Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Grocery Beard Strikes Again

I'm totally not mentioning You-Know-What ^^ in this post, Frank.

So I'm at the grocery store because my house is now devoid of food and if you let a pack of wild dogs in they would enter cautiously, sniff the air, walk in a circle, probably piss on a stack of books* or the Wii or something, and then run off because there's nothing to eat besides people in here and they haven't sunk THAT low yet.  And also The Girl is home sick with what the doctors are calling "a fever" but I'm calling it "being a pussy" so I totally have to go and buy her Gatorade and grapes and fish sticks and I'm not sure I've ever seen a prescription for fish sticks but she insists the nurse said to buy her that and a peach smoothie, so what do I know? It's not like I'm Dr. Quinn birthin' a horse or something.

I'm in the store and there are all these kids running around, like with their Moms and stuff, and I'm all "Pfft. Why isn't your kid in school, Lay-deeee?" in my head and then I look in her cart and she's totally buying Hawaiian Punch which means she doesn't want to spring for 100% fruit juice, so these kids are pretty much being beaten right in front of me, and I don't want to be judgmental because then I won't be able to say "I'm not judgmental BUT..." before I judge someone, but I totally want to ask her why her kids aren't being defended as the last great natural resource our country has. And I look at their teeth and one kid is missing the front ones, so either he just got punched or he's four and that's normal, but should I really take my chances? And then I see she has lettuce in her cart so I ease back a bit, because these little bastards are obviously getting their roughage. And then I realize I've been standing there staring into her cart for like a solid minute and then I look up and she's looking right at me, and so I smile and she flinches and then I remember that my depression beard makes me look like a pedophile, so we both pretty much run away.

But I'm still wondering where she gets off letting her kids skip school and then I remember that my kid is skipping school and I totally get into an argument with myself where one me is saying "Yeah. But she's sick!" and the other me is all "Maybe they're sick too." and then the first me is like "Pfft. Did you even SEE those kids? They're totally healthy." and then the second me is all 'Yeah, as long as being ugly isn't a disease." and then I give myself a high-five after shouting out "Up TOP!" and then everyone is looking at me in my depression beard and bathrobe and then the store manager had to get involved and he always starts his little speeches with "You again?"And then I screamed "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!" and "Freedooommmmm!" like in Braveheart©, but he just took away my box of fishsticks and pointed at the door.**



*In the original draft of this I wrote "comic books" but then I remembered that Watchmen isn't doing so hot and maybe comic books aren't as cool as none of the girls who slept with me in High School had led me to believe. I secretly think they are cool, but I wrote "books" because no one thinks reading is uncool. Reading is FUN-damental©.*** 

**For all the new readers I seem to have: it should be pointed out that while I am a roguishly handsome, genius superhero I am prone to lying pretty much all the time and while the events didn't transpire exactly like this, I DID have a delicious roast beef sandwich for lunch.  Okay. Not really. 


***This is the second time I've written that today and it just keeps getting funnier to me, so TOO BAD, People-With-Standards!

51 comments:

sweetney said...

"Depression beard" -- totally stealing that.

Nikki said...

I needed a laugh. Thanks

Kurt said...

@Sweetney: Have at it. Stealing is what the internet is for. Well that and porn.

@Nikki: Glad to be of service.

Brandy Rose said...

Go ahead and mention "You-Know-What" cuz I don't know what and now I'm curious.

Also, I watched Watchmen last night. Disappointed...

Vic said...

I've been told by a reliable source that employees in camping equipment stores will love your depression beard, and might even ask to touch it.
Also, you can pick up a sleeping bag, for when you transition into full hobo mode.

I think fish sticks are loaded with vitamins.

Chelle said...

I have a superpower. Any time anyone accidentally calls me Karen, I catch on fire.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I hear fishdogs are like Emergen-C. Get the girl a fishdog, STAT!

Chelle said...

I can hear the thoughts of possums. Not much goin' on in there you know.

Chelle said...

Whenever I step on a red ant, someone somewhere starts liking the song, "Suds in the bucket".

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: dinosaurs. Don't tell Frank I told you though.

@Vic: EMS looks like a buncha beard strokers. I appreciate that you don't think I've already made that transition. You are like a kind stranger.

@Chelle: Probably the best three superpowers I've ever heard of.

@SMU, Kid: I had to go back and check and just you and I are calling them by their maiden-name which is "fishdogs". They're marketing name is "Sea Dogs©"

Chelle said...

I can turn bearnaise sauce into hollandaise sauce by blinking 47 times within a 30 second time period.

If I stand on a stranger's economy, I can hear what the color orange sounds like.

Kat said...

The secret to judging parents is to do it with perfect stealth to avoid detection. Of course your depression beard might hamper these efforts.

Chelle said...

Economy CAR.

Whenever I make a typo, Condoleeza Rice's tooth gap widens.

Chelle said...

I should stop now? What? I can't hear you, I have this paper crinkling beside my ears..

sour said...

DINOSAUR WITH A BEARD

there, i said it.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: I wondered how you might stand on a stranger's economy, but what do I know, I don't have any cool superpowers like you.

@Kat:All stealth flies right out the window once you consciously decide to look more like a terrorist / Sex offender.

@Sour: I so wish you hadn't. I always picture "Frank" the bunny from "Donnie Darko" when he comments and that makes me pee just a little.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oooohhh, well, my bad. I stand corrected, Mr. Accuracy.

*flips the bird*

@Vic: (Secret eye roll) Seriously, right?

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I feel like i should be apologizing but then you're flipping me off so maybe you should be. I don't know how this "people stuff" works. I'm pretty much the Rain Man (wait for it...)

of Pedophilia.

Anna Russell said...

Stupid ugly kids. You could have taken your kid there and been all "Yeah, I might look like a freak with my depression beard, but at least my kid's cute". (in your inside your head voice, of course).

And don't EVER say comics aren't cool. EVER!!!!!!!!

Ashley said...

Awesome.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: My kid is running a 100+ degree temp and whining the whole time and I pretty much wish I could catch a 24 hour bout of deafness. Plus, all my inter-friends know I love the comics.

@Ashley: (*bows and tips Top hat*)

TrodoMcCracken said...

Kisd staying home from school? That's impossible. I never knew that could happen. Whenever we suggested that maybe we were too sick to go school my mother would go all crazy eye on us, beat us with a blender, and tie us to a stake outside for the bus to pick up with notes pinned to our shirts saying " They fell down the stairs" and we wouldn't say otherwise because we were scared.

But then again, I'd do the same damn thing if I had six kids all wanting to stay home.

Vic said...

Pshuh!! Yeah, Mr. Accuracy!!

*special rude Italian gesture involving elbows, copied from a tree, accompanied by moronic giggle*

@Steamy: What's a SeaDog again??

Kurt said...

@Trodo: If you had six kids it would be a swarm.

@Vic: I hate that tree.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

@Vic: shh i'll explain later. ok it's fried fish in a bun. the point is, look mad. do that tree thing again, i bet that really hurts his feelings.

@Kurt: check out Vic trying to be all mean. it's cute, right? Aw.

Kurt said...

@SMU,Kid: Yeah. She's pretty much the Baby Panda of the Being-Mean world. But don't discourage her.

That Baldy Fella said...

Damn, I was gonna be the first one to mention dinosaurs because normally you're the one that mentions dinosaurs and it would have been sweet to mention dinosaurs first but then Brandy Rose made you mention dinosaurs so then I thought, "That's Ok, I can be the second person to mention dinosaurs", but then Sour went and said "Dinosaur" which makes me the third person to mention dinosaurs and, as such, makes this comment pretty prehistoric.

Aaaaah, d'you see what i did there? Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Frank said...

Kurt, Your depression beard is getting to you. I was admiring your creative use of dinosaurs, not condemning it. I have found that your recommended screaming of "Diplomatic Immunity" works in all situations, except when you move to the front of the line at Wendy’s during the lunch rush.

Kurt said...

@Baldy: I am so impressed at that set-up that I passed out for a few seconds. A+ for you!

@Frank: Wendy's hates foreigners in other words. Good to know.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I so loved fishsticks when I was a kid. Fishsticks and Jiffy branf blueberry muffins and mac n cheese. The dinner of single dads everywhere.

Good memories. Hope the girl feels better soon...unless that was "made up"

I have no idea why I put made up in quotations.

Kurt said...

@SBA: Nope. She's actually sick. Thanks.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Did you have a towel safety pinned to the shoulders of your robe for the full super hero effect? Or did you forget today?

Chelle said...

Whenever a kid annoys me, an entire hockey team turns deaf for 8 minutes.

Char said...

it's spring break here - the gardens were ridden with cute little brats ripping up the scenery and general destroying my shots

Char said...

generally even

Suburbia Steph said...

Or even worse - she's probably one of those *gasp* homeschoolers! Funny how they always bring their 8 children out with them during the day when they should be home learnin'!

Michelle said...

OK, i think i may love you!!!

Also, I thought I was the only one with a depression beard and I am a woman!!!!

Dude you rock and you are going on my blog roll!!!

Kurt said...

@BE Girl: Sometimes it's more fun to let you fill in the dots. Like maybe you thought I had underwear on under the robe.

@Chelle: I just can't even begin to discuss how impressive I find you.

@Char: You should carry a tranquilizer dart with you at all times.

@Surburban Steph: Silly girl. Homeschoolers aren't real. They're like the yeti or PMS.

@Michelle: I bet your depression beard is quite striking. Like a phoenix. Thanks for the pimpage!

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Oh, no. I didn't need to ask if you went commando.

Miss Yvonne said...

Aren't kids total drama queens? Mine today was all "Do you have an extra trash can I can use in case I have to throw up in my room because I'm really sick" and I was all "Nice try, go lay on the floor in the bathroom, I'm not cleaning up a vomit can" and he was all "Uuuhhh ooohhh I don't feel so good" and I was all "Dude, I'm busy cooking sausages and onions right now, can you talk to me about this later?"

See? Total drama queen.

Star Kicker said...

I'm not trying to be "judgemental," but judgmental isn't spelled like that. :)

But, when are you going to get a giddy goatee?

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: I know, right? Mine was all "My temperature is 103." blah-blah-blah. Luckily she passed out soon after because that shit was getting played out, yo.

@Star Kicker: Damn. I saw that too and totally forgot about it. Thanks.

Captain Dumbass said...

I tried to grow a depression beard a few months back but it drove me crazy so I had to shave it off. I wasn't actually depressed, so maybe that didn't help. All the school moms were lookin at me like I was a criminal or something too.

Anonymous said...

Your depression beard is killing me softly. ~Infinity

Kurt said...

@Cap'n DA: Yeah mine is starting to make me a little nutty. Nothing I can't fix though. Isn't that right, whiskey?

@IC: YAY!

Elisa said...

I tell you, the crap some people buy for their kids, you wonder why Child Services doesn't leave their people in supermarkets.

We all get a depression beard. Some of us get it on our legs though. Which is cool because you can cover your legs and still look annoyingly perky to outsiders.

Chelle said...

OH SURE. You can talk about YOUR facial hairstyle and it's not girly.

Chelle said...

You didn't even MENTION serial killers OR dental floss OR epileptics in this post.

They're the major three topics of a good quality blog.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: You raise a good point. I should have mentioned serial killers. My bad.

Kurt said...

@Elisa: Heh. I forgot about depression legs. That sounds a lot more serious.

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