"Eff You, Dan Zanes."
So apparently I am at war with Dan Zanes and I didn't even know we were fighting. I also don't know who Dan Zanes is, or what he did to make me so furious, but words don't lie unless I write them to my landlord and they say "Heh. Sorry about all the garbage I have been throwing on the porch. You might think it's because I'm lazy and it's too cold to walk to the dumpster, but it's not that at all. I was mauled by a bear. Also, the rent will be a little late unless you want to take my empties back for me." So Dan Zanes and I are totally at war, and I don't know what that dirty Effer* did, but he is in for some serious vengeance**.
And then I looked him up and he's a children's song singer and has wacky grey hair and he sings the same words over and over and over, and I thought for a minute that my need to exact furious justice*** on him was not a true vendetta because he seems kinda sweet and harmless, so I looked back down at my list of nemeses and saw that his name wasn't on there, so what the Eff is going on around here, brain? Why are you making Dan Zanes my enemy? And then I thought maybe my friend had something against him and maybe I had written it down because I was supposed to take him out hitman style, and then I thought about "The Professional" for a while because that movie was awesome and Natalie Portman was a hot 12 year old in it, and I don't endorse sex with minors because there are laws against that, especially in this tight-ass state. And then I wondered if Dan Zanes was a pedophile and that's why my friend wants him dead, and then I realized all the clues fit. Kid's Songs. Friend or Me wants him Dead. The Professional. MotherEffer!! Dan Zanes, you are a evil child effer and you're about to enter a world of pain.. And by "world of pain" I mean I'm going to make super- snarky remarks about you while I watch your videos because threatening people leads to getting arrested and you don't need to tell me more than twice, your honor.
I'm pretty much the Sherlock Holmes of pedophilia.****
*I'm afraid to say "fuck" because it's Sunday and that is God's day, and I don't know if that means only he is allowed to swear today, but I'm not taking any chances because what if I pissed him off and he came to yell at me and he was all "WHAT THE FUCK!!". Dude...I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark...I would be totally melted because he is a kind and loving God who you don't want to piss off, so sayeth the Lord.
**"Vengeance" is the only word in the english language that is impossible to spell without looking it up. It's a scientific fact . Getting it right on the first try is like tricking"Mr. Mxyzptlk", into saying his name backwards.
***"Furious" is the only type of justice recognized in all 50 states and in the 14 provinces***** or whatever they are called in Canada and I don't know about the territories that are run by Snow Bears because I went to stupid Dictionary College instead of studying Maritime Tundra Mammal Law like Dad wanted me to. Sorry Dad.
**** This whole blog was pretty much just to get to this punchline.
***** There are probably not 14 provinces in Canada, but no one knows the actual number, so I had to guess.
PS: If you are now singing "Around the kitchen, Cocka-doodle-doodle-doo!!" It totally is not my fault. You are another victim of that dirty effer, Dan Zanes.