Monday, March 30, 2009

The List: Week Whatever

I'm in the shower and yeah I do that even though I'm unemployed, because who knows when I will have a sexy surprise like a whore-a-gram or something, and I don't know if that is an actual thing, but if it is, they really need to come up with a better name than that, because maybe those ladies are hookers with a heart of gold like in Pretty Women. Because in real life I bet at least some of the hookers have hearts of gold, but none of them are showering with me (yet!) so I should get back to the story. And the story is this. Fuck my shower.

Here's why. Unlike most shitty showers that deliver inconsistent temperatures or uneven pressures as various awful people who hate you turn on and off their dishwashers and sinks and garden hoses because they're all "Fuck that guy that showers at noon." because they are jealous of how I live like a rock star and my coke-fueled super-parties* are probably keeping them up too late and that's why they are cranky and attacking me like that. But unlike a regular shower mine changes hot and cold and pressure settings like someone inside the wall is spinning a twister spinner and instead of colors the options are "scald", "freeze", "dribble" and "random". And that person is a hyperactive asshole and has a vendetta against me and probably used to kill all the neighborhood cats and used to save his urine in bottles in his closet and is a sociopath. Also this fucker is invisible and probably pretend. I hate him.

So in case you hadn't guessed this is my nemesis list for the week.

1) Showering - Dear shower, You are an asshole. Hugs, Kurt

2) Quick keys - I was trying to program quick keys that will say things like "That's what she said" and "your mom" so I never get beaten to the punch in IM anymore. But it turns out you have to know stuff to do that and I know I could look it up, so just zip it, but I am really above all that tedious "work" so instead I'll just eat this cookie and then I get cookie crumbles on my lap, and OH BOY IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!!! HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. Fuck my utter lack of knowledge.

3) Vanilla Ice - I got in a fist fight today with another unemployed guy over a bag of cashews and the whole thing started because he asked my for help reaching them and I said "If you got a problem, Yo! I'll solve it!" and then I grabbed my junk and started dry humping his head and then he got all uptight and shovey and I had to give him what for. So what if he was in a wheelchair. He was like the Road Warrior with that thing. He had amazing cornering capability. Stop looking at me like that.

4) Pringles© Brand Potato Crisps - I've been trying to get an endorsement deal with these bastards for weeks now, and it turns out they think I care about a stupid "cease and desist" order. Like I don't have a huge pile of them already. Screw you Potato can dicks. Everyone is all "Wow. Chips in a can!" but not me, I'm too worldly to be impressed by that shit. That would be like Christopher Columbus sailing to the New World only instead of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, he's riding 3 water dragons and they are fighting vikings and typhoons and ancient water demons and then when he gets to the new world he's all "Wow. I've never seen sand that was quite this sandy before. This is very impressive." Only in Italian. And drenched in dragon sweat.

5) Sobriety - This enemy is elusive but I'm worried it's around here somewhere lurking in the shadows and I only have the glow of Jack Daniels to keep the horror at bay.


*coke-fueled super-parties  in this case means me and my kids stuffed animals drinking Diet Coke© and putting on puppet shows that seem to degenerate into plush orgies at an alarmingly regular interval.


16 comments:

Maelstrom said...

Did that wheelchair guy slice like a ninja? Cut like a razorblade?

Moonkee said...

I think I wish I'd taken those Pringles with me now.

Michelle said...

Just so you know, I am the twister spinner inside of your shower wall!! Yep, its me. I am not invisible nor a hyperactive asshole and i do not have a vendetta against you. It's just what I do!!

It's fun too. You should see you!! HAHA!!!

Vic said...

I so want to learn that quick keys thing. But it takes too long of an attention span for me to learn.

I like that your coke-fueled superparties are really tea parties. With bears. My mother would love you!

(But I'm mad at you right now for being a leprechaun and ignoring me. It was a dream, but still, it stung a little.)

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: To the extreme he rocked the mike like a vandal.

@Moonkee: They are taunting me.

@Michelle:I suspected it was you all along.

@Vic: I am SOOO sorry about being a leprechaun and ignoring you. It was me pot o' gold. It makes me crazy.

Lori said...

I have this shower also. It's why I have only had sponge baths in 3 years. But for the last year, I have a hot nurse that comes over to help me. She's HAWT and I can see through her unifor.......wait a sec, that's another story. Sorry.

Miss Yvonne said...

I've always wanted to learn how to give someone the what for. How do you do that exactly?

Char said...

wait, we're supposed to shower even if we're unemployed?

Amber Dawn said...

Pringles are scarey. Stacks of little chips perfectly shaped and sized with the salt on the work friggin side. The shit aint right.

Amber Dawn said...

.....that should say WRONG friggin side. See what they do to me? Dammit the little bastards.

sour said...

yeah, amber dawn is right. pringles are scary. once i found pringles with trivia printed on them when i was at my parents' house. it was way too creepy. i could hardly eat the entire can.

Captain Dumbass said...

You try those new "Grey Poupon" Pringles? Garlic and parmesan? It's crack. Crispy delicious crack.

The Jules said...

Shit showers (not literally) get you out and about more efficiently, cos you dont want to stay in them any longer than necessary.

Good showers are time wasters , because you never want to get out of them until you're physically too tired to stand, and then you have to go and have a bath to relax.

Mona Lott said...

*shakes fist at sobriety*

Haaaaaaha! You're a plushy.

Dana's Brain said...

It's 8:30 in the morning and now all I can think about is Pringles.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I would think you'd be trying to get an endorsement from Lays® -- you can't eat just one! I nearly spit out my oatmeal at your diatribe against Pringles.