Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Dream is a Wish That Your Heart Makes

I got into a fistfight with Madonna in my dreams last night. And I don't mean Jesus's Mom because that's sacrilege and I'm too handsome for that, but also because THAT Madonna has God thinking she was hot and I don't want to pick a fight with the big Guy's main girl, yo. I'd be all "What's up, Madonna?" You feelin' froggish? You wanna jump?" and then God would be all "Um. Dick?" and then he would point at his muscles because My God has a gun show going on and then he would lift his shirt and show off his six-pack abs and I would be all "Sorry, Holy Father! I didn't know she was with YOU." and then I'd put my hands up which is probably sign language for "I'm a pussy." because if I was inventing new signs I'd be "Let's make this mean 'I'm a pussy!' Ha ha ha. Stupid fucking hearing people!". Apparently on top of being unwilling to beat up a religious icon I am also a very bitter deaf person. It's this kind of deep introspection that makes me such a prize. Also, God having six pack abs is true, because God made man in his own image and look at me.

No, the Madonna I picked a fight with was the Material Girl and not the wimpy, cute one from the 80s, with the arm bangles and the big pubic bush, but the new one with the ropey muscle arms and the Kabbalah on her side and I don't know what kind of bush but if I had to guess it would be "greying". I'm not sure what I did to enrage her, although according to Vic I'm a leprechaun* in dreamland, so maybe she was after me pot o' gold or my Lucky Charms© or something. So I get her in a headlock and I'm dragging her out of the church where the epic brawl began when it occurs to me, as in the dream Me....like in the dream, how funny it is that I've got Madonna in a headlock in the middle of a church and how if this were a dream that would probably mean something. And then I woke up.

I hate when my mind fucks with me.

Because Why did it point out the symbolism? Does my subconscious hate my waking mind like a mortal enemy for banishing it to the background like Zeus and Hades in Disney's Hercules©? That's awesome. My brain is so big I totally can pick a fight with myself and the only way I know it, is by leaving hate mail in my dreams and my subconscious is totally treating me like an idiot because it feels it needs to point out the obvious symbolism on the off-chance my conscious mind is too preoccupied with wanting dinosaur bones and boobies to notice that yeah, having a struggle a woman named after the Mother of God, inside a church might...you know...indicate something.

That was actually a good call, Sub-conscious. Well-played. All I'm thinking about most of the time IS boobies.

Anyway(s) Madonna totally kicked my ass, and I woke up dry-humping my pillow and crying.**

* I don't think it's fair for us to assume that leprechauns are always causing trouble, because maybe there is a super-nice, gay leprechaun who is totally just in it for the rainbows, and when you get to the end of his rainbow and you look in the pot of gold all you find is some old comic books and maybe a sock and you're all "Well, this is a gyp."

** I made this part up because I think it adds to my mystique. You're all "Wow, that Kurt is a deep guy and sensitive too because he woke up from a dream crying. I feel like I should take off my bra and show him my boobs." And I'm all "Score!" but then I remind you that I'm not that kind of guy, but I'm secretly happy because I've seen boobies.


Anna Russell said...

To be fair, I think Madonna could probably kick anyone's ass. That bitch is vicious. Her red Kabbalah braclet is actually a Vambrace. Did you try to stop her from collecting African children? That might explain it.

That Baldy Fella said...

I like dinosaur bones and boobies.

Dana's Brain said...

I think you negate the possibility of the "sensitivity flash" by the mention of the dry humping. Because your pillow is totally throwing us the, "Don't do it, he's not that good a lay" eye signal.

Sweet Herald said...

Bahaha! The big pubic bush. Dont forget the black roots too back then (on her head not her muff).

God's a woman anyway!

Soda and Candy said...

Aww, your dreams are almost as awesome as mine.

Also, Madonna could totally snap your neck with her freaky yoga arms. I wish she'd put some pants on and stay at home once in a while.

The Jules said...

Boobies, you say?

Kurt said...

@Anna: Her arms are so ropey. It would be like battling a snake pit as far as oogey-ness goes.

@Baldy: You are are a gentleman of distinction. I would expect nothing less

@Dana's Brain: You are misreading the signal for "Sexual Tyrannosaurus" I think.

@Sweet Herald: That would explain all the smiting.

@Soda: I wish she'd put on pants and go get trapped in a well.

Kurt said...

@The Jules: I totally do.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

What the hell is Madonna doing in church?

Nikki said...

Your blog posts are soo long and in depth and *kinda wierd* that I get lost half way down and half to RE-read the damn things. hmmph

But it is soo worth it on pillow humping days!

Miss Yvonne said...

Madonna's bush is not greying...you know she totally dyes that shit or waxes it off.

sigh...I miss the old huge-pubes-80's Madonna.

Char said...

Madonna should be an extreme fighter - can you imagine play time at her house with the one million push-ups and the thousand sucide lunges. *shudder* No wonder Guy Ritchie ran away.

Kate said...

I feel like I would've had something far more interesting to say, but I'm stuck on the image of Madonna's greying bush...*shudder*

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Madonna's bush is bald and ripped and veiny. People hand Madonna's bush things they can't open on their own, like cans of tomatoes with the can opener jammed halfway in, or screw-top soft drink bottles. It yells things like, "Namaste, motherfucker!!" and talks all low and pretentious like Henry Rollins.

Oh yeah, her bush is hell on crotch, I'm telling you...

Belle said...

You were dry humping your pillow? Was that as opposed to wet humping your pillow?

Brandy Rose said...

( o )( o )

I can't believe I just flashed you. Its your mystique.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh, y'all need to see this beer commercial.


Soda and Candy said...

(Because of SMU, Kid's comment)

Prosy said...

I saw a picture of Madonna recently and she had facial hair. Like a little peach fuzz beard. So I know she could totally take you and your depression beard.

Captain Dumbass said...

Madonna would pimp slap the Madonna. Don't mess with that shit.

That bush. It ruined my adolescence.

Wow! Totally had a flash back of the first time I saw that Playboy. Get the fuck outta my head, Kurt.

sour said...

at the moment, i'm watching a show about a girl who really really wants to look like ashley simpson (but omg don't you dare call her avril lavigne or she'll totally get offended and take one of the cameras aside and say things like "i can NOT believe he just compared ashley simpson to avril lavigne" and it will be really dramatic) and i am trying so hard to fall asleep and kick her ass in a church but i can't. it's so car-wreck-awful.
so can you give me any falling-asleep-ass-kicking tips?

Vic said...

Were you really in a church? Because, as Steamy will tell you, your leprechauny self was totally in a church, dissing me, just the night before. And since when do leprechauns go to church anyway?
This whole thing is starting to freak me out.
(But thank you for apologizing. I was going to make fun of your pointy ears, but now I won't)

Kurt said...

@Mary: Well that one lives there...

@Nikki: Well at least we'll always have pillow-humping.

@Miss Yvonne: Huge Pubes Madonna was still a little freaky. Like strangle sex or Your Mom. (Zing!)

@Char: She's ripped. And I think her penis is bigger than mine.

@Kate: I'm pretty much the best giver of gifts ever.

@SMU, Kid: This comment should be bronzed and put in a trophy case and every year some brilliant under-privileged blogger should be awarded it.

@Belle: Hey Man. I gotta sleep there.

@Brandy: The mystique is pretty much irresistible.No one blames you.

@Soda: Bwa-Ha-ha-ha. Awesome

@Prosy: If she were a woman I'd feel so emasculated right now.

@Cap'n D: Yeah that issue pretty much wrecked my life because prior to that I didn't know a vagina could look angry.

@Sour:Do 100 jumping jacks, masturbate furiously, and then count backwards from 100. It won't help you sleep, but it's funny to think about you doing it.

@Vic: After Steamy told me we were in church together and no one was holding a gasoline can or a bag of excrement I KNEW it was a dream.