Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Love Foreign Films: RWWM Edition!!

I like how much this looks like a Saul Bass poster. Retro!

It's about time someone made a movie about how scary-boring it is trying to watch marine mammals. I can't say for sure that the people who  made Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre are geniuses because maybe they are just idiot savants or something and know a lot about how to make films... like that's what they can do instead of counting toothpicks, but they have almost no people skills and get super-upset when they miss American Idol or whatever, but this movie pretty much makes everything else ever filmed look like a laminated dog turd. And if you think it's an easy or clean or pleasant-smelling operation to laminate excrement than you didn't work at the same Kinko's I did. 

The movie is a sensitive portrayal of people doing stuff on a boat*, and then everything goes to hell and there seems to be a disproportionate number of hooks involved so look out!! Also, I went out on a river dolphin-watching trip once and to sum up: My Friend says: "Ooo! Look another grey hump in the water!" and then I say "Your Mom is a grey hump." and then we get asked to leave, but it's a boat so we just have to sit there for another hour watching the waterline for more grey humps and knowing everyone else wishes we were dead. THAT'S HOW MASSACRES START, is my point.

A description that I don't know where it comes from, but I read it on The Quiet Earth and if you say not knowing the source of a quote undermines my journalistic integrity than obviously you are not my BFF anymore and I totally am going to call my Mom in the middle of our next overnight crying because you're being mean and totally soaked my underwear in ketchup because you heard I just got my period. Wait...what? Sorry. Fugue state. Here:

An epic tale about a group of whale watchers, whose ship breaks down and they get picked up by a whale fisher vessel. The Fishbillies on the vessel has just gone bust, and everything goes out of control.

That's right...they used the term "Fishbillies" which is what I am going to call pretty much everyone from now on, so that when the priest says "Yes. My child?" I will say "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, you goddamn Fishbilly!" and then he will gasp because of how derogatory and maybe a little blasphemous** that sounds and then he'll be all 'Get out of the booth, Kurt. I thought I told you, you had to be Catholic to confess your sins?" and then I make a joke about his Mom and play an air guitar riff and run away. I'm also trying to figure out what "has just gone bust" means and if I can expect some boobies in this bad boy or what.

Warning: This video is from Iceland and they brought us Bjork, so they probably don't find splattery axe-to-the-head sounds and blood fountains disturbing, but if you do, then maybe don't watch this....



* I take my research seriously. Even though the facts are sketchy on this, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Pringles© brand potato crisps are delicious.***

* I can't say for sure if that is blasphemy or not because my "Kickass Biblical Scholar" certificate expired in '08. Also, I made it myself so I'm not sure it is a valid religious artifact.

*** Dear Pringles© jerks, I still don't have that endorsement deal so unless you want me to say that eating Pringles© will make you shit blood for a year, you better get cracking. I think by this point everyone reading knows I am unimpeachable as far as my endorsements go.

35 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Did you just do a Bill and Ted? The air guitar? I'm 13 right now.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I did. And the song I pretended to play was an instrumental piece I wrote especially for the occasion called "Love and Vaginas in Springtime"

Prosy said...

Isn't Fishbillies like a cartoon on Nickelodeon?! Oh God, what are we letting our children watch?

Anna Russell said...

Goddamned fishbilly.

Just trying it out. I like it. Also, Lesbian Vampire Killers is coming out, which counts as foreign to you because it's from the UK and I shall be expecting a blog post from you about it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

No better season for vaginas. ¡Que romantico! *sigh*

Kurt said...

@Prosy: I did a google search for fishbillies because I was afraid it was a storage locker or something and that was how they were able to "Just gone bust" and I think the lesson here is that if you hire English-as-a-second Language people to write your ad copy you'll generate tons of traffic on sheer confusion.

@Anna Russell: Already in the Netflix queue along with "DØD SNØ" the Norwegian Snow Zombie Comedy.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I don't speak Japanese.

Frank said...

Oh man, how come Iceland gets all the good films???

Captain Dumbass said...

Fishbilly? I'm so adding that to every conversation now. You should try whale watching here. We have Killer Whales. It adds a little excitement to the trip when you know that they could easily tip over your boat and eat you if they really wanted.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh yeah baby....you dropped a "your mom" and air guitar in the same post. I just might faint from the happiness of it all.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I wish Fishbilly was my last name.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Because they're economy already exploded and they are now living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Keeps production costs down.

@Captain Dumbass: I would dig that. Not getting eaten, unless it was by a sexy Mrs. Whale. If you know what I'm sayin'...

@Miss Yvonne: You know it's true...everything I doooo!!....

@Mandy's Kidding: This is the internet. Just start saying it is. Poof! Wish granted!

Soda and Candy said...

Uh, I already know I should not watch that video, I freaking love the poster though!

(Hi, BTW, I found you via TishTash's blog and you are fucking hilarious)

MichelleJ said...

Love and Vaginas in springtime is my all time favorite instrumental piece!!! Are you sure you wrote it Kurt?

Also, I am a bit confused at all the blood and gore!! Is this supposed to be a scary foreign icelandic film???

Guess i am just confused today!!!

Kurt said...

@Soda and Candy: The poster is super cool and the video is super not if you don't like horror movies. Welcome!

@MichelleJ: LOL! It IS scary! Massacre = horror, silly rabbit.

Vic said...

River dolphin watching, huh? We call those trout where I come from. They're delicious cooked over an open flame.

Anonymous said...

I watched the trailer and I'm confused. I just don't get what that movie is about. She said it was her honeymoon, so it's probably a romantic comedy. Is this movie like "Honeymoon in Vegas"? Because I loved that movie. You go SJP!! LOL!!!

Kurt said...

@Vic: You eat the indigenous fresh water dolphins of North Carolina? Dude. That's hardcore.

@Anonymous:I know, right? Nicolas Cage was SOOO funny in that movie! LOL!!

I think this is different though because instead of hilarious hijinx jumping out of an airplane with a bunch of Elvises, there's impalement.

sour said...

that anonymous character above me is right. it's got to be a comedy. did you hear the splarch noise when that thing hit that person's body part or whatever? who cares cuz blood came right out of that guy's mouth and i laughed out loud.

Vic said...

OH, yeah. Back in my backpacking days along the Ganges. That's in North Carolina, right? I always forget to pack the tarter sauce.

Kurt said...

@sour: That WAS hysterical. And then when the guy was walking down the hall with the ax? I bet he slipped on a banana peel next.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Hard. core. And I heard if you eat them without tartar sauce, it's not even illegal, because you're not pretending they're FISH.

Vic said...

Mammal schmammel.

And when Steamy's nuclear winter happens, I bet you'll be delicious with a side of tarter goodness.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Aw! You're sweet to say so!

Lump said...

your mom is a fishbilly!

I know a few fishbillies, actually.

Vic said...

Your mom is sweet to say so.
I mean, "that's what SHE said.
Touche?

Damn.

Kurt said...

@Lump: Marry me.

@Vic: Oh you're doing do good! Keep trying!

Kurt said...

I couldn't be prouder than if I'd won another Noble Prize for Handsomeness. TWO "Your Mom" comments in a row.

"They grow up so fast" (*sniff*)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm going to eat Kurt with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

fafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafafa

(It's really hard to spell out Anthony Hopkins' signature yummy noise.)

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: We appreciate you trying.
(*helicopter arms*)

Prosy said...

Kurt, is this you:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtQcmt8tvVeDQeZmLhVNCNzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090302171953AAKaWig&show=7#profile-info-DNO8ofFDaa

be honest.

TishTash said...

I think Pringles is staying away because you stink of desperation which goes really badly with their sour cream and onion flavor. It's like when girls are approached by really desperate guys and we say no because their musk reeks of premature ejaculation.

Star Kicker said...

Ok, I jsut watched that video and here's what I don't understand. The land is RIGHT there. Why did no one make a swim for it?

Tristan said...

Hey, you forgot to mention that the movie has Ernie Hudson in it, too! That makes it, like, a million times better! He really saved the Ghostbusters movies...they would've been crap without him. Also I worked at that Kinko's and one time I laminated a moth. But it was an accident.

Anonymous said...

the girl is hot! discuss