I was going to write a whole blog about this new lifestyle change I've been pursuing called "advanced pajamas" where you wear clothes that are so loose and comfortable that you can just sleep in them anytime but they are also acceptable to wear out in public. I would talk about softness requirements and nap-time procedures and it was going to be riveting. Like you wouldn't have been able to peel away from it if you tried and you'd be all "Slow down this wild ride, Mr. Toad. I wanna get off." and then I'd laugh maniacally and tell you about cargo pants being better than sweats because of the extra pocket for Pop-Tarts© in case you wake up from a nap hungry. And I would also warn about going to sleep in a pile of chips because when you wake up your clothes will have grease stains and the couch will smell like sour cream and onion for like a month. It's these kind of tips that pretty much make me the MacGuyver of the internet.
I started writing that blog and then I realized I actually didn't have a whole lot more to say about it and then I stumbled onto a video labeled "Turtle Rape Shoe" and I was completely distracted, because if that isn't the best name for pretty much anything, I'll eat my hat (which is a very soft, knit dealie that I roll up a bit and then put on a peacoat and stand in front of the mirror and quote Brando from "On the Waterfront" in my spare time...which is always.). In fact, if I ever have another kid I would consider naming it "Turtle Rape Shoe" and when they went to school the other kids would be so impressed with that name that they wouldn't even pick on him or her, and Turtle Rape Shoe would have so much self-confidence that when he or she grew up, they would be President Turtle Rape Shoe. I would also name a car "Turtle Rape Shoe" with a fancy spray-painting of a turtle raping a shoe on the hood but also a mighty, majestic unicorn charging madly into a flock of flamingos near purple mountains majesty and an American flag. Because I'm a patriot. I would also name a Memorial Award "Turtle Rape Shoe" and it could be a prize for the greatest idea ever, and I would end up winning it every year and you would think the fix was in because every time they opened the envelope they would say " And this year's Turtle Rape Shoe goes to... Kurt! For being the most amazing person ever!!" and then the whole rest of the audience would cheer because they aren't sour persimmons like you, Cousin. And then I wake up and my hair smells like a Memphis Barb-e-que Potato Chip.
Here is the video. It's almost as good as it's name: