Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Advanced Pajamas and Turtle Rape Shoe

I was going to write a whole blog about this new lifestyle change I've been pursuing called "advanced pajamas" where you wear clothes that are so loose and comfortable that you can just sleep in them anytime but they are also acceptable to wear out in public. I would talk about softness requirements and nap-time procedures and it was going to be riveting. Like you wouldn't have been able to peel away from it if you tried and you'd be all "Slow down this wild ride, Mr. Toad. I wanna get off." and then I'd laugh maniacally and tell you about cargo pants being better than sweats because of the extra pocket for Pop-Tarts© in case you wake up from a nap hungry. And I would also warn about going to sleep in a pile of chips because when you wake up your clothes will have grease stains and the couch will smell like sour cream and onion for like a month. It's these kind of tips that pretty much make me the MacGuyver of the internet.

I started writing that blog and then I realized I actually didn't have a whole lot more to say about it and then I stumbled onto a video labeled "Turtle Rape Shoe" and I was completely distracted, because if that isn't the best name for pretty much anything, I'll eat my hat (which is a very soft, knit dealie that I roll up a bit and then put on a peacoat and stand in front of the mirror and quote Brando from "On the Waterfront" in my spare time...which is always.). In fact, if I ever have another kid I would consider naming it "Turtle Rape Shoe" and when they went to school the other kids would be so impressed with that name that they wouldn't even pick on him or her, and Turtle Rape Shoe would have so much self-confidence that when he or she grew up, they would be President Turtle Rape Shoe. I would also name a car "Turtle Rape Shoe" with a fancy spray-painting of a turtle raping a shoe on the hood but also a mighty, majestic unicorn charging madly into a flock of flamingos near purple mountains majesty and an American flag. Because I'm a patriot. I would also name a Memorial Award "Turtle Rape Shoe" and it could be a prize for the greatest idea ever, and I would end up winning it every year and you would think the fix was in because every time they opened the envelope they would say " And this year's Turtle Rape Shoe goes to... Kurt! For being the most amazing person ever!!" and then the whole rest of the audience would cheer because they aren't sour persimmons like you, Cousin. And then I wake up and my hair smells like a Memphis Barb-e-que Potato Chip.

Here is the video. It's almost as good as it's name:

29 comments:

Star Kicker said...

I feel really really dirty right now. Filming your turtle having sex with a shoe is kind of like filming your kid masturbating.

Was "America the Beautiful" playing in the background?

Kurt said...

@Star Kicker: Maybe. I just felt bad for the little guy because that shoe is so stuck up.

Kurt said...

Also, I wonder if somehow "Turtle Rape Shoe" is crossing a line I wasn't aware of.

Prosy said...

Look at that turtles facial expressions! That is the sexiest shoe he's ever seen. You should be glad your foot wasn't in that shoe, because then you would have felt so uncomfortable.
I do that 'advanced pajamas' thing too on my days off- thats a really clever name though, good job! I wear like 'yoga pants' (because I've done yoga so many times)to sleep in, and then BANG- wake up ready to go out in public. The bonus is that wearing work-out pants out in public is like pretending you just went to the gym- which gives me an instant excuse to have greasy hair in a ponytail, no make-up, and the sweats.

Prosy said...

I mean sweats like going through some sort of drug or alcohol withrawal, not like a sweatshirt.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: I know! He loves that shoe so much and just wants to share his heart with it by humping it to hell and back and it's being a cold heartless bitch.

And then people will be all "Look how 'high-power' she is!". That's a great plan. Guys can't do that because everyone knows we don't shower unless we have to.

Char said...

does it count that my niece witnessed a duck being naughty last friday? there are some bad, bad ducks in the world.

Chelle said...

That shoe is such a tease.

Frank said...

That would make a great shoe commercial, “The shoes that a turtle can’t say no to, neither can you!” They would be the only shoes on the market with a Parental Discression disclaimer.

Kurt said...

@Char: That last sentence sounds like a punchline.

@Chelle: It SO is. It was all flirty right before the camera started rolling, I bet.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

His penis is like, "Aaaaallmost there, aaaaaaaaalllmost there."

This video made me sad. I connect with Turtle Shoe Rapist on a very deep level. I think I AM Turtle Rape shoe.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: That is provocative, like a fancy negligee from Fredricks of Hollywood© or an after-school special about pre-marital sex.

lilaphase said...

As I was watching the vid - my 9 year old walked up to see the turtle. I was surprisingly embarrassed and surprisingly slow at clicking it out.

Kurt said...

@lilaphase: I apologize for any vicarious harm the Turtle Rape Shoe has caused your family. It didn't mean it. It just wants to be loved.

Anna Russell said...

You know what you need to do? You need to get a turtle to rape your pajamas.

Vic said...

That video is the dirty version of "The Little Engine That Could", only without the happy ending.

And if you make the car with that awesome turtle rape/unicorn/majestic mountains art a VAN, I would totally wear a tube top and some glitter eyeshadow and ride shotgun.

Kurt said...

@Anna: No. I do not think I need that at all. I would here those sad little grunty noises and have nightmares.

@Vic:I totally should have made it a van in the first place. Bring your favorite cut-offs and some high heels too!

Brandy Rose said...

Haha, I posted that same video on my fb status awhile back. HE SQUEAKS! Its so wrong and cute.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: You are on the cutting edge of Turtle Rape technology.

Miss Yvonne said...

This is the best blog title ever. You should just stop right now, because no way can you top that.

Challenge extended.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I think I need a cigarette after that clip?

Or a nap?

Or a poptart?

I'm so confused.

HumorSmith said...

You are an odd and funny person. I arrived here via Vic at What were You Thinking, and I think she's right about you.

Funny stuff. But what have you got against turtle shoe sex?

Mandy's Kidding said...

The high-pitched baby squeaking noises combined with the humping motions and the proportionately large and engorged phallus was deeply disturbing.

I think someone spritzed some Love's Baby Soft on that shoe.

And did anyone else feel sorta gypped that there was no money shot at the end?

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: What until tomorrow. I've got a beauty lined up.

@SBA:Go with the Pop-Tart©, I'm still hoping for an endorsement deal.

@HumorSmith: If Vic said I was a roguishly handsome, genius necromancer than you heard right. If she said I was a little creepy but I have my moments, then she's lying. I have nothing against turtle sex. I'm racist against shoes.

@Mandy: Of course YOU would complain. You pretty much want the whole world coated in semen.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Ew.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Poor turtle. So lonely *sigh*.

So...shoes are the equivalent of turtle blow-up dolls?

Fiolent Vuck said...

I WOULD SUCK A TURTLESCOCK AND I HAVE FUCKED MY MOTHERS SHOE 1 TIME LOL!!!!!

Kurt said...

@BE Girl: I guess that's why some of them are called pumps. (Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!!!)

@FV: Dude. Are you lost?

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Well, I do know how pumps can arouse sexual thoughts. One of my newest loves is somewhere on my blog. Something about Mama needing new shoes.