Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dan Zanes Must Die (but not really...for legal reasons)

So I was chatting with a friend of mine and it was super-early in the morning, like 8am because I'm pretty sure that's when the day starts ,and I was going over blog ideas for this week and then they said something really funny that I can't remember, and then I said something hysterical that I can't remember and then I said "Blog idea!!" and I wrote it down on my list because I am a professional and the thing that makes me a professional is I have lists of things and that also means that I am productive, even though to the layman (snicker) it might look like I was just eating a bowl of dry Sugar Pops and watching a re-run of Miami Vice©, I was actually working on this blog at that very second and then Tubbs said something snarky about Crockett's shoes or something, and I forgot what I was doing because I was all "Oh Tubbs! You scamp!".  So now all I have left for the blog idea is what I wrote down and what I wrote down was this:

"Eff You, Dan Zanes."

So apparently I am at war with Dan Zanes and I didn't even know we were fighting. I also don't know who Dan Zanes is, or what he did to make me so furious, but words don't lie unless I write them to my landlord and they say "Heh. Sorry about all the garbage I have been throwing on the porch. You might think it's because I'm lazy and it's too cold to walk to the dumpster, but it's not that at all. I was mauled by a bear. Also, the rent will be a little late unless you want to take my empties back for me." So Dan Zanes and I are totally at war, and I don't know what that dirty Effer* did, but he is in for some serious vengeance**. 

And then I looked him up and he's a children's song singer and has wacky grey hair and he sings the same words over and over and over, and I thought for a minute that my need to exact furious justice*** on him was not a true vendetta because he seems kinda sweet and harmless, so I looked back down at my list of nemeses and saw that his name wasn't on there,  so what the Eff is going on around here, brain? Why are you making Dan Zanes my enemy? And then I thought maybe my friend had something against him and maybe I had written it down because I was supposed to take him out hitman style, and then I thought about "The Professional" for a while because that movie was awesome and Natalie Portman was a hot 12 year old in it, and I don't endorse sex with minors because there are laws against that, especially in this tight-ass state.  And then I wondered if Dan Zanes was a pedophile and that's why my friend wants him dead, and then I realized all the clues fit. Kid's Songs. Friend or Me wants him Dead. The Professional. MotherEffer!! Dan Zanes, you are a evil child effer and you're about to enter a world of pain.. And by "world of pain" I mean I'm going to make super- snarky remarks about you while I watch your videos because threatening people leads to getting arrested and you don't need to tell me more than twice, your honor.

I'm pretty much the Sherlock Holmes of pedophilia.****


*I'm afraid to say "fuck" because it's Sunday and that is God's day, and I don't know if that means only he is allowed to swear today, but I'm not taking any chances because what if I pissed him off and he came to yell at me and he was all "WHAT THE FUCK!!". Dude...I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark...I would be totally melted because he is a kind and loving God who you don't want to piss off, so sayeth the Lord.

**"Vengeance" is the only word in the english language that is impossible to spell without looking it up. It's a scientific fact . Getting it right on the first try is  like tricking"Mr. Mxyzptlk", into saying his name backwards.

***"Furious" is the only type of justice recognized in all 50 states and in the 14 provinces***** or whatever they are called in Canada and I don't know about the territories that are run by Snow Bears because I went to stupid Dictionary College instead of studying Maritime Tundra Mammal Law like Dad wanted me to. Sorry Dad.

**** This whole blog was pretty much just to get to this punchline.

***** There are probably not 14 provinces in Canada, but no one knows the actual number, so I had to guess.

PS: If you are now singing "Around the kitchen, Cocka-doodle-doodle-doo!!" It totally is not my fault. You are another victim of that dirty effer, Dan Zanes.


Anna Russell said...

I totally effing agree with you, that Dan Zanes seems like an effing cuffen.

Also, Canada was created by me to give Trodo somewhere to live and photoshop without fear of anti-monkey overlord persecution. It has no provinces on account of it not being a real country.

Kurt said...

@Anna: Thanks for clarifying, I knew there was a reason I giggle every time I write "Canada".

OTHER than the crystal meth buzz, I mean.

Char said...

uhhh....some where over the rainbow, blue birds fly. something something something, why can't I?

this is as good as watching Mary Carey trying to be sober.

Kurt said...

@Char: I didn't know she ever tried that.

Vic said...

I hate Dan Zanes because of the extra 'doodle'. One doodle,fine, it's tradition, but TWO doodles is just showing off, and even if he is compensating for his hair, I don't approve.

Also, I thought I made Canada up.

Frank said...

I knew it, the end of the world came and everyone in church was taken to Glory and I am left here listening to some effer sing cock-a-doodle-doodle-do.

I expected it to be hotter than this.

Kurt said...

@Vic: You're right. Two doodles is like talking after sex, completely unnecessary. Maybe Canada is a mass hallucination.

Kurt said...

@Frank: I'm sorry you had find out this way, Frank. Find solace in the fact that all your internet friends weren't raptured away either.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'd like to see Dan Zanes sing about the real issues facing kids today, like ejaculate aim and how to foil child rape attempts. Mr. Zanes needs a reality check.

You are the everything of pedophile, forever and ever. That's my hallmark card to you today.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I'd like to see Dan Zanes get racked in the baby makers. Like I'll pay to watch that.

You are so kind. You're like the Tom Hanks of Pedophilia.

Char said...

Kurt said...

Aww! Char! Thank you!!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I am oddly turned on right now by that Dan Zane video, but it could be because he kept saying cock over and over again.

Is cock okay to say on Sundays?

Kurt said...

@SBA: That's between you and Jahoova or whatever he likes being called. I think so, because in the Bible it's all "And the cock crowed three times." and I was all "Damn. That guy has some stamina!"'s what's for dinner.

Maggie May said...'s what's for dinner.

Lori said...

Canada is not pretend and yes, I will finally come clean and tell you all Canadian families are given snow bears at birth to love and protect the whole clan(and the national igloo, Mike Huckabee), and if you make fun of Canada again, I will will remind you they can swim, very fast in fact, and a lake isn't much to swim, especially if your snow bear has magic white boots like mine does,just like the ones that HR Puffinstuff has.
Time for my socialised, government supplied meth now.

Miss Yvonne said...

I said "fuck you" in a cemetery yesterday (Sunday) and as soon as it came out of my mouth I cringed because I knew the lightning bolt was on it's way but it didn't hit me so I think you are probably right about God saying fuck on Sunday. He* probably heard me and was all about getting the lightning bolt ready and then at the last second He* stopped and sat back and said "Aww fuck it, it's Sunday."

Notice how I capitalized He when I mentioned God saying fuck...because I'm a good Christian girl and I was raised the fuck right.