Thursday, March 12, 2009

Damp Ham. That's Gross. (Now with 100% More Dinosaur!)

"Why does my arm say "Damp Ham", Mr. Upside-down Dinosaur?"

I was going to write this blog about "Damp Ham" because that's such a gross combination of words and everything about it seems wrong and I'm not even positive who I was talking to when it came up, but whatever the case, I wrote it down on my list of blog ideas and right there above "Difficult Captchas©" and "Advanced Pajamas" it says "Damp Ham" and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm playing a trick on myself, and writing down nonsensical phrases because I know how bad my memory is and it would be like all the characters who effed with Guy Pierce in Memento©, only all the characters are me and the only one I'm screwing with is also me. That's a pretty dumb game when you think about. 

So what the hell is there to say about "Damp Ham" other than it's really gross? I don't know. I like my ham dry, and that's the only way I eat it on the rare occasions that I do, and OH MY GOD, IS THIS AS BORING AS IT FEELS LIKE IT IS??? I'm really sorry. I totally just lost interest in what I was saying AS I TYPED IT.  That's probably not a good sign. It's like when the car pulls up to the farmhouse in Saving Private Ryan© and the Mom already knows that one of her sons is dead, but look out! Because four of the silly bastards are dead. Only in this case I'm the Mom, and "Damp Ham" is the goverment men and "good ideas" are my dead sons, so I guess that makes you the farmhouse or something. Maybe I need Hattori's help on this one.

Me: Okay. Help me out.
Hattori Hanzo: I 'm not speaking to you.
Me: What? Why?
Hattori Hanzo: Because. I told you the "Damp Ham" thing wasn't funny.
Me: I thought it was, but then once you say "That's gross.", you're kinda done.
Hattori Hanzo: I know.
Me: It's just "Damp ham. That's gross."
Hattori Hanzo: I know.
Me: Like... that's the whole blog.
Hattori Hanzo: I know.
Me: Oh, don't be an asspipe. Give me another idea.
Hattori Hanzo: Check your list, smartypants...maybe there's something there.
Me: Oh My God. You're jealous of my LIST?
Hattori Hanzo: No.
Me: You are! You want to come up with all the blog ideas!
Hattori Hanzo: No I don't. I don't care.
Me: I'm sorry, Hattori Hanzo. I'll listen better from now on.
Hattori Hanzo: Promise?
Me: I promise.
Hattori Hanzo: Okay. Write about how you listened to "Jai-ho!" on the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack and for one second you felt like you were super-connected and broad-minded and internationally-flavored because you had listened to one song from another country for like two and a half minutes and never mind that the song is probably the Indian equivalent to Britney Spears, you still listened and aren't you impressive.
Me: I never said I was IMPRESSIVE.
Hattori Hanzo: No. But you thought it.
ME; Well... it is kind of impressive how I can dig on world-beat music.
Hattori Hanzo: No it isn't. That's the point of the blog.
Me: But they weren't even singing in English or anything. They were all "Jai-Ho!" (*begins to do a horrible rendition of a Bollywood dance number*)
Hattori Hanzo: What the eff is that? Epilepsy?
Me: Jai-Ho!
Hattori Hanzo: Are you going to write this crap or not?
Me: Jai-Ho! (* trips over nightstand, crashes into wall*)
Hattori Hanzo: I'm going back to not speaking to you now.

25 comments:

Anna Russell said...

This is just yet one more good reason I'm a vegetarian. Also, Memento as an effen great movie.
Also part 2, if Hattori Hanzo isn't speaking to you, can I borrow him for some blog ideas?

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I should have put a dinosaur in that picture. BRB with real comment.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Can I have some of what you're smokin? Please?

Nikki said...

Memento is the only movie I can watch over and over and over again and still not know completely what the hell is going on.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I wonder if, at any point during the past two days, we were singing Jai Ho at the exact same moment.

I love when you fall down. Do it again!!

I can't believe you didn't say anything about floppy labia in this post. It's like you're like a stranger to me...

Nikki said...

Adding the dinosaur makes this post soo much better. Almost the greatest post of all time. I would give you an award but I don't know how to make them as has been established.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell (for real this time): You can totally borrow Hattori, so long as he comes back in one piece and you promise not to ever, ever feed him after midnight.

@SBA: You would need a time machine, but if you get one of those let me know. I have some people I want to erase.

@Nikki: It's like a magical treasure.

@SMU, Kid: I added the "Of Pedophilia" tag so you wouldn't object too strenuously to the lack of labia.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I read this blog to Yakety Sax.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: That's okay. I win awards in my mind pretty much every day anyway(s).

@Mandy: You complete me.

TishTash said...

You said so much and yet so little at the same time. That was magical.

Kurt said...

@TishTash: I'm like a traffic jam ...IN YOUR MIND!!

Anna Russell said...

Yay for the dinosaur! Me and Hottori are having a little chat about my next post.

That Baldy Fella said...

Damp ham is gross.

Dammit, that's all there is to say as a comment, too. Maybe I'll check with my inner Lex luthor for advice.

LL: Kill Superman.
Me: You know, you've got a bit of a one-track thing going on there, Lex. I was talking about damp ham.
LL: Damp ham laced with kryptonite that will kill Superman?
Me: *sigh* I need a less megalomaniacal inner muse.

Vic said...

"night stand"!! That's what they're called! The other day I was trying to leave you a comment involving a night stand, only it came out "end table", and then "bed stand", and then I forgot what I was even going to say and I gave up.

I'd still rather eat damp ham than glistening tripe.

Brandy Rose said...

Kurt: OH yeah, you passing Hottori around. I'll take some of dat!

Hottori: I apologize for making that sound like you were a dirty whore....

sour said...

for some reason i thought that said that you tripped over your one-night stand
i was like "hope y'all got it on before this happened because that's it for you"

Kurt said...

@Anna: Dinosaurs pretty much make everything better.

@Baldy: Did you see the video of Lex asking Obama for bailout money? It's on Funnyordie.com I think. Awesome

@Vic: Your brain and mine should get together for coffee and then they'll both get lost and forget what they ordered and someone will have to come pick them up. Again.

@Brandy Rose: It's okay. He knows he's a whore from all the pimp slaps I give him.

@sour: I don't usually perform my signature Bollywood dance routine until at least the second date because I'm not easy.

Miss Yvonne said...

Wow, you seem totally international and worldy to me now that I know about your love of Bollywood dancing.

Char said...

isn't ham by definition kinda damp anyway?

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Gotta love great friends who are willing to point out to us what losers we are but still be our friends.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: Jai-Ho! (* piroettes into bedframe*)

@Char: Not "Ham Off The Bone" which is totally code, I think.

@BE Girl: You just have to pretend to love them for their honesty and then talk shit about them when they're not paying attention.

Just.Kate said...

When I lose interest in what I'm saying, I'll save it. Then when I stumble across it 6 months later I marvel at my brilliance.

Then I watch Dr. Who.

I found your uninteresting blog eff yew enn.

heart.

Prosy said...

Sometimes I listen to French rap with my windows down and I feel really cool and international.

And by French rap I mean that one song they play on the Sex and the City finale.

I think half of it is in English. But with a French accent!

Bridgeburners said...

I'm going home tomorrow to visit my family for the weekend. First thing I do when I see my brother is call him an asspipe. Thanks.

Captain Dumbass said...

Frakin' Firefox. That last one was me.