Friday, March 6, 2009

The Greatest Adventure

Today will be a historic day because I am having an adventure and there will be photographic evidence and I'm  not saying I will be saving the world or curing some horrid disease, because I'll probably end up doing both and it will be for the historians to decide which one kicked the most ass. (because that's what historians do.) Also, I read somewhere that part of being a role model is something called "humility" and I don't know what the hell that guy was talking about but it's probably like a college prank or something to get that slipped into the "role model" definition. Like, they where all sitting around the dorm at Dictionary College©* and smoking some chronic** and were like "Dude, let's make it sound like role models have to be humble, yo.**" and then the other guy passed out, so that's the definition now. Thanks a lot, Marijuana. Now I'll never be able to ask for the credit I so richly deserve.

The tricky part is I'm going to have to get showered and dressed in the MORNING, and it's been a while for either and I'm not even sure they still turn the hot water on this early*** because if I was my landlord I would be all "There's no way that guy showers before noon, let's save some money and turn off the hot water heater until then." which is totally illegal, and I totally should sue that guy, but you know what? I can't go around living in fear and if that guy wants to be dirty and gross and pass out on the couch every night using a half-eaten loaf of bread as a pillow than it's not my problem.

Hattori Hanzo: Okay. Stop. You can't be every character in the stories you write. That's confusing as hell.
Me: Shut up, Hattori! I was just about to give that dirt-bag tenant of mine what-for.
Hattori Hanzo: But the "dirt-bag" was you at the beginning of the paragraph. Reading this is going to give people seizures.
Me: So what you're saying is I pretty much DO have superpowers.
Hattori Hanzo: No. What I'm saying is that maybe you need to start using punctuation, because you are getting confused in the middle of your sentences and ending up as both the protagonist AND the antagonist.
Me: You know what else is an antagonist? MY FIST!
Hattori Hanzo: I'm pretend. Congratulations dipshit, you just punched the wall.
Me: Ow!! Stingy!
Hattori Hanzo: It's probably broken.
ME: Because I am such a furious fighter?
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah that's it.
Me: Hey, Hattori...
Hattori Hanzo:Yeah?
Me: Let's hug.
Hattori Hanzo: This is the dumbest thing you've ever written.
Me: (*hugging*) You're the best friend ever!
Hattori Hanzo: Please go take a shower, you smell like you've been keeping cheese or maybe an old slipper in your boxers.

*Dictionary College© is where they go to make all the new words and it is very exclusive and secret which is why you didn't know about it, but I went there one semester and joined this crazy fraternity that had big toga parties and then we almost got kicked off campus but made this float...
Hattori Hanzo: That was Animal House.

**Using "chronic" and "yo" so close together earns double-mad street cred points, I know because I asked the drug dealer on the corner and she was all "I'm trying to get these kids across the street safely. Please leave me alone." which I totally think is secret drug-dealer code for "MAD street cred, Yo!"

*** The scientific community has just informed me that it is almost impossible to turn off a hot water heater like that but then I pointed out that the scientific community doesn't know what the hell they are talking about, because I also made THEM up, so I think we'll have to settle this WITH OUR FISTS!!!


Belle said...

Kurt. I'm worried for you. You need to get out more. You and Hattori are waaaay to close.

Kurt said...

@Belle: Pfft. I could quit him whenever I wanted. (*single tear rolls down cheek*)

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

So what is your big adventure? Or was that mad up for the sake of the story?

And thank you cause now I have Feelin Groovey in my head.

"Hello lamppost whatcha knowing?" (best line evah!

Kurt said...

@SBA: Nope. I'm going on a photo shoot and then to lunch with my friend Tracy.

Anna Russell said...

'Sup dawg? You been puffing on that chronic before blogging again, yo? Fo shizzle.

(that was an excerpt from my book Things White Girls With Scottish Accents Should Never Say).

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: Wow. You have so much street cred, you could probably hang with the Bad Guys from the "Beat it" video. (NOT Micheal Jackson's Team...because they were pussies.)

Frank said...

I can’t tell if you need less alcohol, or more. I do know you definitely should increase the meds, or what ever you get your hands on that you call meds. Yes, Hattori can have some too.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wow, you're a really good puncher! I bet your invisible figment probably even felt it a little.

Punches and hugs within 5 seconds? You are a very passionate man, and when they try to medicate you, petewy it out into a planter. Trust me.

Maggie May said...

Dictionary College=awesomeness

Miss Yvonne said...

There's a lot of fisting going on in this post.

Vic said...

I think you got it wrong - it's not humility that's important in a role model, it's "humidity" (get that bread out of your ears)
It's like if your hair is extra frizzy and your skin is dewy, people look up to you. I grew up in Oregon, and my hair was so frizzy I was practically a god to those people.

Char said...

hmmmm, adventure? where are the ninjas? you can't expect me to believe the world was saved without ninjas.

Kurt said...

@Frank: I am an enigma, wrapped in barbituates.

@SMU, Kid: I do like my emotions to be exciting and unpredictable. I like it a lot more than our waitresses usually do. "petewy" is my new favorite verb.

@Maggie May: You should have gone. The Male to Female ratio was like 1500: imaginary.

@Miss Yvonne: I don't know what your talking about. And yes my face is always this "scrunchy", Thank you very much.

@Vic: I always mix up the two, I hear on the news that the humidity is going to be 80% and I am all "Shit. I'm WAY better than that!"

@Char: Who said "no ninjas"? I know it wasn't me.

Brandy Rose said...

Hattori takes such good care of you, what would you do with out him.