If we could find a picture of cat/dog IN a canoe, we could rule the internet.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I only get the weirdos who after my comment on anal sex and me going to hell in a handbasket come to my blog searching for "anal sex in a handbasket" Which just seems at little bit uncomfortable to me and only a little bit makes me want to run out and search for a handbasket...

Poptarts are the brain food of the gods.

Nikki said...

@Kurt I curse you for pointing me towards that site. I have been on a weird template trip for over an hour now and have landed absolutely nowhere with it. Thank you again.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: That's why I started Reading you, for the mad street cred, by proxy.

@Frank: Well I couldn't go in my boxers. Not after last time.

@Vic: Just let me know what you need and I'm there for you, like the main character in a ballad by Bon Jovi, only without the Bridge and Tunnel thing.

@Sarah: I know I'm supposed to respond about something-something anal sex something handbasket, but I got nothin' so I'm just going to do a cartwheel and say "Ta-da!"

@Nikki: I tried to warn you. Send me an email if you can't figure it out and I'll tell you what I did.

That Baldy Fella said...

I want a hovercraft powered by robots having sex. But only if they're robot dinosaurs. I'm very specific in my robotic sex powered conveyances.