Friday, March 13, 2009

Charitable Works

The other day I was talking to someone about shooting guns or dinosaurs or Vikings versus Ninjas and who would win, which is ridiculous because we all know that while Vikings are the undisputed masters of pillaging and misnaming land masses, a ninja's cool, silent and deadly demeanor gives him (or her...yay ERA!) the upperhand. Also Vikings aren't stealthy. Like you couldn't hide a Viking horde anywhere, but I'm pretty sure there are up to six ninjas in this room with me right now. But I digress, which is weird because I'm not sure what that means and I don't remember gressing in the first place, but whatever....this shit is free so it's not like you can be fussy. 

I was talking to this anonymous friend of mine, who you might think is anonymous because I made them up or because I'm kind about not exposing people who have been nice enough to talk to me, but really it's because I can't remember who it was . They made it known to me that they were feeling blue, and don't even ask how that ties into Ninjas or Vikings because I wasn't really paying attention. Maybe I was on the phone with Greenland. It's hard to say. Either way they were sad, so being a kind and generous genius I decided to dispense some of my world- famous advice on them. And what I said was this:

"Try not to let it get you down."

I know, right? I'm pretty sure I just came up with that myself like, on the fly... in the middle of my conversation. "Try not to let it get you down" is the same as when a man is swimming in a lake and suddenly he gets a charlie-horse or his foot is entangled in seaweed and he calls out for help and you rush to the end of the dock and you look around in a frenzy,  but you can't reach him, so instead you throw a brick at his head. It's like helping someone on THAT level. I should have said "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" and then sang the song a little and tried to make all those weird popping noises with my mouth, because at least that would have had a chance of helping them, because nothing cures sadness like blinding red fury. 

I should probably become a psychiatrist. That seems like it's my calling. And also a big part of my day could be spent lying on a couch which would be a double bonus and when my patient got all "Aren't I supposed to be lying on the couch?" I would smack them in the shins with my cane* and then waggle it at the framed degree on the wall and be like "Did YOU go to school for this? I don't think so, Nutty." and then they would see my degree was really the certificate of completion I was mailed from Campbell's for eating 100 cans of Chicken and Stars© soup, and then I would have to run away. I hate being a psychiatrist. It requires too much exercise. Maybe I'll go back to being a fireman. Because I'm pretty sure all you have to do to be a volunteer fireman is show up and be crazy-into fires. Which I am. I would always be the first one at a fire, and if you say that's because I set it,  I say what are you some kind of super-sleuth?

I don't even know what this blog is about. Oh right...people helping people. You're welcome.



* I would have a cane because any time I take a fancy job like "psychiatrist" I wear my monocle and tophat and carry a cane, and when my patients ask if I think I'm the Monopoly man or something, I just shake my head knowingly and say "tsk,tsk" and then I write "Advanced Pussy Whore" in my little notebook and then they think they're out of line, and apologize and I get to read something funny and off-topic. Win/Win.



19 comments:

Prosy said...

I think it might make me feel better when I'm down if you sang 'Don't Worry, Be Happy to Me.' If you let me throw a brick at your head too.

Miss Yvonne said...

I was waiting for a dinosaur to show up in this post...I'm a little disappointed.

P.S. There are actually 8 ninjas in the room with you right now. I know this because I'm one of them and FYI, the no-pants thing was a really good idea.

Miss Yvonne said...

Okay, I feel like the comment I just left sounds a little stalkery. Just to clarify, I'm totally not stalking you. I'm a ninja, it's in the job description to follow you around without you knowing it. If you knew I was, I would totally suck at my job.

P.S. You forgot to floss your bottom teeth.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: I would let you throw a brick at me because I have catlike reflexes and then I would hit the recharge station and you would be up to your eyeballs in underwater laser missiles before you could say "Turtle rape shoe"

@Miss Yvonne: I like stalkers they make me feel wanted in a way other than like the way, say... an officer of the court or a process server would want me.

Char said...

I'll just become a MSW - it's cheaper, less school and I can still muck up people's lives. win/win

Kurt said...

@Char: I had to look that up because at first I thought you meant the bad stuff in Chinese Food, and I thought that was a weird goal.

Belle said...

Two things Kurt;

1. I totally think you made this person up.
2. I REALLY and TRULY got stuck in seaweed once.

Anna Russell said...

Is Advanced Pussy Whore a medical condition? I think I've got it.

Kurt said...

@Belle: Maybe YOUR made up, my internet friend. I'm sorry about the seaweed, that stuff is terrifying.

@Anna Russell: It's more of a glorious award and you may have won it, because I gave up my seat on the selection committee years ago, but you can have my vote in absentia if you want it.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

As a shrienk, I think you will pass with a Campbell's degree easy.

You will be the popular therapist in the office and we will all plot agaisnt you to steal your clients cause the rest of us in our regular clothes with our regular diplomas are all sitting in the break room where it smells like burnt popcorn, wondering why we cant get any Advanced Pussy Whores in our office, since we all know what that couch is really used for dont we?

That is unless you go all Dr Siever on us and have an office in your home. But then you have to look out for Mike and Carol and Ben and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Thats a tough one.

Kurt said...

@SBA: I would never let Kirk Cameron in my house, he stinks of fundamentalism.

Maggie May said...

people...people who have people...are the luckiest PEOOOOPLLEEEEE

Kurt said...

@Maggie Mae: I was totally thinking of that song when I wrote that last bit. And I don't know any of the words except for that part you just sang so beautifully.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When the kids clomp around with heavy feet in the hallways at school, I tell them, "Quiet feet, like ninjas and ballerinas, kids!" I usually choose ninja. They choose to roll their eyes.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I just read a report that verified that all kids are assholes when it comes to walking quietly, and if you don't believe me then what do I care? It's not like you have a fact-checker working for you.

Frank said...

I think the “anonymous” you quote is really Hattori, but you are just mad at him for getting busy with Anna Russell last night so to get back at him you are denying him his usual credit. At least that’s what he told me. It’s all very psy cay atric. * (Cay – pronounced like cayenne.)

Kurt said...

@Frank: You realize you are saying that sleeping with Anna depressed him, right? Let me tell you...he won't shut up about it. He keeps walking past me, humming and then he does this little ass waggle and says "Badonkadonk!" I don't know what it means but I pretty much hate him today.

Just.Kate said...

"...because nothing cures sadness like blinding red fury."

Is it okay if I form a commune in the desert and name it after you? I promise the before-and-after Blog Reading ceremonies will kick ass.

Think about it.

Kurt said...

@Just Kate: I totally thought about and I'm in. I'll make some Kool Aid. That was pretty much the most obvious joke ever. My apologies.