Monday, March 30, 2009

Fail Beards and Think Tanks

Fail Beard is the new Your Mom.

So The Depression Beard Experiment has totally come to an end, because all it really looks like is that I'm suffering from radiation poisoning, and unless that gives me super-strength like the Hulk, it is not a good look. In fact, it made me look even more sickly than usual and by "sickly" I totally meant "strapping". So I've settled on Fail Beard, which is just the goatee part of the Depression Beard... all forgotten and lonely on my chin, and I totally want to give it a hug because it is a good Fail Beard and doesn't sass me and always does its homework and it plays catch with that Mark kid from up the street who has terrible depth perception and keeps getting beaned in the face with fastballs and is beginning to develop some bad nervous tics from the repeated brain trauma.
Since I can't grow a beard it's pretty obvious that my future as a lumberjack is now in question, so I'll have to do something else. And that's when it hit me. I'll be a Think Tank! One of those guys, who works in groups and comes up with innovative solutions to difficult problems, but I don't want to work with anyone else because they'll totally cramp my style, yo and also because they might not like me coming into work at our super-fancy office building in my bathrobe, and I don't need those guys anyway(s), because the very first problem I will solve is how not to work with other members of my think tank because they are such assholes. Also, I'm pretty sure as a Think Tank I get to drive around in an actual tank and hunt dinosaurs. But I can't find that information online.

Now I'm pumped because I have a career totally planned out and all I need is an awesome name for my Think Tank, and a building, and start-up capital and cool stationary.  So I started with the stationary because I think we can all agree that when a guy walks up to you in a bar and asks how much for a "special" because he hopes you're a prostitute, the whole situation can be diffused if he does something classy like handing you a business card and saying "Think about it!" whilst waggling his eyebrows. I'm so smooth it's ridiculous, is my point. 

I want to keep the card simple, but maybe "Think Tank" isn't the right title to convey how awesome I am and I need to add something else,  but then that episode of House comes on where the Australian Dr.'s Dad comes to say goodbye to his son because he has The Cancer, but never tells him , but he totally tells House and meanwhile someone is dying, and it's probably necrotising fasciitis, which every goddamn patient on that show seems to catch, so what the fuck is going on? And also, how about I know what "necrotising fasciitis" is?! I'm pretty much a sexy, genius doctor now but I can't put THAT on my business card because there are laws about pretending to be a Doctor and it's three strikes and you're out in New York, so I better just watch my step. I'll add another title...I just have to think of something cool.


37 comments:

The Panic Room said...

substitute "brain trust" for "think tank" the tank part makes you sound chubby.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I think you should go with "lasciviously honking boobs" instead. It has a better ring to it. And, yes, I am available for copy editing services.

Dana's Brain said...

Is the fail beard staying for the Think Tank? I'm not sure the two will get along that well.

Kurt said...

@Panic: Does this business card make me look fat? Maybe Brain Tank because that sounds smart AND warlike.

@Petra:Thank you for your services, but the underage girls who will be getting these might not know what that means.

@Dana's Brain: I have to have SOMETHING to stroke while I think. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I knew you would cure my "I fucking hate Monday blues"

A clean shaven doctor genius? Wow.

Prosy said...

I feel like a graphic would really pull all of this together. Maybe a dinosaur in ninja regalia.


Or a breast.

Belle said...

Three things;
1. House is English - as in the Nation not the language
2. The goatee looks quite sexy, and if you grew it a little longer, one could use it to hold onto to - when you needed to.
3. You could always be a painter...

Soda and Candy said...

Hmm... It's just that a beard without a mo looks a little... Amish.

Which is like the anti-sexiness.

Mandy's Kidding said...

1. Your mom can grow a better beard than that.
2. I think you meant "Stink Tank."
3. I have no idea why I'm hazing you this morning.

Thank you. My next show is at noon.

*Bows*

Kurt said...

@SBA: I quite a catch. Just ask my mom.

@Prosy: I was totally going to put a real tank in there shooting lasers at a dinosaur, but I like the clean elegant lines of this. It's understated, but stills says "Eff me."

@Belle: 1) I meant the blonde, weasley-looking Australian ferret Doctor. 2)I'm picking up what you're layin' down here. Hubba-hubba. 3)Can't paint which might be an issue.

@ Soda: The mo' is so pedophile that creepy guys in trenchcoats were crossing the street AWAY from the elementary school to avoid me. Also the Amish don't believe in buttons, so EASY ACCESS!!

@Mandy the Dink: I can't believe you firebombed my sexy beard. You forgot the "Boo-Ya!" part. :)

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Okay, I used to work in advertising, so I know what I'm talking about here:
1. that little red line is too weenie; surely you want something of more phallic proportions
2. add a title like "CEO," or maybe "CFO" would be more appropriate . . .

Nikki said...

I got stuck on the pouty lips and gave up reading.

I think ninjas are hot and dinosaurs are cool so the title is perfect.

sour said...

also on House, it's never Lupus.

Mona Lott said...

"sensually honking" Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Mona Lott said...

Word Slinger?

Char said...

you're bringing sexy back...those motherfuckers don't know how to act....*shakes head* sorry I thought this was JT's blog since he's all beardy too.

*weeps* now you need the knit cap with a bill, pants that hang off your ass, and a chain wallet to complete the transformation.

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: Thanks for the tips. I kinda thought the red line looked like a fuse. I should draw a bomb on there so people know. Also, why are you not blogging?

@Nikki: I'm glad you appreciate the finer things. (Ninjas and Dinosaurs)

@sour: It IS NEVER Lupus. If someone ever goes to that hospital with Lupus they are fucked six ways to Sunday.

@Mona: I wish that was mine. Steam Me Up, Kid invented that one.

@Also Mona: Like the gunslinger connotation but you can also sling hash. So I would have to draw a pistol on there. So then I would have a tank, a bomb and a pistol and that would make people think I was Spy Vs. Spy or something.

FrankandMary said...

The Rand Institute is still around. Perhaps they'd hire you. I wouldn't want to be paid to hang around & think, THEN it would be work and not fun anymore. I hate the beard.
;0~Mary

Anna Russell said...

He's a lumberjack and he's ok! (sorry, had to do it).
If someone gave me that business card, I would swoon then give them all the business they wanted. Because fitting sex, ninjas, boob honking and dinosaurs onto one card is about the awesomest thing in all of ever.

Kurt said...

@Mary: You aren't allowed to criticize the Fail Beard until you grow your own. :)

Kurt said...

@Char: Whoops! I missed you up there. I'm not morphing into Chris Cornell from '92 here. I'm just expressing my angst via facial hair.

@Anna: You can be in the Think Tank.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Dude. Design my new cards, please?

Maggie May said...

i love that card

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I appreciate the hopeful nature of your business card. One day, Kurt, ninjas will marry dinosaurs. In a perfect world, it wouldn't even be an issue.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Me: 111111!!!!11111!

Kurt's Beard: 00000000

Boo to the ya.

Good day sir. I say, good day.

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahaha. Love that caption!

Amber Dawn said...

Shielding my breastesses.....but please tell me you have a sexy English accent in real life and you can sensually honk away.

Miss Yvonne said...

I heart the fail beard, but how dare you say it's the new your mom. Pout.

P.S. I like how you used the words "sensually" and "honking" in the same sentence. It's like you're saying "I'm totally klassy with a k, but I've got a playful side too plus I like boobs". That's all anyone needs to know right there.

Vic said...

That goatee is a thing of beauty, and also it's a little like you have a glorious sea urchin chin.
You're like Poseidon with excellent business cards.

Carolyn...Online said...

Oh I hope you really print those and hand them out. Prodigiously. I'm also wondering what happened in 1987 to start your boob honking career.

Kurt said...

@BE Girl: Sure. Did you want Pirates or Zombies?

@Maggie Mae: I want to really print them up

@SMU, Kid: The best business stationary are the ones made out of wishes!

@Mandy's Kidding: I'm ignoring you.

@Dr. Zibbs: Nothing is really the new "Your Mom" that would be like replacing a Faberge Egg with a coke can filled with chew spit.

@Amber Dawn: G'day Mate. Shit. That's Australian.

@Miss Yvonne:I think it conveys my personal growth message perfectly.

Michelle said...

IS THAT YOU???

Kurt said...

@Vic: you just like it because it's one less beard in the world. Beard-hater. I like having a glorious sea urchin chin though. So you get a pass.

@Carolyn: Honked my first boob. There's a statue of it, probably.

@Michelle: No silly. That's a business card. LOL.

Brandy Rose said...

You could add something in there like "Brain Crack". Just an idea.

It's All Good said...

haha, you crack me up! Noticed yu comment on FUP, han realized your the same Kurt from Steam me up, kid.. comments, great stuff, kep it up!

Kurt said...

@Brandy: You think that would help? Okay I'll draw that in using a crayon. For whimsy.

@IAG: Wil do! Thanks for reading!

Sus said...

Just read your grocery store drama courtesy of 5 Star Fri. Thanks for the laugh to start off my day. My husband thinks the Watchmen is seriously the greatest thing in the history of the world.