Thursday, March 5, 2009

It's Not My Fault (or I Didn't Plan for It To Go This Way)

I was going to write a blog about my Grandma and how she never learned how to say "anus" like "Ay-ness" but rather learned to say it "ah-noose" and then we could all laugh at the old people and how they were quaint and scary because they pretty much constantly remind us of how little and sad our lives end up being, but of course the horror of that existence of too-short pants and obsessing over how much lettuce costs would be balanced out by the whole hilarity of the "ah-noose" thing, so it would be fine and there wouldn't be a moral to the story other than "I hate old people" which technically isn't true or a moral but what do you want, I'm doing this for free unless my Pringles© endorsement deal comes through. Anyway(s), I'm not going to write about that. 

I thought I'd write about....

And then this is the part where I think of one of my little "three-word phrases©" like "fucking a monkey" or "Flamingo rape-colony" and it turns into a whole blog, only this time I don't have one and the cat anti-depressants are starting to wear off and THE SADDEST DOG IN THE WORLD is howling and I keep falling asleep watching 'The Big Lebowski" but BEFORE the part with the topless girl in the parachute, so that's a wash, and I really have no three-word phrase© at my disposal , so I look down at my list of blog ideas and right there at the bottom staring at me it says "Nana's Anus" and I am SOOOO tempted, but I can't because I believe that old people are living treasures, unless they are the kind who go all dementy in their old age and fling their poo at the orderlies and call everyone "Wendall" and who tell you it's okay to feel up their invalid roommate because they are in a coma, but really they're just sleeping, and they freak out when you touch them, and the jokes on you, but what the hell do you know, you're only 12, and so you start crying and your mom hears and she yells at you for upsetting the old people. 

That kind of old person isn't a living treasure. The word for that kind is "grandpa" in my case.*


Moral of the story: I need more expired cat anti-depressants and I hate old people.**


* I made this whole scenario up and if you don't believe that then screw you, because my juvie record is sealed, so who's laughing now?

**I don't hate them really, I just think we should ship them all to their own island and they could fend for themselves like "Lord of the Flies" only we could televise it and bet on who would last the longest and I don't necessarily NEED the Nobel Peace Prize in terms of the actual medal ,but the monetary award? I wouldn't say "no".

15 comments:

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Someone needs a hug.

Kurt said...

That someone is NOT my grandpa's roommate.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You're so lucky. My grandma NEVER talked to me about anus.

I can only dream about the context of those conversations.

Anna Russell said...

Feeling up coma patients is way more ok than murdering hookers. Not as much fun though. Or so I've heard. I wouldn't know because I have an alibi.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: They usually went "John (my dad) why is that kid of yours such a rotten little ah-noose?" She was charming.

@Anna Russell: See, but she wasn't IN a coma, that's the rub (heh). I don't know if the law is more lenient with people who are in a coma, but apparently it's pretty clear about what your allowed to touch when their just napping.

Nikki said...

I don't believe I have ever heard the word anus out of my nonna's mouth but because of this post I will call her later and ask her to say it please for my birthday and the health of my unborn. I am almost certain she will still not say it, but it is worth a try.

Char said...

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, poor baby. My one grandmother would never allow this word within three miles ... my father's mother would go on and call you asshole.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: Knowing me is pretty much the gift of knowledge personified.

@Char: My Grandma only used it in it's medical context. Never as a vulgarity. That was Grandpa's job.

Vic said...

"Ah-noose" is much classier. It's how the queen says it in her speeches.

Old People Lord of the Flies would be excellent- like "Surviver", only we would allow them all the ointment they could carry.
I would so watch that.

Kurt said...

@Vic: I knew I had heard it somewhere pronounced like that before. It must have been at one of my fancy dinner parties where we were talking about places to put the silverware.

Miss Yvonne said...

This post makes me think about the nursing home my Grandpa is in...so depressing and not fun and I really hope I never have to be in one.

Shit, now I need a cat anti-depressant.

Amber Dawn said...

Aaaaah old people. When I was a child, my church group brought puppies to the nursing home to cheer them up. They left me in a hallway by myself next to an old lady in a wheel chair grunting at me to see the puppy. I showed her the puppy and she promptly started eating its ears. I am forever traumatised by old people and the church groups that brought me there! I hate visiting my husbands Mema who calls me Elmer knowing good and damn well my name is Amber. The hateful old codger. She does that shit on purpose I just know it!She also chews snuff and frequently uses the word SOMBITCH.
Oy I need a drink.

Frank said...

I spent the summer of '08 sitting in a nursing home almost every weekend. I learned that the drug drawer is locked, and the man from the mortuary walks fast and pretends that no one can see him.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: Here have one of mine. They work best when you wash them down with Crystal Meth.

@Amber Dawn: I aspire to be that old person who scares people and makes them feel uncomfortable and screams "SOMBITCH" randomly. Some dreams will never die...

@Frank: I walk around like that all the time, and trust me mortuary guy, they TOTALLY can see you. Even if you're naked you probably aren't the Invisible Man. Stupid Bank Tellers.

Brandy Rose said...

My mother's (soon to loose his head in a very gruesome and messy way) cat just sprayed my computer chair with me sitting in it! and made me totally forget the very witty and entertaining comment I was about to leave. I apologize. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cat to beat over the head with a toy shovel.