Friday, March 20, 2009

Hattori Hanzo Says He Hates "Jesus"

Me: Jesus Gorilla?
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: Jesus Octopus?
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: Jesus BATTLING a gorilla?
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: Ooo! Here's Jesus battling a T. Rex on the Moon!
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: Well what can I blog about Jesus fighting? Crime?
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: Gingivitis! I could totally see... like the Real Jesus... battling tooth decay. Because he loves me so.
Hattori Hanzo: No. Look, just leave Jesus out of it. I know you're struggling for a witty blog idea but why is your "go to" solution Jesus either battling or fighting something?
Me: Wait. What was that?
Hattori Hanzo: What was what?
Me: You just airquoted.
Hattori Hanzo:So?
Me: So?! Airquotes cause cancer and probably IBS and hurts puppies and shit.
Hattori Hanzo:No, they don't. They're the same as giving words hugs. Only with quotation marks.
Me: No. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that using airquotes turns your libido into dust and also breaks your mama's back and if you do that again I'm totally going to punch you in the throat.
Hattori Hanzo: Don't be stupid. I'm pretend, and besides can you imagine how often your mom would call you if she had a broken back? Like every two seconds. I don't need "that".
Me: I'm going to pretend that didn't just happen. Like for the sake of world peace. But seriously, stop it.
Hattori Hanzo: Okay.
Me: Where were we? 
Hattori Hanzo: Jesus was battling tartar. How about instead we write about sweater vests?
Me: Why? Did Jesus battle those? I don't remember that from the Bible. Like was he cast out of the Lion's Den and into Kergan and he had to keep them from wearing sweater vests in the great temple on the Sabbatch because of God's love?
Hattori Hanzo: I'm pretty sure there's no such day as "The Sabbatch" and also there's no place in the Bible called "Kergan", because that was the bad guy's name from "Highlander". 
Me: That was a lot of airquotes. You're really pushing your luck.  And the Sabbatch is the day after Fat Tuesday where you have to rub your head with dirt or else antlers grow or something.
Hattori Hanzo: You haven't been to church in a REALLY long time,have you?
Me: So why would Jesus fight sweater vests?
Hattori Hanzo: He wouldn't. Leave Jesus out of this. I meant you could blog about how sweater vests are all The Boy will wear when he wants to look fancy and that you don't know who instilled that particular idea into his head, but you'd like to catch them and throttle them because now you can't go shopping for dress clothes without him throwing a little pouting fit because all he ever wants is to buy ANOTHER sweater vest. And what's so fancy about not having sleeves, because if you take sleeves off a t-shirt all you have then is an overwhelming desire to drink PBR and listen to Skynyrd and maybe punch a relative. And that's not fancy at all. 
Me: I don't that funny?
Hattori Hanzo: Funnier than Jesus fighting dinosaurs in space.
Me: Nothing is funnier than Jesus battling space dinosaurs.
Hattori Hanzo: Your Mom is funnier than Jesus Battling Space Dinosaurs.
Me: Nice. Okay... how about Jesus battling dinosaurs in sweater vests. That would kind of tie it all up in a pretty package. It would surrounds us. It would penetrate us. It would bind the galaxy together.
Hattori Hanzo: Stop quoting The Star War.
Me: Luminous Beings are we not this crude matter.
Hattori Hanzo: OW! Quit pinching! You know I hate it when you "Yoda Quote".
Me: That's it Hanzo! It's Go time!
Hattori Hanzo: You're an idiot.


Kat said...

Dinosaurs in sweater vests are evil. The Lord should totally get on that ASAP. I mean I know he is busy and all preparing for that whole Armageddon the world is ending thing, but I think that could totally be delayed for a century or so with no significant consequences.

Belle said...

Does Hattori travel?
He can come and stay with me for awhile.

Michelle said...

I like this Hattori Hanzo imaginary person in your "mind". Oh I air quoted mind in case you didn't notice. The reason I air quoted "mind" is because I was referring to YOUR mind which could be questionable this morning right??

You should definitely do a post about Jesus battling dinosaurs in sweater vests. I think it would make a great read!!!


Chelle said...

So THAT is what it means to be saved by Jesus. It's from DINOSAURS.

Dinosaurs-- EXTINCT...... Jesus- EXTINCT-ish.... well endangered at least.

Who won? It's like the chicken/egg enigma?

I'm thinking pretty hard here. I'm going to get a coffee now.

Kurt said...

@Kat: I just appreciate the little things, like that your name doesn't end in "elle"

@Belle: You can have him. He snores.

@Michelle: My "mind" has always been of questionable stability. It's the psychosis that makes me an exciting thrill ride!

@Chelle: Some things were just not meant for mankind to know, I guess. Like why Paris Hilton is famous. ZING!!

Venom said...

WTH? You let that bugger get in the last word?

Miss Yvonne said...

You are the king of using your mom. That's what she said.

Hey, in college I had a crush on a guy that wore sweater vests almost every day. He also wore argyle socks and was a member of the Young Republicans. So yeah, he turned out to be a douche and a good example of why sweater vests are evil.

Prosy said...

You know that your son learned sweater vests were 'fancy' (airquotes!) from your hillbilly neighbors

Kurt said...

@Venom: He makes a good point actually.

@Miss Yvonne: I'm the Michael Phelps of "Your Mom"? Discuss. Also, you dated a Young Republican? Oh right...Texas.

@Prosy: They think dickies are fancy.

Chelle said...

She's famous for letting people stay the night in her. DOUBLE ZING!

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured TWICE on Five Star Friday!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

He was cast out of Merkin, and it was the Temple of Sammich.

Because Jesus loved sammiches.

I guess I did learn a thing or two in Cathlolic school.

Frank said...

Please tell Hattori that only Jesus could battle dinosaurs on the moon. NASA just doesn’t have the budget anymore and James Bond is busy filming his next movie.

Kurt said...

@Schmutzie: WoW! Thank you! Pew! Pew! Pew!

@SMU, Kid: We so need to start that Sunday school.

@Frank: I'll tell his PA.

Captain Dumbass said...

The space dinosaurs actually ate the section of the bible they were recorded in. References were turned up in a Dead Sea scroll discovered in '63. Unfortunately it was quickly covered up by the Church to hide other references to female priests and an early version of the Atkins Diet. Ya, they made a killing off that one. Bastards.

Kurt said...

@Cap'n: Now that priests can't have sex with tattletale alter boys so readily they've all gotten a bit chubbier. They could use Atkins since they are eating through their depression, in theory.

I added the "in theory" so I won't go to hell.

Captain Dumbass said...

Good luck with that.

sour said...

i don't even own a sweater vest. but i do have cat hair on my leopard print tights

Kurt said...

@Sour: Well that's all I can ask for.