When I was growing up, at our local bowling alley, the ladies' room had a foyer* with a big mirror and a couch and I used to stand off to one side where no one could accuse me of trying to look at girl's peeing and covet that couch, which I guess was for swooning or something else to do with the vapors or menstration that you keep secret, but whatever the case I wanted a period couch in MY bathroom, but I couldn't have one because it would get peed on. Girls are so fancy. (I used to have to clean women's restrooms for one day in college** and I know women are filthy too, so don't even TRY to blame this on wang. Wang is innocent. It's got a whole crowd outside the courthouse, chanting "Free Wang Now!" and a bunch of confused nymphomaniacs going "Where?!" and a smaller bunch of anti-wang protestors across the street in front of the church chanting "Burn in Hell, Wang!" but it is totally going to be exonerated from all charges).
So I went into the men's room at the bowling alley on Saturday expecting a crime-scene in waiting and to not get a chance to rest on a period couch and I was not disappointed. There... carved into the fake wood paneling of the splash guard was this:
See? It's funny because instead of Uranus they carved "your anus".
And then I thought, did someone carve that while they were peeing, because if they did I bet they have a HUGE bladder and great multi-tasking abilities and they probably peed on their shoes and the owners get SUPER angry when you wear their bowling shoes outside and get them snowy, so imagine how mad they would be knowing soemone was defacing their bathroom AND pissing on their shoes. I bet they would have a few choice words to say about that. And then I realized I had been standing there reading and analyzing and taking pictures of the toilet for too long and everyone was going to think I was pooping, so now what? Do I go out and be all : "I totally was just peeing in there and not pooping and who are you to judge how long I stay in the bathroom and why are you even paying attention to that in the first place? Are you some kind of deviant"? And then they would rush at me, swinging chairs and samurai swords and I would leap off the ball return and swing on the chandelier and then Kate Capshaw would sing "Anything Goes." in Chinese and then Short Round would pull the car around and we would dive out the window behind a gong. And the whole time I'm reliving Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I'm still standing in the bathroom, so now they are definitely going to think I was pooping. If only I had a period couch, I could just say I was napping.
*I know, right? A foyer? It was pretty much like walking into Buckingham Palace every day if you went to Buckingham Palace for the sole purpose of taking a crap, which is pretty disrespectful if you ask me.
** I decided on that fateful day that of all the things there were in the world for a person to be, a piss mopper was not one for me. And then I had kids and pets, and everyday has a chance of piss-mopping so my whole life is like an O. Henry story.