So I'm in the grocery store and I'm looking at all my options as far as soap goes and I'm remembering that old Irish Springs© commercial where the guy pretending to be Irish carves the bar with his knife and is all "See? It's green on the inside too, so it's totally feckin' Irish! Now Piss off!**" and I'm getting that confused with the Shamrock Shakes© commercial where they're all "Shamrock Shakes© they're a beautiful green! The most beautiful green that you've ever seen!!" when, for no reason at all the little known expression 'Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!" comes to mind.
Now I should probably mention that the reason this is "little known" is because I'm pretty sure I just made it up as I was looking at the soap, and I don't know what that says about me other than washing makes me think of monkey sex but that's probably not it, and if there was a therapist in this rotten town that was still willing to see me I could find out, but I've fucked that monkey right out of the tree*** what with all the screaming and assault charges and all.
So then I got to thinking of what social situation I might be in where I could try out my new expression and the only thing I could think of was church because I drink alone, and that's really the only time I get out of the house, other than when I need more soap or whiskey. But the trouble is the only time you actually say anything to anyone else in church is duriing the "Peace be with you" bit where you have to shake hands with whatever gross hobo is sitting next to you and I don't know how it would go for the gross hobo to say 'Peace be with you." and then I say 'Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!". Also, sometimes I sit next to someone fancy and then I'm totally the gross hobo and in that case "Well that fucks the monkey right out of the tree!" kinda works as a reponse to "Peace be with you." And then I remembered I haven't been to church in 3 years. Because I'm not a lapsed Catholic, I'm a never-even-been-Catholic Catholic.
So I'm standing there in the soap aisle thinking all this stuff, when a helpful young man in a smock approaches me and asks if he can help me, because apparently any time they see a man, standing in a fugue state in front of the soap, and mumbling about fucking monkeys they go in gentle before calling the cops, lucky for me. And I almost tried out my new saying RIGHT THERE, but I realized that it didn't work in that circumstance. So I just say "No. I'm just buying some soap,thanks." and he eyes me like he doesn't believe me, but screw him and his politeness, because I totally did, and when I got to the register I realized I didn't have my recyclable grocery bag that totally tells everyone else in the store that I'm better than them because I think about the Earth while they're all "La-dee-da. Give me an extra plastic bag so I can tie it around a puppy" or whatever . So I tried out my new expression and now I can't go back into the grocery store without a disguise.
*This title comes from the Bugs Bunny cartoon ****where he is in Dracula's castle and keeps saying funny mashups of magical words, and the vampire keeps getting hit in the head with rocks and baseball bats and is pretty much the funniest bit of entertainment ever because hitting people is always funny unless they whine to the cops because when you hit them with that shovel it didn't go "Wong!!" it just gave them a concussion.
**In my mind Irish people always say "feckin' " and "piss off" but that's because I've been exposed to horrible stereotypes and it's totally not my fault. Also, I think these things are a plus personality-wise.
*** I'm trying my new expression out in different contexts to see what works best. I'm not saying I'm a "cunning linguist", but I am and that's funny because YOU KNOW WHY!
**** I could be all cool and be like "I didn't know that this cartoon was actually called 'Transylvania 6-5000' and was made in 1963 and was directed by Chuck Jones." but I'm all about the truth here at the Monster Apathy. Your Mom told me.
ps: I was pretty much raised by a TV set apparently, because my knowledge of commercials and cartoons from the late 70s-early 80s is borderline Rain Man. Some people call that being an idiot savant, so they're the ones I want to hit with a shovel.