Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm Down with The Sickness and The Bodies are Totally Hitting the Floor

I had a whole day yesterday with the Hillbillies I live next door to, because first of all, they play their music superloud so that it knocks over furniture and sick children and it just so happens that yesterday I had both of those things in my house, but it's okay because the sick child was one that I made and not like some random sick kid from the hospital who would be all "mmm mmm MM MMMMMM!!" because they would have that oxygen mask on like on TV, but when you take it off they're screaming for their parents and demanding to know who you are and where you are taking them and why are you dressed like a mime!!! , because kids are cute in how they are irrationally scared of things.  

No. 

This one is mine and I know this because when she is sick she spends pretty much all day pestering me into watching rated-R comedies like "The Big Lebowski" and "Shaun of the Dead", and when she isn't doing that, she's eating all the food I own like some kind of crazed animal with a tapeworm, and asking if I could go back to the store for more fish sticks, and I'm all "Jeez Kid, shouldn't you be passing out after all that Nyquil©?" and she's all talking nonsense about not being able to see and how her chest hurts, and then she complains about the neighbor's music for like the millionth time and now it's the entire AC/DC back catalog, which is better than the rap- metal guys screaming about letting the bodies hit the floor and being down with the sickness or whatever and I'm finally digging it a little, but she keeps pounding on the wall between blackouts so it's pretty much ridiculous at my place and it's no wonder I can't keep a nanny. 

No wait. That was Mary Poppins.

So at some point the neighbors decide that they need to get their low-rider out in front of the house again, because this economy is eating their face and they've been trying to sell it since I moved in a year ago, and they probably can't figure out why it isn't selling because it does have a sweet hydraulic system and the whole back of it is pretty much one big speaker which is perfect for when you want the bodies to hit the floor, and even though it is painted primer black with spray paint and doesn't appear to actually go anywhere, it's great for sitting in and drinking 40s while you have a campfire in your rusted-out gas grill using wood you've "found" around the neighborhood, like the wooden post that was holding up Mrs. Wellington's mailbox. So it's pretty much the perfect car for the non-driver. But right now  it's stuck in the mud in the backyard, because the best thing to do when you can't move a stuck car is to gun the engine and spin the tires so that great flumes of mud and  grass spray everywhere and then swear. 

I'm pretty sure that's also the cure for cancer too, if you were wondering.

So they decide they are going to tow the low-rider out using their big truck and I don't know what happens next because it was naptime, but when I woke up they had managed to get both vehicles* stuck in the backyard swamp and now there are quite the assortment of skinny men in stained wife beaters lurking around my backyard and they were all wielding planks and boards and revving engines and spinning tires and chewing tobaccco and spitting juice everywhere and swearing at each other and I thought maybe they were having an impromptu monster truck rally and I didn't think it was possible to get those permits during the course of naptime** but what do I know, I'm not a judge. So now there are tires spinning everywhere and the bodies are seriously hitting the floor and everyone is swearing and I close my eyes and wonder if this is what a Tourettes convention would be like, and then I realized they probably don't have conventions because if you thought the Monster Truck Rally permits were hard to get imagine thousands of people wandering around looking at displays and calling each other "filthy ass fucker pussy SHIT!". The keynote address alone would be cause for a police action.

So the neighbor comes over and he's covered in mud and grass that should be part of our lawn and not hanging out of the corner of his lip and he asks me if I "got a towin' chain" and I have to inform him that I don't and he looks at me like I'm stupid because of course, every family should have a "towin' chain" for when company comes over and apparently Miss Manners hasn't taught me a goddamn thing and also how dare I wear a shirt with sleeves. And then I feel bad for not having a "towin' chain" and I think maybe I'll have to pick one up next time I'm out and then I remember that I'm not retarded and don't drive my car in the lawn. And then I think about moving again for the infinityeth time, and then I go back to watching "Shaun of the Dead" on the couch and I ask her to pass me that fish stick if she isn't going to eat it.

The End.


* I hate calling cars "vehicles" because it makes me sound like a cop and believe me they hate when you impersonate them, especially just to get some free donuts, but what the hell donuts are delicious and you can't blame me for trying. That's the judge's job.

** In Mexico, the traditional time of rest after lunch is called a "siesta". Aren't foreign words fun? I like how they tickle my lips. Oh no. Wait. That's just the depression beard. 

36 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

What I'm wondering is how did you get a permit to get a kid? The orphanage keeps denying me because for some reason they don't approve of my kidapult and the need of baby ammunition.

Maelstrom said...

That's some pretty nice metal selection your hillbillies are listening to. I guess they parted with their bluegrass roots when the moved to the big city?

Prosy said...

Shouldn't your daughter be eating chicken noodle soup you've lovingly prepared with real chickens that you keep in the backyard?
I hear fishsticks overdose is a very real problem today.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: They are so stuck up at that orphanage. Stupid spoiled orphans.

@Maelstrom: Apparently they brought all their hounds with them though.

@Prosy: She had soup yesterday, as to the backyard chickens, they are all covered in mud and tobacco spit.

Anonymous said...

And you call yourself a neighbor! Tisk tisk! ~Infinity

TMC said...

Oh dear.
It concerns me that I know both the song references in the title, have & wear stained wife beaters, & also own a towin' chain. Insult to injury: I live in Indiana. Is it possible that all this time I thought I might be trailer trash, I was actually a hillbilly? Is that better or worse?! Should I change my name to Lurleen?! Would rehab help?

The Panic Room said...

I'm not sure I know the kind of hillbilly you are speaking about. The hillbillies here in FL would never drive a lo-rider truck. I blame Kid Rock for the crossover. I blame him for many many things.

Kurt said...

@The Panic Room: That's really only fair, I think. He's like Lynyrd Skynyrd without the sophistication or the classy fanbase.

Kurt said...

@IC: I can't even tell you how happy I am that you are back! I am a lousy neighbor, I wouldn't even hide that pistol for him when the sherriff came.

@TMC: You're on the internet and you can read so you're automatically disqualified as being a hillbilly. Plus do they even HAVE hills in Indiana? I'm pretty sure they don't.

Michelle said...

Wow, why am i focused on Shaun of the Dead?? Perhaps I love zombies?? I do love zombies but i digress!

You should definitely get that towin chain, I think you would be a hit in your HOOD!!!

I have attended a tourettes convention. It was fucking fun. I learned a lot of cool curse words. If you ask nicely, I may tell you!!!

FUCK!!!

SHIT!!!

HAVE A NICE HUMP DAY!!!

Kurt said...

@Michelle: There's nothing wrong with focusing on zombies. In fact...as soon as you STOP focusing on them, that's when they eat you. So focus.

Anonymous said...

*snicker* I'm pretty glad I found you again;) ~IC

Kurt said...

@IC: Me too. I was sad about leaving MS because of you and a few others. WIN!

Char said...

I wanted to buy fishsticks at the grocery on Monday but the room mate nixed that idea. We compromised with corn dogs.

Kurt said...

@Char: That's a good compromise. Sort of like the Louisiana Purchase of junk food.

Frank said...

You don’t own a towing chain??? Just tell them to jack the car up out of the ruts and then push it off the jack, and then mutter, “I thought every redneck inbred hillbilly knew that,” as you close the door.

Kurt said...

@Frank: This sounds so much like wisdom, it makes me nervous.

Vic said...

I didn't know my cousins were living in your neighborhood! Small world.

My daughter wants to watch CNN when she's sick. That's how we know she's really sick.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You got me all excited when I read The Sickness in the title. I thought it was going to be about you know what. The big one. The granddaddy of disease. The maestro of maladies. His Highness of hurt. You know!!

Yeah, that's right. I said it. Almost.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

That doesn't even come close to my almost naked neighbour and his banana. He's on my blog...and there's even a picture. Hahahaaaaa!

I took a picture.

And posted it on the internet.

Hahahahahaaaa!

Anna Russell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna Russell said...

You can say vehicle as long as you keep the H silent. Otherwise... there is no hope for you.

Your daughter should totally watch The Big Lebowski then pretend she's John Goodman in a bad mood to the lowrider guys.
Also, it's never to early to be able to list your favourite Coen Brothers movies.

Josie said...

Thank goodness I remembered I have a Twitter acct. I wondered where you moved to.

Homesteads and blogsites - You are a ramblin' man.

Nice to read you again, Josie

Kurt said...

@Vic: She watches horrible VH1 reality shows and then makes me talk about them. This does not help with the healing process.

@SMU, Kid: I hiv no idea what you're talking about.

@BE Girl: That's what the internet is for... humiliating pictures. Well that and porn.

@Anna Russell: She JUST started watch R movies. So of course Coen Brothers came first.

Kurt said...

@Josie: Hey Josie! Good to see you!

Josie said...

Ooo - I think Frank is my new guru.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Porn is for entertainment.

I was on the phone with my Dad once.

He said, "I'm going to hang up now. You're boring me."

I told him, "It's not my job to entertain you. That's what porn is for."

See. We think alike, you and me.

Prosy said...

HAHA Louisiana purchase of junk food. I'm going to use that in my blog and pretend I came up with it.

When am I going to hear about the results of your YahooQuestions© date rape problem? I have a friend that worked at Applebees© and they had a girl pass out on the floor and have siezures and maybe even bleed from the ears (I don't know I wasn't there) because she took took much date rape drug. Yeh, she put it in her drink herself because she liked to be a little fucked up while waiting tables. Oh, did I not mention she was an employee? My bad.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I say vehicle all the time. If you don't emphasize the "HICK" in the middle of it, you'll sound like quite the sophisticate. At least in your neighborhood, that is.

Miss Yvonne said...

This sounds like any random day in my neighborhood...only it really IS an impromptu monster truck rally. Gotta love Texas.

Belle said...

Kurt - we have some fucking hillbillies living next door to us too. I'm trying hard to get rid of them, but they are like cockroaches.

sour said...

i am guilty of letting the bodies hit the floor ... it was in the past, and i am not proud of it. but now you know.

Extraordinarily Ordinary said...

I wondered what happened to my old neighbors after they left Oklahoma. Tell them I said hello and that my husband is still pissed they stole his towin' chain which they have clearly misplaced.

Kurt said...

@BE Girl: I am incredibly sorry if that last bit is true. My brain feels a lot like a pile of decomposing turtles most of the time. You too?

@Prosy: Wow. You made this comment like in 1982. Nice Chuck Taylors and scarf belt.

@Mandy; Well you're the expert. Do you think you could market a low-rider with no paint that doesn't go anywhere and gets rained in on a regular basis? Because have I got a car for you!

@Miss Yvonne: Texas is like that crazy cousin you have who comes to dinner dressed all nice but by the end you have to lash him to a chair with a belt and force feed him his dinner and he swears and craps his pants and threatens to kill all the children. What? Was that just MY family?

@sour: We forgive you. Ooo-Wa-Ah-Ah-Ah!!

@ExOr: They are totally irresponsible like that. They also regularly lose track of their children and their hounds.

Kurt said...

@Belle: I wish they made Raid© for dirtbags.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

No. Just the porn part.