Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'm Sorry, Irony

I've been trying to get my iTunes in order this weekend and that has proved to be a most harrowing task as I haven't cleaned it up since the computer was invented and I think I have tracks in my collection that I downloaded using Napster back before the world decided stealing music wasn't cool and "Hey wouldn't it be better if instead of getting it for free, we all just paid for it? Hey...where are you going? No. Seriously." and then the RIAA stepped in and began suing World War One veterans and crippled hemophiliacs and adorable pandas, and then we HAD to start paying for music unless we wanted to set a bad example for our children, which some of us totally did, but then it became uncool to say that out loud, so we had to resort to pretending we paid for everything using iTunes and casted withering looks at those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you shall know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance* upon thee.  

Sorry. Pulp Fiction was on this weekend.

So anyway(s) I'm going through my collection and rating all my songs from one to five stars and pretty much everything is getting a four or a five because every time I find a song that is only a two or a three, I'm all " Why the Eff is THIS mediocre piece of crap in my collection?**" and then I discard it and the stupid effing "Are you sure you want to do that, because DUDE it's like going to be REALLY erased if you do?" window keeps coming up because I forget to check the little "Remember this action?" box EVERY FUCKING TIME so I am made to feel like a special needs computer user, but I still click "Okay"*** without checking the box, and then I shake my head and give the next 40 songs at least four stars so the box won't pop up.  And then I have a bunch of songs that are really only threes hanging out with all the awesome music I love because I hate the pop-up so much and really, who am I kidding? If I can't give "Ice Ice Baby"  four stars in the privacy of my own home, than what is the point of living.****

My whole collection is now all fours and fives so I have to go through and re-rate everything so my actual favorite songs are the only ones with the highest scores, but I start to feel bad because they are all pretty good and who the hell am I to give "Stairway to Heaven" only two stars and maybe "Johnny Ryall" ISN'T the best track on "Paul's Boutique" but that whole album is perfect so just shut up, Kurt and I feel guilty giving any song a low score... like they are going to get pissed off and think I hate them or something.  Also, all the music I buy on iTunes gets at least four stars because I actually paid for it, so crappy tracks from "Death Magnetic" that I bought with the gift card I got for my birthday will get artificially high scores, so I don't erase them even though I probably wouldn't buy that album with my own money. It's all effed up is my point and now I have it on random and it's playing KC and The Sunshine Band followed by Ratt followed by an audio clip of the Fart Song from Family Guy and my whole music collection pretty much is the worst thing ever, except for Nazis because those guys were dicks.

* It totally still took me two tries to spell this word right and you would think after I blogged about never getting it right on the first try I would, ironically, learn how to spell it. But I haven't. So screw you, Irony.  HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!*****

**I would probably swear though, because I'm edgy like James Dean and hard as nails like Al Swearengen on "Deadwood".  I'm also like Al Swearengen because I like calling women "whores" which really ruffles some feathers at Cub Scouts, but these kids aren't going to teach themselves.

*** Am I the only one who sighs in defeat every time I press the "Okay" button. Like, why not just make it a "yes"? Would that be so hard to program? Or if I was running Microsoft they would all say "FUCK YEAH!!" and when you pushed it, there would be the sounds of fireworks and artillery shells landing on terrorists and women having orgasms and a voice would say "You are SO handsome!!" and then I would go out and conquer the world, except I already DID because I'm running Microsoft so it totally already worked. 

****Boobies. That's what.

***** Picking fights with Irony is pretty much the dumbest idea ever.


Star Kicker said...

This is a beautifully written piece about how absolutely nuts one goes when trying to declutter something based on deciding whether or not I like it. I recently went through the same thing with my wardrobe.

It's been badly cleaning out and I was trying to do it in the systematic "piling categories" to see what went and what stayed. But there ended up being too many fucking intermediates. The frustration almost reduced me to tears. I ended up actually looking up a guide online to let myself know it was ok to let go of those jeans that I first kissed a boy in but through some unfortunate accident shrunk so they were clamdiggers.

Anonymous said...

The Joke - Steve Miller Band bahahaha!

That one IS stolen!

You are SO handsome!!

Kurt said...

@Star Kicker: You can totally let those jeans go because when I kissed that guy he told me I was special too.

@Anonymous: I think you're forgetting one thing...the bonus drawing of the sick kitten.

Char said...

ok....I'm impressed you have Jolene on the playlist - it's very kickass

Miss Yvonne said...

I see from your playlist that you are both edgy and sensitive. I had no idea anyone besides Bono from U2 could be both of those things at once.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm wondering if someone slipped some hashish into my cocoa, because I've been staring for almost 10 minutes at the "3" you wrote next to the Metallica song, thinking the "3" was a drawing of a barking monkey and wondering what a barking monkey has to do with anything and how to craft a comment that playfully yet sarcastically mocks you for such a bizarre illustration. I'm glad I realized it in time, though, because I would have been embarrassed after posting, "Psshht. Nice barking monkey, Picasso."

Kurt said...

@Char: I didn't post the stretch of songlist with "Mambo #5" on it for a reason.

@Miss Yvonne: I'm destined to be that iconic one day I think, only with a little less charity work because that shit is just depressing.

@SMU, Kid: I wish you had said that, because then I would think I was making an allegory about the music industry without even knowing it and then I could have gone to bed relishing in how I was so clever that sometimes I didn't even get me.

amy said...

Yeah, I'm pretty much with you on Boobies.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

I have no idea how to rate my songs.

I have no idea how to put them into categories. So then I have to turn the volume off when the "f" word comes up on one of my songs because I play it in the car with an FM adapter all the time.

I need iTunes lessons.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I had a dream last night about your blog. In it you changed the theme to pirates and on your picture you were on a throne and you had a picture of yourself from four years ago, one from today, and then one in the future where you kind of looked like The Little Mermaid's Dad King Titan.

I dont know what was more disturbing, me dreaming about blogs or you as the ruler of an undersea kingdom : )

Ok on to read your post!

Vic said...

At least you didn't accidentally replace your itunes collection with your (then) pre-teen daughter's, leaving you with a surprise Hannah Montana extravaganza.

Should it scare me that the "3" looks like a monkey to me too? Just not barking, more of a singing monkey. (Casting withering look at self.)

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Why the hell do you need to rate your songs? I didnt know I could even do that? I actually thought your three next to Metallica were I am glad the comment section cleared that up for me.

Is that Morningwood and Henry Rollins? You must be kick ass with a side of The Cars. Awesome!

Kurt said...

@Amy: Hey Amy! I knew you'd be with me there.

@BE Girl - You totally do. If iTunes was an elaborate escape plan from a maximum security prison, you would be the one they left behind to explain to the authorities what happened. :)

@SBA: That wasn't a dream, that was a premonition. I can't wait to rule my kingdom under the sea. Except for eels. Eels can get bent.

@Vic: At least in your version the monkey isn't rabid or crazy, but more fun like "Any which way but loose" or "Jungle Book".

@SBA: I am so kick ass, it's unbelievable.

Michelle said...

Hi i found you over at Vic's!!!

Your hilarious!!!

Nice to meet you!!!

Kurt said...

@Michelle: Hey Michelle! Nice to meet you also!