Thursday, March 19, 2009

Civics is Not Just A Car, Turns Out

If you want to hum "America The Beautiful" while you read this,
 then you are an American Hero like me


My big question yesterday was all about flags being at half-mast and that is because it is a subject that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately as I am unburdened with the problems of ordinary people, like paying rent, being that I am above all that mundane crap and also because I am a good hider and the landlord can never catch me. I'm pretty much the Roadrunner© of not paying my bills. They're all "Please. We need to discuss how you are going to catch up on what you owe." and I'm all " HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! Beep-Beep!" and then I waggle my tongue and run away. And then they get hit with a pie.

Actually, that only happens in my head. But it is sooo funny! And they totally deserve it for giving me a place to live rent-free. 

So flags at half-mast are tricky, because they send you a message, and that message says you haven't been watching the news and you are not a productive member of society because you don't even know if it's the Pope©, or Barack Obama©, or Keanu Reeves© who are dead and if you are going to be that far out of touch with the rest of the human race why not just climb back into that bottle of Jameson's you stole from your Dad whilst he was in the hospital for chest pains, you worthless piece of shit. And then you say "Don't mind if I do!" but then you feel bad and you express these bad feelings by saying "Eff You, Flag!" and then your Hillbilly neighbor sees you grabbing your junk and gesticulating wildly in the front yard at the flag, wearing just your boxers and a pair of your daughter's grippy, pink, slipper-socks, and then he decides you are a communist and then it doesn't matter how dumb he is because his knuckles taste like a dirty ashtray as they cave in your teeth. 

One flag at half mast is okay. Then I'm all "Okay. Either someone died or someone is just sad" because if I was in charge of a flag* and I was having a sad day, I would totally put the flag at half-mast for my feelings, and then when people came in they would treat me with the somber respect I so richly deserve. And they wouldn't ask who died, because its disrespectful to not just know and super-disrespectful to ask. So they would just look at me with empathy and I would offer the strongest smile I could muster, given the depths of my bereavement, and then, after they left I would totally feel better because I had played a trick on them. And after a couple of those... POOF! No more bad day!

Two flags at half-mast means someone really has died and I fucked up. Three means it was someone important and I better just drive home and find out because maybe it was my Dad or something. And if it's the Post Office or Perkins© Cake and Steak who has the biggest flags in the world, then I know it might even be ME and maybe I'm a ghost and I feel terrible for putting everyone through another national tragedy so I stick my head out the car window and yell 'Never forget 9/11!"but I'm not watching the road because I've already started the mourning process for myself and the Five stages of grief are: 
 
1) Yelling "Never forget 9/11!" 
3) Praying for pandas to start fucking in zoos, because they are adorable and if the world can't have me they should at least have pandas.
4) Hating Snow Bears
5) Thinking about porn

And then I have a fender-bender with the guy in front of me because I get to the porn part and I get all woogly for a bit, and then it turns out I'm not dead but my insurance just went up again...  if I even still have insurance because that was another bill I Roadrunnered on, and it's totally not even my fault because if I have to choose between watching where I'm going and giving an elegant lady a sensual boob-honk with my mind...you had better make sure your goddamn seatbelt is buckled. 

EFF YOU, Flag!


* I don't know how you get put in charge of a flag but I think it is only by Presidential nomination or something, because I tried to take a civil service test in Flag Control, but they were all "Sir, this is the DMV and that isn't a real test, and if you're going to be in here, you'll have to put on some pants." And then I screamed "Diplomatic Immunity!" but that doesn't work at the stupid DMV either.

25 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

Up here in Canada when our flags go half mast everyone gets a prize. It's probably the coolest day ever when someone important dies.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: That is the coolest day ever. Must be awesome up there during Snow Bear migration season when ever other day somebody's getting eaten. It's like Carnival only bloodier.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Each month a community rounds up those they dislike and all our criminals and we lock them in this giant ice structures and that's when we heard the Snowbears into it with our dog sled teams so the slaughter can ensue. There is nothing random about Snowbear attacks.

MichelleJ said...

There is a flag hanging in the big grassy area in the apartment building i live in, but i never even look at it or give it the time of day. Unless I am checking how windy it is outside, then i give a look to see how hard of soft the flag is blowing in the wind. I think the last time i looked at the flag was 2 years ago during a very windy day!!!

Simplicity said...

Well. You'd think I would have learned by now...

I took a drink of coffee as I clicked on your blog and it took me 5 minutes to swallow it because I was trying so hard NOT to spit it out from laughing. And yet I kept reading...

I hope it's not you who died...that would be a shame!

Anonymous said...

From now on I'm using Your 5 stages. They just make sense, by Kip!

I was in charge of the flags once... It's just as glamorous as you imagine. ~IC

Kurt said...

@Trodo: Thank you for clarifying your Eskimo Law for us.

@Michelle: That sounds like it was VERY windy!!

@Simplicity:It was not me who died because I have the constitution of a grizzly bear and the charisma of a living work of art.

@Anonymous: I seem to be perpetually stuck in the fifth stage, so much so, that I don't even remember what I am grieving.

Carolyn...Online said...

I kind of want to go to my basement and sew you up your own little freak flag that you can fly at any height you want.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You know what gave your true character away in this post?

"Whilst"

I always knew you were a gentleman.

Kurt said...

@Carolyn: I would fly it so high it would give angels orgasms.

@SMU, Kid: You forgot to add "fancy" in front of that.

Frank said...

Instead of cake and steak, we called Perkins the scarf and barf. (I ran with a fast crowd.) I am installing a flag pole immediately! Is there a special ceremony I need to before I can hang a flag at half mast, maybe, hang the boxers at half mast??? Is it ok if they’re Sponge Bob boxers???

Kurt said...

@Frank: I would prefer something less classy but if that's all you have...

TMC said...

WAIT! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO KEANU??! Nooooooo!!!

Kat said...

I used to live on a military base and when the flag was at half mast on base I would ask my husband who died and he would just shrug. They need to make the rules more clear.

Miss Yvonne said...

My husband has been in the 5th stage of grief for a really long time.

Kurt said...

@TMC: No. I'm sure there will be plenty of poorly acted pieces for robot-boy to star in coming soon.

@Kat:Exactly. Like who decides who is flag-worthy? If I die every flag in the universe better be at half-mast or I'm haunting every one of you mothereffers.

@Miss Yvonne: It really is the hardest one to get past. I feel for him.

sour said...

next time i drive past a flag at half-mass, i'm going to shout "never forget 9/11"
but i don't think anyone will hear because they'll all be at the snow-bear tribunal.
*sigh*
being Canadian is hard work

Kurt said...

@sour: Just keep fighting the good fight!

Lump said...

I know this is totally off the subject but you mentioned the Pope and I was all like did you hear about how the Pope was in Africa reaffirming the ban on condoms...hmm.

Lump said...

and holy shit, i want a burrito.

Kurt said...

@Lump: That new Pope is crazy. I want the old one back. And you should go have a delicious burrito because that is the solution to most things.

Char said...

what about guns...do they fire guns with three flags? because believe you me....(southernism there) if your meds are messed up and they fire guns..it will freak you out.

Rachel said...

To be honest, I do not think I have taken active notice of a flag since grammar school. Perhaps I do not patronize enough sporting events or something. Thank God I live among a bunch of hippies who hate America :)

FrankandMary said...

There was some guy by Dunkin Donuts with a T shirt emblazoned with ak 47s screaming 9 1 1 People 9 1 1
and at first I thought there had been an accident. ~Mary

Kurt said...

@Char: No guns. We have laws up here. :)

@Rachel: I still live far enough away from NYC to still see flags and pickup trucks and all that wonderful stuff.

@FrankandMary: I would have wondered what the nine-hundred and eleven people had done and if they were being held captive or something. I would have gotten it like 20 minutes later.