Monday, March 23, 2009

The List: Week Three

So I'm way behind with my list of nemeses this week because hey maybe I just feel like getting along with everyone and don't want to upset the applecart, and I don't even know how the fuck you upset an applecart because we went to an orchard to get our Halloween Pumpkins last year and there was an applecart there and I started screaming all kinds of profanities at it, but that thing didn't even flinch or cry or anything. They are really hard to upset I guess, unlike me who was very upset when a couple of burly farmhands threw me out of there. That's okay though their pumpkins were undersized! Jerks.

Of course I don't actually feel like getting along with everyone. So here's my list for the week:

1) Giant Octopi- My on-going pretend battle with the Giant Octopus took a terrible turn this week as it was decided that the giant octopus was much faster than the Mega-shark because, and I'm quoting an 8 year old here "Gertrude Ederle only had TWO arms and she swam super-fast and I have eight, so I can swim the English Channel in like 3 minutes." and I was all "Who is Gertrude Ederle?" And then he punched me in the throat. Fucking sneaky giant octopus. Also he did a song and dance number with a cane. Diaboliqué.

2)Aliens Vs. Monsters - This movie is coming out and apparently Bank of America is using $25 million of its bailout dollars to pay for coupons to upgrade their card holders from 2D to 3D viewings. Now I'm no scientist but I think we all know the "D" stands for "dinosaurs" and BOA using federal bailout money to buy people extra dinosaurs is just wrong. Also, I'm not an economist either, but look at this profile. It's like I'm a greek statue.

I made this myself as evidence to how kick-ass 3D is. Your Witness.

3) Hobo Rights Violations - I don't know how I became the spokesman for hoboes, surely there is another unwashed, unshaven, unemployed person in a bathrobe who coould stick up for them. Maybe it's because I married one. Either way, I am now responsible for securing equal rights for transients. and I'm not sure what rights they want, like maybe the right to hop a freight train, or the Right to Bear a Bundle on a'll have to bear with me, I skipped through the Hobo Rights class at Genius Detective School because the professor thought I was so ravishing, but I think  maybe the best way would be to institute a BJ-for-Thunderbird exchange program. I know. It's hard to believe anyone is this smart. I'm pretty much the Unicef of Transient Fellacio.

4) My children - They were sick all last week and were totally contaminating me and needing attention and one of them threw up backwards, meaning they sat on the toilet seat and puked on their feet and they were all moangy and whiney and frankly who has time to listen to every little complaint about bleeding out of the eyes or whatever. Jesus, if I wanted this much responsibility I would have just gotten a cat.

5)Burmese Pythons - The South is pretty much infested with them all the sudden and even as we speak they are spreading out across the country and planning on eating our economy and I haven't read the latest scientific data but I'm pretty sure they are bulletproof and can hypnotize people because I saw a documentary on it. Oh no wait... that was Disney's©  Robin Hood.  Look at this map. It tells it like it is. This map is that friend who always tells you exactly what you're doing wrong and how to fix it and while you admire them for their forthrightedness and gumption you pretty much can't stand them and hope they get run over by a bus full of self-righteousness. 


Michelle said...

Your kids throw up backwards!!!

Nuff said!!

Everything else on your list is silly willy stuff!!! Please carry on and eat an apple or potato!

palinode said...

Oh man, don't get me started on your children.

Kurt said...

@Michelle: I choose an apple.

@Palinode: That's what she said. No, wait...I did that wrong.

Marla said...

When the bus load full of self-righteousness passes by can you let me know...I have one person for sure and more likely a few others I would love to throw under it.

Dr Zibbs said...

Your support of Hoboes will give you a spot in heaven.

Dr Zibbs said...

Hobo heaven that is. It's located under a bridge.

Miss Yvonne said...

Holy shit, I'm knee deep in Burmese Python territory and didn't even know it.

Effing pythons.

Char said...

anything with throwup should immediately be added to the list

Mandy's Kidding said...

I keep forgetting to write my response nemesis blog for you.

Vic said...

The apple cart gets really upset if you use other farm-related expressions in its presence, such as "didn't just fall of the turnip truck", or "don't put all your eggs in one basket". Let a few of those rip, and watch out for your feet!

TishTash said...

Maybe you're supposed to insult the applecart's mother. People tend to be sensitive about moms.

Simplicity said...

Octopii bug me. They're in cahoots with the dam snakes and dinosaurs and, just between you and me, there are fuckin' dragons involved too!

We're talkin' full on reptiles/other big bastards MOB here!

You didn't hear it from me!

Mona Lott said...

Now I "MAAAAAAAAAAAAYBE" have to worry about Kip Damned PYTHONS?!?!?!?!?!

Sumbitch. I guess I DO need a gun afterall.

*begins quick spiral to insanity*

Belle said...

That applecart! Maybe it was stoned?

Chelle said...

They have 4D in Disneyland. Or maybe those were rats biting me.