Monday, March 9, 2009

Interviewing Tips for the Non-Pants Wearer

I had a job interview today and luckily it was over the phone because I like it when I can make wanking motions when I'm talking about how great I am, and that doesn't always go over so well face-to-face, because I think they are afraid I am actually going to masturbate on them or something and that would not be appropriate for most of the positions I am applying for and then I think "How dare you judge me! I am not the one who invited a stranger to my office without knowing whether or not they will jerk off at me, so you are totally discrepinating against me!" and then I demand to see my lawyer, and they look confused and scared and how was I to know they were such fuddy-duddies? For the record, I have never wanked on someone who didn't want me to, except that one time, but I beat that rap because they forgot to read me my Miranda Rights because they were so focused on getting me out of the drive-thru window. And when I left the court I shouted "Wolverines!!!" and "Diplomatic Immunity!!" and then someone tazed me.*

Also on job interviews you usually have to get dressed up all fancy or at least with pants and that is not condusive to the way I work best. I'm more of a casual pant wearer ,like I casually walk past my dresser and wonder if I should put on pants and then I look at how far down the drawer is and think about how I would probably have to bend over unless my arms grew super-long overnight, and then I check my arms and they are still the regular length and then I try and remember if I have to do anything today and then I watch the weather channel to see what the fuck is up, and then I change the channel and an Ace of Cakes rerun is on, so I watch that for a while and then it's noon and why bother. That's not what they want to hear at interviews. Trust me. They want a commited pant wearer. Fascists.

Also, also they want your resume to be updated and not exciting, so when they ask "Did you really invent helium and fly to the moon to chase after the nefarious Dr. RottenTwat?" you have to be able to look them dead in the eyes and say 'Fuck you, man. I lost so many buddies from Vietnam on that mission that even talking about it should earn me another 10 Purple Hearts.' and then they would apologize and when you ask for a bajillion dollars an hour they'll be all "Of Course, Commander Dr. Professor!" and then you realize your daydreaming and the security guard has a really firm gripand you wonder if he works out or if this place hires superheroes and then you think about re-tailoring your resume to make it look like you have superpowers and then you realize you should have worn pants after all because now you're going to skin your knees on the pavement when they toss you out.

Fascists.



* I made that story up. No one tazed me, thanks to my adamantium skin. Also, I made that up too.

18 comments:

Mandy's Kidding said...

I think you need to cut down on the caffeine.

Anna Russell said...

You said wanking and twat in one post. I love you.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: Pfft. A pot and a half and I can barely even tell other than the tremors and the fact I keep peeing my pants.

@Anna: Profanity is my poetry. Without the nice bits that make you all misty eyed.

Vic said...

First: Wolverines!!
Also: I am relieved you were on the phone, so no risk of skinned knees and having to file a Discrepination Suit in a court of law.

Are you even sure you still HAVE pants?

Kurt said...

@Vic: Well something is piling up in the corner and not getting washed. I assumed it was pants.

Frank said...

You made me spit water all over my keyboard AGAIN. Is there any occasion where you haven’t screamed, “Diplomatic immunity!!!” My IT department has said they will not bring me new keyboards anymore if I keep spitting water in them. I guess I have to start staying late and swapping with someone.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Piling up in the corner? Those are hookers, Kurt. We've been through this. You have to put them in the compost machine when you're done with them.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The nefarious Dr. Rottentwat is my gynocologist! God, small world, honestly.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Sorry about the keyboard, but come on... like you couldn't take the IT guys in a fight...or better yet... a dance-off!!

@SMU, Kid: The "compost machine" you gave me was just a box that was labelled "Dear Garbage Dude, There are no dead hookers in this box." He's gonna see right through that disguise with no regard for your cleverness. He's pretty much the Sherlock Holmes of garbage men.

Also, Dr. RottenTwat wasn't nefarious until he posted pictures of your junk online. He totally drew a cartoon mustache on it. Sorry.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Kurt if you get a job who will dance in the garden with torn sheets in the rain?

Kurt said...

@SBA: I still will. Because all the ladies think a man dancing spryly is superhot. And I'm all about the Ladies. And by "all about the ladies" I mean "My mom says I'm a catch"

Marcy said...

Bras are my pants...if I never had to put another one on again I'd be as happy as a pile of hookers in the corner.

Wolverines!!

Prosy said...

did you say, 'don't taze me bro?'
what does discrepinating mean?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That wasn't a cartoon mustache. I like to style my pubic hair that way with gel so I can twist the ends between my fingers when I'm plotting evil.

Kurt said...

@Marcy: Bras are another one of my nemeses because they act as a boobie shield.

@Prosy: Discrepinate is a magical made-up word a friend taught me that can mean anything. Try it anywhere and stupid people will nod sagely like they know what it means. It's awesome.

@SMU, Kid: With the goatee and the googly glasses too? Dude. Get to a new doctor QUICK!

sour said...

my arms totally grew super long last night so i didn't even have to worry about getting my pants OFF THE FLOOR
jealous?

wolverines

Belle said...

You are such a fucking liar! It's all true - I just know it!

Kurt said...

@Sour: Totally jealous. I bet you look like a werewolf. That's hot.

@Belle: Diplomatic Immunity!!!