Thursday, March 5, 2009

Feel The Softness!!

The following is a true story except for parts of it I'm going to make up because I like to keep things interesting and by "to keep things interesting" I mean "to lie" but what are you , the ethics police? Like you've never tried to bury a hooker in the backyard only to remember that you are a renter and that the only shovel you have is a mini-sized, child's, plastic, snow shovel and then the hooker comes to because apparently the human head can take blows from a toy shovel a lot more readily than you had anticipated. Damn, I promised myself I wouldn't kill any hookers on this new blog. Oh well. They're like Pringles©, once you pop one you can't stop*. So yeah. You pretty much better grow the fuck up and don't judge me.

So I'm at Kohl's© looking through all their winter clothes that are totally being discounted because winter is supposed to be over even though it's like negative infinity degrees outside, and if I see that goddamn groundhog I'm going to wear his fat ass on my shoe. But the point is, I'm looking for good deals on long-sleeved dress shirts and ties because of all the job interviews I'll be going on. (in theory) As I drift around the store hoping I don't get mistaken for a hobo** I walk past this rack of hoodies and that's not a big deal, because I live in the northeast and I have about a metric asston of them already. But then I see that these have a tag on them and the tag says:

Like, how could I not?

And so I did. And I was all "Damn. That is soft." So I bought 3 of them and no dress shirts or ties with conservative patterns on them that make me employable and that is when I realized that in a toss-up between being employed and being comfortable and squishy,  "employed" is pretty much effed and that's like picking between a delicious milkshake and being kicked in the balls so it's practically unfair to make the comparison. 

And then I realized that the line between unemployed person in a super-soft hoodie and a dirty hobo ridin' the rails with all his possessions wrapped in a hanky on the end of a stick is very thin indeed and then I decided I had better go home and shower RIGHT THEN, because if anyone were to come along and accuse me of being a homeless drifter, I would be hard pressed to prove otherwise. And that's what happened to John Rambo in First Blood© and I don't want to end up killing everyone in town because of a simple misunderstanding, mostly because I was in the city and it would take a really long time to kill everyone except by terrorist attack. Which I am OPPOSED to!! It's what side we choose in moral conundrums like this that makes us better than the apes***. (In theory)


*I apologize for this rudeness, especially since Pringles© brand potato crisps are so delicious and would never murder a hooker, although there is a chance that they may one day become one of the sponsors of this blog, so I think we can all agree that they are yummy times infinity. Also, they would understand the difference between a handjob and whatever the hell it was she was doing.

** This is trickier than you might think because a hobo is a) unemployed, b)dirty and c) carrying all their possesions around in a hanky at the end of a stick, and since I am two of these three things I better be careful and wily like a bobcat. Actually, I've never seen a bobcat and cannot claim to know how wily they are. That's just ridiculous. Like I know,right? Jesus, I get carried away sometimes. Bobcats do have really cool ears though.

***I'm not saying I'm better than an ape, I just know that if I had taken control of the entire human race and buried the Statue of Liberty and could ride a horse even though I was a gorilla, I wouldn't let Charleton Heston eff my shit up. Because he's dead. And if you've never seen the original "Planet of the Apes" you might not get that, but then again you're probably a dirty commie, so who cares?

24 comments:

Fandango said...

You'ld be surprised... I wrote about Hummers the other day? I got a hit from the people at Hummer, doing their daily... "Who's talking shit about us..." So Be ready for a call from Pringle and Charlton Heston's zombie.

Fandango said...

That would be PringleS, since you can't eat just one.

Fandango said...

Wait... or was that Ruffles.

FrankandMary said...

Well, Charleton has a son who looks just like him. But now I am too busy trying to find out which part is true & which is a lie. I wish it was more obvious :-). Next time maybe an Omar Sharif reference?~Mary

Maelstrom said...

When I go to Kohl's I spend all my time trying to get my kids to stay with me instead of standing in front of the entrance dancing and looking at themselves on the video monitor.

Maelstrom said...

@Maelstrom - I totally do that too!

Maelstrom said...

@Maelstrom - lolwut?

Mandy's Kidding said...

I want to pet you.

Kurt said...

@Fandango: Hummer needs to manage their press because they are pretty much an atrocity, unlike Pringles© which are like manna from heaven. Especially Cheez-Ums.

@F&M: If I could work a Lawrence of Arabia reference in I would. But I think this blog is epic enough.

@Maelstrom: I just go about my business and hope for an abduction.

@AlsoMaelstrom: LOL!!!!111! ZOMG!!

Kurt said...

@Mandy: I'm like a baby bunny.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I had dialed the phone to Homeland Security and had it up to my ear about to turn you in, but then you clarified that you're OPPOSED to terrorism, which clarified it for me so I hung up. Phew! Thank God for all caps!

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I'm pretty much the opposite of terrorism because everywhere I go people come out of their house and start dance-offs and stuff.

Frank said...

Charleton Heston is/was a relative of mine. (Really) He never comes to the family reunions, but the blessing on the food always contains the phrase, “you damn dirty apes.”

Kurt said...

@Frank: Sorry for your loss then (really). He was awesome and then he was a freaky gun-nut, but we'll always have "Spartacus".

Char said...

what? where is the snuggle bear?

Kurt said...

@Char: He ran away after I accidentally groped his junk. I was reaching for a can of peaches and he was passed out on the floor because we were up until all hours drinking and then all the sudden I'm "snuggling" him. Embarrassing.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When I put voices to your comments, which I always do because everything comes back to tv for me, Frank is Creed from The Office. I don't know why, it wasn't a conscious choice.

Anna Russell said...

If Pringles murdered a hooker, I would still finish the tube before even beginning to care. It is true - once you pop you can't stop. And the hooker's dead anyway, so who cares?

Maelstrom said...

Can I have the voice of James Earl Jones?

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: HAHAHA! Now I'm going to hear that voice when I read his comments. And you can be "Bunny Lebowski". You're welcome.

@Anna Russell: If Pringles© murdered a hooker I'd be all "Let's hide the body." because I wouldn't want Pringles© to go to jail and then it would owe me a favor. A delicious favor...

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: You'll have to ask SMU, Kid. She's in charge of voice assignments.

Frank said...

@SMU – I listened to Creed, One Last Breath, all day yesterday. Then when I got home I played it on the Fender until about 1am. Then I slid across the wood floor like Tom Cruise before he got religion, but I almost dropped my guitar, so I went to bed. Too Freaky, you must have picked up on that. Oh, Creed on The Office… No, no, no, I have a mustache.

@Kurt – Boy you sure do get some strange ones following your blog.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

You could look into a career as a personal trainer. They were alot of hoodies, or a teenage girl, um or a mugger who disgusies himself as a jogger in a hoodie?

Brandy Rose said...

You tried to beat a hooker to death with a toy shovel and you're wondering why we tried to lock you up? tsk, tsk.

But I forgive you. Only because of the "Planet of the Apes" references.