Friday, February 6, 2009

This Is Pretty Much The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Written

Because God says I'm not allowed to sleep anymore, I was up all night, and by "up" I mean "lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, and generally being miserable". So now instead of napping, I'm totally awake and need something to do. I thought I'd go see "Push" maybe because it's a movie about mind bullets, and I have been told that my superpower rankings need to be reconsidered and what better way to do that research than to go see a movie about it. I'm pretty much an ace reporter. You should call me "Scoop" and I could wear a fedora and have a notepad and that would be boss.

Anyway(s), I looked up a synopsis online to see how "Pew! Pew! Pew!" this movie is and I read this:

"After his father, an assassin, is brutally murdered, Nick Gant (Chris Evans) vows revenge on Division, the covert government agency that dabbles in psychic warfare and experimental drugs. Hiding in Hong Kong's underworld, Nick assembles a band of rogue psychics dedicated to destroying Division. Together with Cassie (Dakota Fanning), a teenage clairvoyant, Nick goes in search of a missing girl and a stolen suitcase that could be the key to accomplishing their mutual goal"

Only because I'm so tired I read that last sentence as "... the key to accomplishing their mutual GOAT." And for a second I thought. "What the Eff is a mutual goat?" and then I tried to imagine what a mutual goat would be, and I thought it was probably one that you kept in the backyard because you are too cheap to buy a lawnmower and he wanders around eating all the weeds and tin cans you have out there and you have to share him with your neighbor because he's a MUTUAL goat. And then I thought about what a crappy yard you must have if it has enough tin cans in it to feed a goat. You pretty much have to be throwing ALL your garbage out the window. Have some respect for the environment, man! And then I imagined the HUGE pile of refuse that must build up under your window while it was your cheapskate neighbor's turn to use the goat and that's disgusting and I bet you have roaches, you filthy bastard. And then I re-read the last sentence of the synopsis and my whole goat-based scenario just kind of unraveled.

I don't know how one would "accomplish" a goat anyway(s), and it's probably sexual, so I'M not going to start thinking about it and instead I think it's time to try napping again. Stupid goats.

UPDATE: I was just lying there thinking about people using their mind bullets to make other people have sex with goats and a ladybug fell in my mouth. Note to self: close mouth while sleeping. Also: re-evaluate Mind Bullets on super-power list.


Char said...

LOL lordy - at least I'm falling asleep by 2ish or so....I think your mind bullets need a more powerful sound than pew, pew, pew...maybe bang, pow, bang?

heh heh, I said bang

Char said...


Kurt said...

I think mind bullets are more of a "wahwahwahwah!!", as opposed to Eye Lasers which are totally "Pew!Pew!Pew!".

"Bang! Pow! Bang!" are sex noises. Perv.

Lori said...

So glad I stumbled blindly into this comment section.
What about one of those old Tommy guns that go

I didn't sleep either, obviously.

Vic said...

Couldn't tell you about the bullet sounds, as my mind has a silencer. (It works really well, too. Not a sound coming out of my brain...)

Maybe the mutual goat is not for trash. Maybe it's for the goat cheese business.

Brandy Rose said...

Oh I like the rat-a-tat-tat-tat, I'm so gonna start using that when I'm showing off my (non-existent)muscles. "You like them guns don't ya baby, rat-a-tat-tat-tat."

Lori said...

@Brandy Rose- First ask then if they got their tickets.
"Tickets?" they will say.
"Yeah Baby, to the gun show"
It's funny. Trust me.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Dumb like a rabbit maybe! And what the hell, a ladybug? Did it have some type of Jihad against you because last I heard those bitches were peaceful. Unless they are starting to conquer the world one mouth at a time.

Richard said...

Your funny.

Kurt said...

@Lori: Do guns even make sounds in Canada or is it like the void of space. Or like "if a tree falls in Canada, and no one hears it, so what?" I kid.

@Vic: You are super deadly if your mind bullets are silenced. You're pretty much a super-assassin.

@Brandy: Hahaha! That's awesome. That would definitely work on me if I were single, and you weren't afraid to approach a crazy drunk in the corner of the bar talking to himself and wearing only a bathrobe.

@Trodo: This was definitely NOT a lady bug. She was a hussy.

@Your to funny,two.

Miss Yvonne said...

I think I read somewhere that it's good luck if a ladybug flies into your mouth. Especially when you are thinking about goat sex.

Cynthia said...

Did I make it in time for the dumbest thing you've ever written? Just. It appears.

For the love of Pete, would you pu-leaze put a feedburner subscription button on here already? I don't use any of these other thingies. I use email. I need my blogs delivered directly to my email. Otherwise my butler won't be able to read them to me while I eat bon bons on the divan.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: I'm sure that ladybug didn't think it was good luck.

@Cynthia: Hey! I've looked everywhere for that stupid "Subscribe by email" widget and I can't find it. Maybe if I take a nap it will help.

Anna Russell said...

*goes to find a mutual goat because it sounds like the most awesome thing ever*

Anna xxx

silvergirl said...

I thought I was the only one who used the phrase Pew!Pew!Pew!

Clearly we have both witnessed little boys playing with invisible guns.

Love your blog.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I don't know what would be better, a mutual goat or a communal goat.

@silvergirl: Pew!Pew!Pew! is one of my favorite descriptors for anything overtly awesome.

Right... just little boys...not me personally.

Also: Welcome!

Prosy said...

One time I ate a ladybug by accident.

I thought it was a chocolate chip.

Thats like the saddest, fatkid story every.