So I'm at Kohl's© looking through all their winter clothes that are totally being discounted because winter is supposed to be over even though it's like negative infinity degrees outside, and if I see that goddamn groundhog I'm going to wear his fat ass on my shoe. But the point is, I'm looking for good deals on long-sleeved dress shirts and ties because of all the job interviews I'll be going on. (in theory) As I drift around the store hoping I don't get mistaken for a hobo** I walk past this rack of hoodies and that's not a big deal, because I live in the northeast and I have about a metric asston of them already. But then I see that these have a tag on them and the tag says:
And so I did. And I was all "Damn. That is soft." So I bought 3 of them and no dress shirts or ties with conservative patterns on them that make me employable and that is when I realized that in a toss-up between being employed and being comfortable and squishy, "employed" is pretty much effed and that's like picking between a delicious milkshake and being kicked in the balls so it's practically unfair to make the comparison.
And then I realized that the line between unemployed person in a super-soft hoodie and a dirty hobo ridin' the rails with all his possessions wrapped in a hanky on the end of a stick is very thin indeed and then I decided I had better go home and shower RIGHT THEN, because if anyone were to come along and accuse me of being a homeless drifter, I would be hard pressed to prove otherwise. And that's what happened to John Rambo in First Blood© and I don't want to end up killing everyone in town because of a simple misunderstanding, mostly because I was in the city and it would take a really long time to kill everyone except by terrorist attack. Which I am OPPOSED to!! It's what side we choose in moral conundrums like this that makes us better than the apes***. (In theory)
*I apologize for this rudeness, especially since Pringles© brand potato crisps are so delicious and would never murder a hooker, although there is a chance that they may one day become one of the sponsors of this blog, so I think we can all agree that they are yummy times infinity. Also, they would understand the difference between a handjob and whatever the hell it was she was doing.
** This is trickier than you might think because a hobo is a) unemployed, b)dirty and c) carrying all their possesions around in a hanky at the end of a stick, and since I am two of these three things I better be careful and wily like a bobcat. Actually, I've never seen a bobcat and cannot claim to know how wily they are. That's just ridiculous. Like I know,right? Jesus, I get carried away sometimes. Bobcats do have really cool ears though.
***I'm not saying I'm better than an ape, I just know that if I had taken control of the entire human race and buried the Statue of Liberty and could ride a horse even though I was a gorilla, I wouldn't let Charleton Heston eff my shit up. Because he's dead. And if you've never seen the original "Planet of the Apes" you might not get that, but then again you're probably a dirty commie, so who cares?