Thursday, March 19, 2009

An Adventure in High Finance

I'm pulling up to the drive-thru because I need a damn coffee and I've got my change ready but instead of $2.37, I have $2.52 and I'm just praying tonight will be the night. I look at my opponent framed in the harsh fluorescent light that spills out of the store. He doesn't look clever. Not at all. This could be it... the perfect storm of 'tard. The little glass doors fly open and his hand comes out and he says "$2.37". I hand him the change, a smile playing on my lips. In my mind I'm thinking "Please. Please.Please." He looks down at what I've given him for a moment and I can see the words forming on his lips. Oh please God, I've waited so long for this....

"Uh. It's $2.37?"

YES!!!

"I know.", I say speaking in a friendly yet smug conversational tone, " I just don't want any more pennies.  See...This way I just get the dime and the nickel back." I offer him a condescending smirk, just to drive my point home.

I have waited my whole life to explain that to a cashier. For one moment I am not an unemployed writer of stupid blogs but a wizard of finance bending the very fabric of the economy with my grasp of how change works. That's right fuckers! I am so smart I don't even get back pennies! I should have been working on Wall Street like THIS WHOLE TIME!! He's still standing there looking dumb and humbled by this obvious bit of schooling I have just housed him with. And when he speaks his voice wavers a little. Surely he sees the heated glow of victory in my eyes. The strong set of accomplishment in my jaw. I can't wait to hear what he has to add to this transaction. HAHAHAHHAHAAHA!!

"Um. I understand that Sir...but this is a Loony. We don't take Canadian money."

Fuck.

16 comments:

Michelle said...

Dude I cannot keep up with your incessant blogging day in and day out!!!

Your knowledge of finances and getting rid of those pesky pennies is uncanny and I would like to bow down to you now!!!

Ok, DONE!!!

Kurt said...

@Michelle: I'm blabby today. Apologies.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Pets says the darndest things.

Re: "tonight will be the night". I totally thought this story was going in a different direction. I guess I can put my pants back on now.

Kurt said...

@SMU,Kid: Like you have had pants anywhere near you today... Pfftt.

Star Kicker said...

Why are you giving away loonies? Don't you realize how valuable Canadian currency is right now? Wizard of high finance, pshaw!

Simplicity said...

LMAO!! OMG classic! I love confusing people by handing over odd monetary combinations. Loonies and twonies and pennies...oh my!

Kurt said...

@StarKicker: It WAS an accident. Besides what am I going to buy with it? I'm pretty sure they're only good in exchange for wampum or igloos or something.

@Simplicity: I like twonies because of the bear. He's all "RAR! I'm so Money! Fuck You!". We don't have any cool money like that.

Chelle said...

Yeah well. I learned the hard way that those assholes at Tim Hortons don't take Eiffel Tower souvenir tokens.

And I still haven't rolled up a free coffee yet, either. I met an old woman today who won a LAPTOP AND a coffee with this roll up the rim business.

You'll be pleased to know that I kicked her in the throat.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: I totally forgot to roll up the rim and I'm doing it REAL TIME!! and I lost. Assholes. I'm glad you kicked that old woman.

Chelle said...

That was pretty riveting. The roll up the rim thing. Good thing you lost, I was getting my kicking leg ready.

Frank said...

That is geographic prejudice!!! You should complain to the manager and tell them you will settle out of court for a coffee.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Pennies are heavy. I'm always making people wait while I try to dig out exact change or lightening the load by pay with mostly change.

And it drives me insane when a cashier can't make change from bills and change. Don't they teach simple math anymore?

sour said...

don't even try substituting a mexican peso for a twonie and telling them it just shrank in the dryer. it does NOT work

Kurt said...

@Frank: I can't. Double Jeopardy.

@BE Girl: I know, right? Also, I love people who count out exact change. Shows good attention to detail.

@Sour: That's a good tip. Also, don't try to draw your own money with a green sharpie, because it's a lot more detailed than you probably remember.

Maelstrom said...

You guys are losing because you're playing the game wrong. You're supposed to Rrroll up. not Roll up. L2read nubs.

Lori said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha.
Loser.