Monday, March 2, 2009

Magic Words and Phrases*


So I'm in the grocery store and I'm looking at all my options as far as soap goes and I'm remembering that old Irish Springs© commercial where the guy pretending to be Irish carves the bar with his knife and is all "See? It's green on the inside too, so it's totally feckin' Irish! Now Piss off!**" and I'm getting that confused with the Shamrock Shakes© commercial where they're all "Shamrock Shakes© they're a beautiful green! The most beautiful green that you've ever seen!!" when, for no reason at all the little known expression 'Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!" comes to mind. 

Now I should probably mention that the reason this is "little known" is because I'm pretty sure I just made it up as I was looking at the soap, and I don't know what that says about me other than washing makes me think of monkey sex but that's probably not it, and if there was a therapist in this rotten town that was still willing to see me I could find out, but I've fucked that monkey right out of the tree*** what with all the screaming and assault charges and all.

So then I got to thinking of what social situation I might be in where I could try out my new expression and the only thing I could think of was church because I drink alone, and that's really the only time I get out of the house, other than when I need more soap or whiskey. But the trouble is the only time you actually say anything to anyone else in church is duriing the "Peace be with you" bit where you have to shake hands with whatever gross hobo is sitting next to you and I don't know how it would go for the gross hobo to say 'Peace be with you." and then I say 'Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!". Also, sometimes I sit next to someone fancy and then I'm totally the gross hobo and in that case "Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!" kinda works as a reponse to "Peace be with you." And then I remembered I haven't been to church in 3 years. Because I'm not a lapsed Catholic, I'm a never-even-been-Catholic Catholic.

So I'm standing there in the soap aisle thinking all this stuff, when a helpful young man in a smock approaches me and asks if he can help me, because apparently any time they see a man, standing in a fugue state in front of the soap, and mumbling about fucking monkeys they go in gentle before calling the cops, lucky for me. And I almost tried out my new saying RIGHT THERE, but I realized that it didn't work in that circumstance. So I just say "No. I'm just buying some soap,thanks." and he eyes me like he doesn't believe me, but screw him and his politeness, because I totally did, and  when I got to the register I realized I didn't have my recyclable grocery bag that totally tells everyone else in the store that I'm better than them because I think about the Earth while they're all "La-dee-da. Give me an extra plastic bag so I can tie it around a puppy" or whatever . So I tried out my new expression and now I can't go back into the grocery store without a disguise.



*This title comes from the Bugs Bunny cartoon ****where he is in Dracula's castle and keeps saying funny mashups of magical words, and the vampire keeps getting hit in the head with rocks and baseball bats and is pretty much the funniest bit of entertainment ever because hitting people is always funny unless they whine to the cops because when you hit them with that shovel it didn't go "Wong!!" it just gave them a concussion.

**In my mind Irish people always say "feckin' " and "piss off" but that's because I've been exposed to horrible stereotypes and it's totally not my fault. Also, I think these things are a plus personality-wise.

*** I'm trying my new expression out in different contexts to see what works best. I'm not saying I'm a "cunning linguist", but I am and that's funny because YOU KNOW WHY!

**** I could be all cool and be like "I didn't know that this cartoon was actually called 'Transylvania 6-5000' and was made in 1963 and was directed by Chuck Jones." but I'm all about the truth here at the Monster Apathy. Your Mom told me.


ps: I was pretty much raised by a TV set apparently, because my knowledge of commercials and cartoons from the late 70s-early 80s is borderline Rain Man.  Some people call that being an idiot savant, so they're the ones I want to hit with a shovel.

21 comments:

Anna Russell said...

How hard do you have to fuck a monkey to fuck it right out of a tree? Or do they just not have very good balance so you don't have to fuck them that hard at all?

Where is Trodo? I bet she knows the answer.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I KNOW she does. She knows the answers to all of life's riddles. Like "Where are my pants?" and "Did I order a midget?"

Maelstrom said...

I hope she's around tomorrow then. I just thought up a hell of a question. But I can't post it today because I just posted last night and I really have to ration out my thoughts or I'll use them all up. Plus I suddenly have the urge to IM one of my friends and call him a "Monkey Fucker" just to see how he'll respond.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: Just remember: With great power comes great responsibility. Also, great opportunities for extortion and coercion.

TrodoMcCracken said...

As it does happen I do know the answer to this question.

How hard do you have to fuck a monkey to get it out of a tree? Pretty Damn Hard. Or lightly if it's a small baby monkey.

Char said...

I thought translyvania 6-5000 was that horrible movie with Gena Davis. And...you used one of my new favorite phrases "you know why" - have you been watching Ashton lately?

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I think I might be in love with you.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: Thank you for your wisdom. I'll mail you a banana directly.

@Char: And Ed Begley,Jr. who just uttered my favorite line from Pineapple Express: "I'm gonna take you outside and fuck you in THE STREET!"

@Sarah: I understand. A man of my charm comes along only once or twice in a lifetime. If you live in a cave. In Nepal. And are blind.

Nikki said...

I always say, "Well fuck that monkeys uncle." It works best when someone tells you something surprising. Good luck with your new phrase. Be sure to let us know the reaction when you finally use it properly.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: Well monkeys and fucking DO go together well...so that make's sense. I'll report back.

Frank said...

I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one that is careful where they sit so they don’t have to say "peace be with you" to the homeless guy, or the bag lady holding a doll. Pretending that you’re blind works too. I know… I was going there anyway.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Or faking a seizure. That works too.

Vic said...

I never did get why it was important that the soap was green on the inside. Was there a lot of fraudulent soap in those days? like the soapy goodness was only on the surface and the rest was wood or something? But it was all good because everyone liked it so much "And I like it too!" (She never had to cut the soap though, because women know these things instinctively, like whether it's cheater soap or not.)

Also,I can't think about monkeys right now, Kurt. I've got big cow issues.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Maybe women are just naturally more trusting of soap. Have you resolved the origin of your hoof-bottle yet. Everyone should go check out Vic's "thing of beauty".

Brandy Rose said...

So of course I had to go watch Transylvania 6-5000, then I saw Bewitched Bunny and had to watch it, then Hyde and Hare, then...I've been watching cartoons all morning and its all your fault!

Kurt said...

@Brandy: You're welcome! Unt my name ist Hannnsel!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I remember that commercial SO well, except in my head the song goes, "Irish Spring, it's magically delicious!" but I think that's because as a kid I was so intrigued by the beautiful greenness of the inside of the soap that I wanted to lick it. I blame it on a nutritional deficiency related to a lack of artificial dyes in my food. Thanks alot, crummy parents.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Fucking a monkey out of a tree is a difficult operation. No chance of doing it unless the monkey's asleep. You've got to sneak up behind it and give it the shaft while it's still dreaming. When it's done screeching, it jumps onto another tree.

TishTash said...

"I was pretty much raised by a TV set apparently, because my knowledge of commercials and cartoons from the late 70s-early 80s is borderline Rain Man. Some people call that being an idiot savant, so they're the ones I want to hit with a shovel."

I call that being old.

TishTash said...

Also, I always use the phrase "sucks the monkey balls" which just goes to show that various of acts of sexual intercourse and monkeys together in a sentence equals catchphrase gold.

It's too bad that the guy who invented AIDS took it too literally.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I bet it IS magically delicious because the commercials all but insinuate washing with it in a bush gives you a puppy.

@Gorilla Bananas: It's good to have an expert on hand. Thank you.

@Tish Tash: It's funny because your life hasn't had a chance to reach the point where it inevitably falls apart...yet. Ha.ha.ha. I get jokes.