Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Total Man Formula


So I was out at the grocery store last night when I decided that I should buy some vitamins because you can't just lay around napping and eating Pop Tarts all day even if they are low fat strawberry without doing some kind of exercise or something. I understand that taking vitamins isn't exercise, but I think most doctors would agree it's close.

Also there is a small part of me that believes that if I take vitamins I will suddenly unlock a superpower and I think I mentioned yesterday that is one of my career goals. I don't know... maybe like, taking 200 mg of Riboflavin* will make me grow wings or something. That would be cool, even though flying is third on the superpower list behind invisibility and mind bullets.**

So I'm perusing the vitamin aisle and all the vitamins with the cool sounding names like "Centrum Silver" and "Vito-gasm" and "POWER ZAP!!" all look dubious and possibly geared for fine tuning other kinds of people like old people, and especially not people with superpowers because you can put all the lightning you want on the bottle, I'm not going to believe taking your pill will allow me to harness the terrific and terrible power of Lightning Eyes like Cyclops, and besides I don't want to wear that Jordie LaForge eye thing my whole life just so I don't melt off peoples' faces***. I wasn't born yesterday****. So I keep looking and I finally narrow it down to two possibilities, "Multi-Vitamin 1000" and "Total Man Formula". I don't know what kind of chap would choose to buy "Multi-Vitamin 1000" over "Total Man Formula" but I'll tell what kind won't... me. If anything is going to optimize my potential for super powers it's "Total Man Formula".

In my mind's eye, I picture myself popping a handful of these babies, and then the camera zooms in close and my pupils shrink up and I do that whole Bruce Banner "Aaaarrrr!!!" thing, and then they have other quick-cut close-ups of my limbs getting huge and then there are lightning strikes all over the place behind me, and when I turn around and the camera pulls back we see what it is that I've turned into. And then Hattori Hanzo, the voice in my head, points out that no one is running a camera on me, so there will be no dramatic lens work, it'll just be me in the bathroom overdosing on vitamins and the only superpower I'll get is my urine will smell strongly. And that's the least boss superpower I've ever heard of. And then I call Hatttori a "dink", but he understands because he knows I really want a superpower besides Smelly Piss power.

I still bought the "Total Man Formula" just in case though.




*I don't even know what riboflavin is, but it's the second coolest sounding vitamin besides "Vitamin K" which is just potassium, and besides I'm WAY past the age where I like stuff just because it starts with the same letter as my name, and I didn't want you to think I was all "Oooo! Potassium is coolest because it's VITAMIN K!!". So I think I just outwitted you again.

** The inclusion of "Mind Bullets" is in deference to my delicate readership who get all bent out of shape when I don't mention them, and I would hate to alienate any of my very small audience at this juncture in my "career". Unless "alienate" secretly means "To turn one into an alien" ,in which case you people should get used to the green-skinned, antennaed look quick because I am pretty much constantly trying to turn people into aliens, or zombies, or robots with my mind.

*** For those keeping score at home, I just mentioned X-men and Star Trek in the same sentence and that counts as a double geek word score. I'm SO good at this game that I just made up.

**** Actually, on a relative scale, I was born like 2 seconds ago so this bit of cliche is stupid and makes no sense to anyone who can time travel and has a better understanding of the massive scope of the timeline. I'm not saying I can. That will be for scientists to uncover in the year 2135.

7 comments:

gabby said...

Congrats on becoming a Total Man. And here I thought it took the blue pill to get there. Unfortunately, I am no longer a total man, but a wise and gray man, says the label on my current vitamin formula. I can't say I have felt any differently after eating the freaking four pill daily dose, but I feel comfy in knowing that the nutrients in the pill pass safely through my digestive tract and fortify/enrich the water table here on the land. That must amount to something.

Char said...

at least you didn't fall for that total woman formula - my boobs are still not perky. If you get that effect let me know - I'm still waiting for my wonder woman moment.

Anna Russell said...

I saw vitamins once for "Total vaginal health". I was scared and confused. In that order.

You said "boss". I love you for that. That word does not get used enough in that context.

Hugs
Anna xxx

Brandy Rose said...

My mind bullets would so win over your invisibility, cuz I'd know you were there!

And for all you know, I already am an alien. Born in Roswell you know. :D

Kurt said...

@Gabby: Wise and gray men are way more "total". That's what I say because I am nearly forty and graying.

@Char: Who says I didn't fall for the woman's formula? Only, I planted them in a small earthen pot hoping to grow a total woman.

@Anna Russell: I'm also scared of total vaginal health, because that means that anyone NOT taking the pills would have a sick (or sad) vagina. I would hate to think that was the case. YOU'RE Boss!

@Brandy Rose: Again... Pfft. Mind Bullets. I saw that you were born in Roswell and thought "cool. She is totally my ride if this planet gets attacked."

TrodoMcCracken said...

I would have went with "Multi-Vitamen 1000" and would pop nine of them so I can randomly run around screaming " It's over NINE THOUSAND" while grunting.

Star Kicker said...

Silly goose. EVERYONE knows that tryptophan is the most badass vitamin there is. Although technically it's an amino acid. But whatever - it can kick riboflavin's ass any day.