Here's why. Unlike most shitty showers that deliver inconsistent temperatures or uneven pressures as various awful people who hate you turn on and off their dishwashers and sinks and garden hoses because they're all "Fuck that guy that showers at noon." because they are jealous of how I live like a rock star and my coke-fueled super-parties* are probably keeping them up too late and that's why they are cranky and attacking me like that. But unlike a regular shower mine changes hot and cold and pressure settings like someone inside the wall is spinning a twister spinner and instead of colors the options are "scald", "freeze", "dribble" and "random". And that person is a hyperactive asshole and has a vendetta against me and probably used to kill all the neighborhood cats and used to save his urine in bottles in his closet and is a sociopath. Also this fucker is invisible and probably pretend. I hate him.
So in case you hadn't guessed this is my nemesis list for the week.
1) Showering - Dear shower, You are an asshole. Hugs, Kurt
2) Quick keys - I was trying to program quick keys that will say things like "That's what she said" and "your mom" so I never get beaten to the punch in IM anymore. But it turns out you have to know stuff to do that and I know I could look it up, so just zip it, but I am really above all that tedious "work" so instead I'll just eat this cookie and then I get cookie crumbles on my lap, and OH BOY IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!!! HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. Fuck my utter lack of knowledge.
3) Vanilla Ice - I got in a fist fight today with another unemployed guy over a bag of cashews and the whole thing started because he asked my for help reaching them and I said "If you got a problem, Yo! I'll solve it!" and then I grabbed my junk and started dry humping his head and then he got all uptight and shovey and I had to give him what for. So what if he was in a wheelchair. He was like the Road Warrior with that thing. He had amazing cornering capability. Stop looking at me like that.
4) Pringles© Brand Potato Crisps - I've been trying to get an endorsement deal with these bastards for weeks now, and it turns out they think I care about a stupid "cease and desist" order. Like I don't have a huge pile of them already. Screw you Potato can dicks. Everyone is all "Wow. Chips in a can!" but not me, I'm too worldly to be impressed by that shit. That would be like Christopher Columbus sailing to the New World only instead of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, he's riding 3 water dragons and they are fighting vikings and typhoons and ancient water demons and then when he gets to the new world he's all "Wow. I've never seen sand that was quite this sandy before. This is very impressive." Only in Italian. And drenched in dragon sweat.
5) Sobriety - This enemy is elusive but I'm worried it's around here somewhere lurking in the shadows and I only have the glow of Jack Daniels to keep the horror at bay.
*coke-fueled super-parties in this case means me and my kids stuffed animals drinking Diet Coke© and putting on puppet shows that seem to degenerate into plush orgies at an alarmingly regular interval.