Monday, March 9, 2009

The List: Week One

So I have a list of nemeses and it pretty much changes every day depending on what has happened, like the time I came out of the grocery store with my arms filled up and there was the town crazy-lady shouting obscenities at my car. She made the list that day because she was harder to shove than you would expect an 80 year-old woman with a cane would be, and one of my bags ripped and there goes your breakfast kids, too bad.  And then there was the time when my landlord came to get the rent and kept knocking even though I totally was hiding upstairs so even if he saw my car in the driveway how does he know I'm not out with friends? What is he... a fearless detective? Anyway(s), he wouldn't stop knocking and kept shouting "I know you're in there. Please. I just want to talk." which was totally a trap, and not one I'm going to fall for, so he made the list that day. And then there was the time I got drunk and as I was walking home from the bar and I tripped and fell and it was tragic but funny, like it always is when drunk people fall down, and on that day gravity and the pavement were my nemeses and they totally made the list. 

I thought about maybe posting the list every week, which would let you know who was on it and maybe what they did, and then I started to feel like Oskar Schindler only opposite and I totally would never have made those kids clean out the insides of the bullets because I love Jewish people and also because kids get all whiney after they've been on their feet for 10+ hours and they probably didn't have good soundproofing back then, so I would have just hid them in a box or something. Like Helen Keller.  No wait... she was the deaf and blind one. I don't advocate stuffing deaf and blind children into too-small boxes because you need the floor space in your factory filled with slave labor to maximize profitability. That's not the point of this blog. Oh yeah... I meant Anne Franke back there, not Helen Keller, although I saw "The Miracle Worker" and by like the fifth time I had to say  "It's water, Helen. It has a NAME!!" and stuck her hand under the faucet and then she punched me I would get aggravated and be all "That's it Deafie, you're going back in the box." Not because I am mean, but to teach her.*

Here's my List:

1) Snow Bears - Duh. Obviously. Ever since I never went to school for Maritime Tundra Mammal Law like my Dad wanted, these Arctic bastards have been taunting me. Because they look cute but want to eat me. That's a deadly combination.

2) Dan Zanes - Also, Duh. See yesterday's blog. (that blue line under the title means "link", if you are new to the internet. Also, WELCOME!!)

3) Unemployment - It may seem glamorous to not have to get out of bed or shower and it's fun to have a beard and stand at the top of your staircase in a bathrobe, with two bag of potato chips held over your head, and pretend your Moses bringing the Ten Commandments to God's People, but eventually you realize there is more to life then that. Not much, but it would be nice to be able to buy some shit again.

4) Eels - I just hate them. They freak me out because they look like they are smiling all the time and you're all "Hello there, very friendly underwater snake!" and then they bite you. Fuck you, eel!

5) Filet-O-Fish© Sandwiches - Because they are my default panic-order setting at the drive-thru and I've never figured out why, but they are really gross and whenever someone asks me what I had to eat and it's a Filet-O-Fish© I lie and tell them it's a healthy veggie wrap instead because admitting you like Filet-O-Fish© pretty much makes you a Nazi or something.

There's more, but I suddenly feel a pressing urge to stand halfway up my staircase in my bathrobe with a curtain rod and shout "You shall not pass!!" and then slam it down onto the steps and make cool magic-y sound effects with my mouth. I work pretty much ALL the time, is my point.


PS: One of the tags for this blog is "Fuck eels" but I've actually seen porn where a guy did that to his lady-friend and it has pretty much ruined my life, so that's another reason to hate eels... for making my eyes hate me. 

See? He looks like he's about to say something and like he's wearing a fancy bow on his head, like he's some kind of princess or something, but really he's about to start some shit. Nice try, Eel!!


*I pretty much apologize forever for making a "Helen Keller" joke. Except I thought calling her "deafie" was especially humorous, and it wasn't even mean because she can't hear. So I take back my apology.

39 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

Deafie is about the best nickname I've ever heard. Ha ha...heard. I'm hilarious

TrodoMcCracken said...

I'm sending you a snowbear on national SNOWBEAR day.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: I totally laughed at that joke. You ARE hilarious.

@Trodo: I would never ever in a million years open a present from Canada. It's a survival instinct more than anything.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Theres just so much good stuff in here I dont know what to comment on. Except Dan Zanes should send you some royality checks for all his music I bought yesterday on iTunes cause of you.

You are totally on my list!

Prosy said...

This post was very Mitch Hedbergy. As in it made me laugh, and also made me sad because he is dead. You killed him, didn't you.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: What a compliment! He is my favorite all-time comedian, maybe. or maybe Richard Pryor. But not Dane Cook. He's on the list. Him, I would kill.

Maelstrom said...

I definitely wouldn't trust an eel. You know what else always swims around smiling and looking friendly? Pufferfish. And they will totally bite your finger completely off.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: you make a very good point. Have you ever thought of studying Maritime Fish Law?

Prosy said...

Yeh, how did Dane Cook get famous? Did he say one funny thing by accident once, and now he gets to be in movies having sex with Kate Hudson?! How does that work?

sour said...

i bet people called hellen keller deafie all the time. and worse names. like deaf idiot. so don't feel bad, you're practically jesus compared to them.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: Tons of gay BJs is my guess. I love Kate Hudson. If she was a mighty Sequoia and i worked for an evil Canadian lumber concern, I would quit my job and chain myself to her.

@Sour: Yeah, but those people are jerks. I'm trying to teach her. Not unlike Jesus since you mentioned it.

Vic said...

I'm going to picture you all day as Moses, bringing down the potato chips and the Filet -O -Fish to the people.

Eels are worse than snakes. An eel chased me once when I was swimming in the Bahamas. (this was before the flamingos). I'm still not quite over it.

Maggie May said...

Eels are freaky. Once my son Dakota had a mini eel and I stayed up ALL NIGHT trying to keep the dying thing alive blowing air bubbles into the tank with a straw.

It died.

Frank said...

Why do we always pick to be Moses? When I was young we used to stand on hay bales and put both arms in the air and say, “and if there be one more plague upon Egypt, it shall be by your hand. And there shall be such a cry through out the land that you shall surely let my people go!!!” Try it. You get much more power from that speech. I was also Moses in a fake past life regression.

P.S. I am related to Anne Frank. (Really)

FrankandMary said...

I don't eat meat but I was pretty sure the default panic order was a Big Mac with fries. And when we had $1 double cheeseburgers at a local McDs that seems to be all some single men I knew eat for that whole week.
I'm unemployed now also and I can still buy stuff, but I like to work; I like to make things work.

I would imagine that Ms Keller would never have come so far unless she had a terrific sense of humor. Don't worry about it. ~Mary

Belle said...

You're a freak, but you are growing on me and I hate fucking eels too.
Any snakey things actually...
......
Don't even think about it... okay!
You KNOW what I mean!

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, you can call Helen Keller anything you want, it's not like she can hear you.

Eels really have no right to live on this planet.

Char said...

hey! what's this dissing of Helen Keller?? she's from Alabama by the way...just in case.

and I'm very worried that you saw porn with a woman being f'ed by an eel? low man...low.

and unemployment is on my list too.

Kurt said...

@Vic: I wouldn't be over it either. I would wear a black armband and when people were all "What's that for?" I would just look off into the distance and whisper "Eels."

@Maggie Mae: This comes as no surprise since all eels are naturally assholes. His last thought was probably "Take THAT!"

@Frank: Does this mean your name is "Frank Frank" because thats pretty much awesome. Being Moses is every American's God given right because I'm pretty sure Moses was from Idaho or something.

@Mary: I avoid McDonald's meat like the plague because I read that book, and get all grossed out.

@Belle:You're too kind. I'm glad your letting your standards slip gradually, all at once is hard to do.

@Anna Russell: They do have a place. We should fill missiles with them and shoot them at countries whose oil we want to steal. They'd be all "Oh no missiles!" and then they'd open and they'd be all "Fuck! Eels!" only in Arabic or whatever.

Kurt said...

@Char: No No. not BY an eel. WITH an eel. Big difference. And I want that piece of my brain back too. I didn't mean to tarnish Alabama's pristine image. My apologies. :)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Helen Keller probably needs to be taken a notch or two down anyway, seeing as how she's NEVER ONCE heard anything negative about herself. What an ego on that girl. I'd like to put her hand on my mouth and say, "Deafie, Deafie, Deh-Fie!" Anne Sullivan style, over and over until her feelings got hurt. Then I would say, "See? communication's not all fun and games, is it?"

*sign of the cross* *sign of the cross**sign of the cross*

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: You're pretty much a saint for all the patience and understanding you would put into teaching her about THE REAL WORLD. You would teach her braille just to tell her that everyone is laughing at her. I just cried a little for how uplifting that story was.

Kurt said...

@SMU,Kid: You're like the Mother Theresa of Pedophilia.

Frank said...

@Kurt: I think you just proved you were right yesterday, when you said my blogging buddies weren’t Raptured. Oh well, I would rather be down here with you and SMU kid. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off!!!

Kurt said...

@Frank: God, that joke is so old you'd think I wouldn't laugh out loud at it but rather just roll my eyes and smile. You would be wrong.

Frank said...

@Kurt: It was actually a test. If you laughed out loud, you have either been awake for more than 23 hours, or you have reached the perfect combination of barbiturates and alcohol. You decide.

Maelstrom said...

@Maggie - Your son, blowing bubbles of CO2 into the tank, only hastened that eels demise. There may be some organization that gives awards for that.

Maelstrom said...

Plus it's kind of fucked up that Frank get's his own blogger account (Frank) but then Mary still has to share hers with him too (FrankandMary).

Mandy's Kidding said...

The eel freaks me out. Disney did a particularly good job with them in The Little Mermaid.

*Shudders*

Kurt said...

@Frank: I'll take barbituates and alcohol for 100.

@Maelstrom: Heh. She should win the "I slowly poisoned an eel to death" award.

@Mandy: I hate those eels but I bet that's EXACTLY what their personalities are like.

That Baldy Fella said...

Eels can definitely fuck right off as they're basically swimmy snakes and that's the only way to make the already-loathsome-enough snake even worse.

Plus I now wish I had stairs so that I could stand at the top of them forbidding things to pass. Not that I've got a house with no stairs, you understand. I live in a ground floor flat. Although if I did live in a house with no stairs, it would have a Batpole instead.

Kurt said...

@Baldy: I had to go in and correct it to say "You shall not pass" instead of "None shall pass" from Monty Python's The Holy Grail because the Black Knight might have had a cool beard but it was ass-paper next to Gandalf's.

Note: Anyone who was able to follow that comment deserves an award in "dork". I keep mine next to the bed in case of robbers.

TishTash said...

Dude! You have a Balrog in your house? All I have are spiders.

TishTash said...

I would like that dork award as I just read your last comment and it made perfect sense to me. And I would like the award in the shape of a swallow carrying a coconut.

That Baldy Fella said...

Tish Tash, is that an African or European swallow? Kurt, award me up!

Mr Farty said...

I'm saving up my best comment for when I think of something witty and clever to say.

I may be some time.

Kurt said...

@TishTash: Your statue is coming as soon as I sober up enough to make it. (next month)

@Baldy: You stole my line, double dork points for you.

@Mr. Farty: Your name alone is a great comment and thought provoking.

Anonymous said...

That eel looks a lot like a penguin...

BB

Star Kicker said...

I once knew a friendly spitting eel. At least that's what my high school boyfriend called it.