I was talking to this anonymous friend of mine, who you might think is anonymous because I made them up or because I'm kind about not exposing people who have been nice enough to talk to me, but really it's because I can't remember who it was . They made it known to me that they were feeling blue, and don't even ask how that ties into Ninjas or Vikings because I wasn't really paying attention. Maybe I was on the phone with Greenland. It's hard to say. Either way they were sad, so being a kind and generous genius I decided to dispense some of my world- famous advice on them. And what I said was this:
"Try not to let it get you down."
I know, right? I'm pretty sure I just came up with that myself like, on the fly... in the middle of my conversation. "Try not to let it get you down" is the same as when a man is swimming in a lake and suddenly he gets a charlie-horse or his foot is entangled in seaweed and he calls out for help and you rush to the end of the dock and you look around in a frenzy, but you can't reach him, so instead you throw a brick at his head. It's like helping someone on THAT level. I should have said "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" and then sang the song a little and tried to make all those weird popping noises with my mouth, because at least that would have had a chance of helping them, because nothing cures sadness like blinding red fury.
I should probably become a psychiatrist. That seems like it's my calling. And also a big part of my day could be spent lying on a couch which would be a double bonus and when my patient got all "Aren't I supposed to be lying on the couch?" I would smack them in the shins with my cane* and then waggle it at the framed degree on the wall and be like "Did YOU go to school for this? I don't think so, Nutty." and then they would see my degree was really the certificate of completion I was mailed from Campbell's for eating 100 cans of Chicken and Stars© soup, and then I would have to run away. I hate being a psychiatrist. It requires too much exercise. Maybe I'll go back to being a fireman. Because I'm pretty sure all you have to do to be a volunteer fireman is show up and be crazy-into fires. Which I am. I would always be the first one at a fire, and if you say that's because I set it, I say what are you some kind of super-sleuth?
I don't even know what this blog is about. Oh right...people helping people. You're welcome.
* I would have a cane because any time I take a fancy job like "psychiatrist" I wear my monocle and tophat and carry a cane, and when my patients ask if I think I'm the Monopoly man or something, I just shake my head knowingly and say "tsk,tsk" and then I write "Advanced Pussy Whore" in my little notebook and then they think they're out of line, and apologize and I get to read something funny and off-topic. Win/Win.