Monday, March 2, 2009

Maybe Skip This One...It's about Peeing

I've been in my share of mens' rooms in bowling alleys and let me tell you they all have one thing in common. They all look like a crime scene about to happen. I was going to talk about how effed up mens' rooms are in general and how everytime I see one labelled "gentlemen" I wonder if that means no one has pissed on the floor. Well, let me be the first to say it NEVER means that. Everything on the far side of a public mens' room door has been peed on... like, a lot. I think it's probably in the Geneva Convention that men have the right to do that in public bathrooms. You might ask yourself "Why? Why would men just pee wherever first chance they got?" Well you might as well ask a rainbow why it shines.  And then ask yourself why your talking to optical illusions because you might be totally off your nut.

When I was growing up, at our local bowling alley, the ladies' room had a foyer* with a big mirror and a couch and I used to stand off to one side where no one could accuse me of trying to look at girl's peeing and covet that couch, which I guess was for swooning or something else to do with the vapors or menstration that you keep secret, but whatever the case I wanted a period couch in MY bathroom, but I couldn't have one because it would get peed on.  Girls are so fancy. (I used to have to clean women's restrooms for one day in college** and I know women are filthy too, so don't even TRY to blame this on wang. Wang is innocent. It's got a whole crowd outside the courthouse, chanting "Free Wang Now!" and a bunch of confused nymphomaniacs going "Where?!" and a smaller bunch of anti-wang protestors across the street in front of the church chanting "Burn in Hell, Wang!" but it is totally going to be exonerated from all charges). 

So I went into the men's room at the bowling alley on Saturday expecting a crime-scene in waiting and to not get a chance to rest on a period couch and I was not disappointed.  There...  carved into the fake wood paneling of the splash guard was this:

See? It's funny because instead of Uranus they carved "your anus".

And then I thought, did someone carve that while they were peeing, because if they did I bet they have a HUGE bladder and great multi-tasking abilities and they probably peed on their shoes and the owners get SUPER angry when you wear their bowling shoes outside and get them snowy, so imagine how mad they would be knowing soemone was defacing their bathroom AND pissing on their shoes.  I bet they would have a few choice words to say about that.  And then I realized I had been standing there reading and analyzing and taking pictures of the toilet for too long and everyone was going to think I was pooping, so now what? Do I go out and be all : "I totally was just peeing in there and not pooping and who are you to judge how long I stay in the bathroom and why are you even paying attention to that in the first place? Are you some kind of deviant"? And then they would rush at me, swinging chairs and samurai swords and I would leap off the ball return and swing on the chandelier and then Kate Capshaw would sing "Anything Goes." in Chinese and then Short Round would pull the car around and we would dive out the window behind a gong.  And the whole time I'm reliving Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I'm still standing in the bathroom, so now they are definitely going to think I was pooping. If only I had a period couch, I could just say I was napping.

*I know, right? A foyer? It was pretty much like walking into Buckingham Palace every day if you went to Buckingham Palace for the sole purpose of taking a crap, which is pretty disrespectful if you ask me.

** I decided on that fateful day that of all the things there were in the world for a person to be, a piss mopper was not one for me. And then I had kids and pets, and everyday has a chance of piss-mopping so my whole life is like an O. Henry story.


Nikki said...

Ahhh, the period couch. This is why women are always so happy when they leave the restroom.

Frank said...

We just moved offices and went from a one stall in a closet to an eight stall, no waiting, Shangri-La. The downside is that it echoes like a flatus in a Cathedral.

Venom said...

That's not why... but you can't even pay to learn the real reason.

Never understood how you can write your name in the snow but can't keep that bloody thing pointed into the toilet...

Vic said...

Am I the only one who flinched when I read the phrase "they carved 'your anus'"?

Maybe it's all the constricting I did the other day, but now that all my happiness is dependent on my anus, I don't want any carving there.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Three posts in one day! I can't keep up with your prolificness!

What you do is, you come out of the bathroom and say something like, "Someone really stuck up the joint in there!" because everyone knows that the person who smelt it dealt it. Wait, that's not right. That would amount to an admission of guilt on your part. Damn, my brilliant strategy was foiled probably even before I was born! Kids are so smart. I have to come up with a new one, and definitely one that doesn't rhyme.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Also, the laughometer went to 11 on this one. Yes, 11, not 10. One more funnier.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I think the real question is why you are in a bowling alley so much?

I mean besides the obvious reason? Which is to sit on the couch in the woman's bathroom I am guessing.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: I have no idea why a chair won't work. It's always a couch. I say it's for swooning but who the hell knows.

@Frank:Xanadu had sex with Mt. Olympus, and what they gave birth to was an eight-stall bathroom that was always empty at work.

@Venom: Because writing requires focus and concentration while peeing in a mens' room just requires gravity and a drain (or not).

@Vic: Sorry. Hope I didn't cause an UCE (Unscheduled Clenching Event).

@SMU, Kid: I don't know who made that rule up but I still live by it like it was one of the Ten Commandments. 11 you say? Thanks!

@SBA: I spend a lot of time in bowling alleys because of all the opportunities to say "balls" to women and then wink and smirk. Oddly, this has never led to any romantic interludes, just lots of confused looks and then dawning horror.

Moonkee said...

I would totally use the loos in Buckingham Palace every time I had to pee if I were in London and had the opportunity to get to its loos. In fact I would make an effort to do so. I would leave my hotel room in the middle of the night and take a cab just to use the loos there.


Miss Yvonne said...

Just thought I'd point out that if you rented your bowling shoes, you might have been wearing the ones that the dude wore while he was carving "your anus" on the splash guard. You could have totally been wearing his piss shoes. Talk about irony.

Kurt said...

@Moonkee: I don't think they would appreciate all the foot traffic. Maybe you could pee in one of those guards-that-don't-smile's hats?

@Miss Yvonne: I've never bowled at these lanes but your point is well-made and I guess I'll just have to stick to the drinking.

Anna Russell said...

We use the couch to lie on whilst nubile young males feed us grapes.

And what do you mean wang is innocent? Wang is guilty, I tells ya. GUUUUUIIIIILTY!!!!!

Kurt said...

I was a nubile young male once. I never saw this job posted in the paper. What's up with that?

Anna Russell said...

The job isn't offered to English speakers so we can gossip freely around them.
You should have tried a non-English speaking country.