I thought about maybe posting the list every week, which would let you know who was on it and maybe what they did, and then I started to feel like Oskar Schindler only opposite and I totally would never have made those kids clean out the insides of the bullets because I love Jewish people and also because kids get all whiney after they've been on their feet for 10+ hours and they probably didn't have good soundproofing back then, so I would have just hid them in a box or something. Like Helen Keller. No wait... she was the deaf and blind one. I don't advocate stuffing deaf and blind children into too-small boxes because you need the floor space in your factory filled with slave labor to maximize profitability. That's not the point of this blog. Oh yeah... I meant Anne Franke back there, not Helen Keller, although I saw "The Miracle Worker" and by like the fifth time I had to say "It's water, Helen. It has a NAME!!" and stuck her hand under the faucet and then she punched me I would get aggravated and be all "That's it Deafie, you're going back in the box." Not because I am mean, but to teach her.*
Here's my List:
1) Snow Bears - Duh. Obviously. Ever since I never went to school for Maritime Tundra Mammal Law like my Dad wanted, these Arctic bastards have been taunting me. Because they look cute but want to eat me. That's a deadly combination.
2) Dan Zanes - Also, Duh. See yesterday's blog. (that blue line under the title means "link", if you are new to the internet. Also, WELCOME!!)
3) Unemployment - It may seem glamorous to not have to get out of bed or shower and it's fun to have a beard and stand at the top of your staircase in a bathrobe, with two bag of potato chips held over your head, and pretend your Moses bringing the Ten Commandments to God's People, but eventually you realize there is more to life then that. Not much, but it would be nice to be able to buy some shit again.
4) Eels - I just hate them. They freak me out because they look like they are smiling all the time and you're all "Hello there, very friendly underwater snake!" and then they bite you. Fuck you, eel!
5) Filet-O-Fish© Sandwiches - Because they are my default panic-order setting at the drive-thru and I've never figured out why, but they are really gross and whenever someone asks me what I had to eat and it's a Filet-O-Fish© I lie and tell them it's a healthy veggie wrap instead because admitting you like Filet-O-Fish© pretty much makes you a Nazi or something.
There's more, but I suddenly feel a pressing urge to stand halfway up my staircase in my bathrobe with a curtain rod and shout "You shall not pass!!" and then slam it down onto the steps and make cool magic-y sound effects with my mouth. I work pretty much ALL the time, is my point.
PS: One of the tags for this blog is "Fuck eels" but I've actually seen porn where a guy did that to his lady-friend and it has pretty much ruined my life, so that's another reason to hate eels... for making my eyes hate me.
See? He looks like he's about to say something and like he's wearing a fancy bow on his head, like he's some kind of princess or something, but really he's about to start some shit. Nice try, Eel!!
*I pretty much apologize forever for making a "Helen Keller" joke. Except I thought calling her "deafie" was especially humorous, and it wasn't even mean because she can't hear. So I take back my apology.