Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Zombies and Sambas

I just heard this thing on the news that there was a program involving barber shops that was trying to "Stop Teen Violence" and I'm not sure what that has to do with haircuts but I know that one hairstyle, that boys wear, that's all long on the sides and emo and they have wallet chains makes me want to punch them back into 1986 and they'd be all "WTF?" and teenagers from that time would be all "What does that mean, dickweed?" and it would be like Back to the Future only with bad hair* and throat punching. So I guess if Stop Teen Violence is supposed to give those kids better haircuts, then I am all in favor of it.

Or maybe they mean they are trying to stop people from being violent to teenagers and I think that is a horrible idea, because have you ever even LIVED with a teenager? My daughter is like the best kid in the whole world ever, but even so, she gets lippy. And for all the times I've said to her "Violence never solves anything." I've thought "Violence never solves anything unless you don't start washing the dishes and stop giving me a hard time" I mean, it's pretty much in the Constitution that the whole reason you have kids is to have something to beat if you can't afford drums. My daughter is just lucky I like a good samba beat. Boom-boom-chicka-boom.**

Or maybe they mean they are trying to stop teens from being violent to one another, and that is an idea I can get behind. Because I knew this kid in high school who totally used to get his ass kicked because he played Dungeons and Dragons, and liked computers, and wore shirts that were a bad idea, and was little and clutzy, and no it wasn't me. I was like a star athlete who was never afraid to break the rules, and I solved crimes and I skipped classes and if anyone who knew me in high school is reading this, you can just shut the fuck up.

I know modern teens have to be more worried about gunplay than I ever did, but that will just give them better reflexes when they get out in the real world, where they will be living in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is America after our economy explodes, and/or give them the tools they need to survive the Coming of the Zombies. So I guess the people who are promoting this weird barber shop program totally want my daughter to be eaten by zombies and they can get bent. Because I have already instructed her to always shoot for the head and to go to the second floor and destroy the stairs behind her because zombies can't climb, so now she's ready for the "Real World" way more than most kids.


*To be fair, the 80s had plenty of bad hair too, so maybe I should only punch him back to the 90s because than he can listen to grunge and be all dirty and that's the look I'm most comfortable with teens having and maybe I'll present this in a bill to Congress. I'm like Citizen Kane, only legislating haircuts.

** I apologize for this, but I totally thought about Carmen Miranda when I wrote that bit. Here, to make up for it:

7 comments:

Anna Russell said...

Violence should never be encouraged in your children. Except for that boy who tried to steal my daughter's scooter and she punched him in the face. Then I had to be all "Oh, you can't do that" but really meant "Yeah, that showed him. Ha!"

Now if you'll exucuse me, I'm off to dance to Carmen Miranda and look out my Back to the Future DVD.

TrodoMcCracken said...

This reminds me of the time when I knew my father was my father (and No, I am not talking about the forced paternity test, thatnks for reminding me jerk) and he was standing with his hands on his hips as he proudly surveyed our pantry which had five months worth of canned goods in it and he turned to me, the child of his awesome, and said " You know, if Zombies attack, we're set. We've got food, all you kids have been trained in guns and are crack shots and we live on a hill. We can take those bastards and rule the zombie town." It was the proudest day of my life.

And then I scissorkicked him to gain control of the food supply just incase that day was the day the zombies attacked because I had previously been running around walking on graves. Got to be prepared, is all I'm saying.

Walter said...

But to tie it all togehter, zombies hate bad hairdos, so my guess is they'll mainly killt he teenagers with awful hair, which as was dsicussed, is totally legit.

Char said...

obviously I have not had enough coffee

Kurt said...

@ Anna: Carmen fixes everything except for headaches and "Where did all our fruit go?"

@Trodo: I love when you tell love stories. That one was like Snow White© if the wicked step-person was your Dad and the cans of food were the dwarves, and why the hell are you eating the dwarves? You're sick.

@Walter: I thought you wrote "killt" at first, which would have been old timey Western and awesome.

@Char: Obviously. :)

Vic said...

"Lippy" was my dad's nickname for me when I was a teenager. He was a strange man, because I'm sure I was totally sweet. (Thanks for hosing off my brain, Kurt, but now it's all soggy and making little shorting out noises.)
Boom boom, chicka boom.

Miss Yvonne said...

My son's best friend is that emo kid with the hair and the long chains. We told him our generation invented that look and he was all "There were goths in the 1960's?" so I punched him in the....wait for it....doudenum.