The tricky part is I'm going to have to get showered and dressed in the MORNING, and it's been a while for either and I'm not even sure they still turn the hot water on this early*** because if I was my landlord I would be all "There's no way that guy showers before noon, let's save some money and turn off the hot water heater until then." which is totally illegal, and I totally should sue that guy, but you know what? I can't go around living in fear and if that guy wants to be dirty and gross and pass out on the couch every night using a half-eaten loaf of bread as a pillow than it's not my problem.
Hattori Hanzo: Okay. Stop. You can't be every character in the stories you write. That's confusing as hell.
Me: Shut up, Hattori! I was just about to give that dirt-bag tenant of mine what-for.
Hattori Hanzo: But the "dirt-bag" was you at the beginning of the paragraph. Reading this is going to give people seizures.
Me: So what you're saying is I pretty much DO have superpowers.
Hattori Hanzo: No. What I'm saying is that maybe you need to start using punctuation, because you are getting confused in the middle of your sentences and ending up as both the protagonist AND the antagonist.
Me: You know what else is an antagonist? MY FIST!
Hattori Hanzo: I'm pretend. Congratulations dipshit, you just punched the wall.
Me: Ow!! Stingy!
Hattori Hanzo: It's probably broken.
ME: Because I am such a furious fighter?
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah that's it.
Me: Hey, Hattori...
Me: Let's hug.
Hattori Hanzo: This is the dumbest thing you've ever written.
Me: (*hugging*) You're the best friend ever!
Hattori Hanzo: Please go take a shower, you smell like you've been keeping cheese or maybe an old slipper in your boxers.
*Dictionary College© is where they go to make all the new words and it is very exclusive and secret which is why you didn't know about it, but I went there one semester and joined this crazy fraternity that had big toga parties and then we almost got kicked off campus but made this float...
Hattori Hanzo: That was Animal House.
**Using "chronic" and "yo" so close together earns double-mad street cred points, I know because I asked the drug dealer on the corner and she was all "I'm trying to get these kids across the street safely. Please leave me alone." which I totally think is secret drug-dealer code for "MAD street cred, Yo!"
*** The scientific community has just informed me that it is almost impossible to turn off a hot water heater like that but then I pointed out that the scientific community doesn't know what the hell they are talking about, because I also made THEM up, so I think we'll have to settle this WITH OUR FISTS!!!