Friday, February 13, 2009

Screw You, Bad Day!

If someone had come up to me yesterday and said "Boy, you sure are havin' one of those days!" I would have punched them so hard in the throat that when the cops came to arrest me for assault they would look at the carnage and they would book me for vehicular manslaughter or assault with a deadly weapon and I would be able to brag to my cell mates that my fists were deadly weapons, and that would give me mad street cred,yo.

You see, I had a bad day.

Now I don't want to get into it because with all the diplomats and the possible revocation of my license to kill, and the fact that pandas are still an endangered species, it would take too long. But let's just say justice prevailed and that you are safer from the hordes of COMMUNIST bears than you were yesterday and here's a little known fact: You have to be a diplomat to yell "Diplomatic Immunity!" like the South African guy at the end of "Lethal Weapon 3" and have it work, and why does my shirt smell like bamboo?

In fact, yesterday was so bad that if you took all the bad days and lined them up and picked two captains and made them play dodgeball, my day yesterday would be the last one picked and when it finally was, after the blue team captain made a particularly emotional plea to the gym teacher to let them play one short instead, it would just stand there and when the whistle blew one of the cool, athletic bad days would pants it and all the girl bad days would point and laugh. And screw you guys, I hadn't even hit my growth spurt yet because it was only 11th grade*.

In fact, I wish more than anything I could somehow, magically personify that bad day, because I would make it Spencer Pratt and then I would kick it in the junk and when it was doubled over I would be all "Heidi Montag is a skank, yo**. And the two of you publicity whores are going to rot in a special hell made especially for talentless faux reality show hacks and that one is even lower than the ninth circle where the Devil is frozen in the middle of a lake according to Dante.***"

Or maybe I would just turn it into a cookie and eat it. That would be delicious.

* This is a fictional account and in no way represents actual events. Because I could never be pantsed, and it was 8th grade and Brady Hubler is a jerk.

**The "yo" is what you have to add to every sentence if you want street cred. I saw it on MTV Cribs, yo.

*** This literary reference is just to bring up the intelligence level of this blog a bit because if blogs were brains, this one just got pantsed by Brady Hubler.


Walter said...

You've gotta mast the one hand on our hip but is secretly holding onto the top of your pants move. Sure fire defense against Brady Hublers everywhere, and leaves your other hand free to sock them in the shoulder.

Prosy said...

I had a fucking horrible day yesterday too, when the doctor told me I would probably be crippled in 5 years. Maybe yesterday was just a universal bad day.

Char said...

I'm saving up for my bad day tomorrow - sorry about your suckage yesterday though.

Kurt said...

@ Walter: Where were you like 25 years ago? No one's going to pants me now while I wait on line at the bank.

@Prosy: Your bad day was so much worse than mine that I feel like I should bake you a cake.

@Char: I hope you get excluded from the bad day club.

Anna Russell said...

Communist pandas are a little considered threat to the safety of this world, yo.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

Just because they are adorable doesn't mean they don't hate our capitalist way of life, and let's not forget that they are BEARS after all. You can NEVER trust bears.

That's what I scream in the library when they read Winnie-the-Pooh at "Story time"

Miss Yvonne said...

Mmmm...bad day cookie.

Random Chick said...

You're funny. I think I'll come visit you more often...

Random Chick said...

OH...sorry about the sucky day. I've been having one for like, a year.

Brandy Rose said...

What if I had a bad couple of weeks? Personified, would they be a gang? How the hell do I take on a GANG,...yo?

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: Oddly enough, it tastes like caramel.

@Random chick: I'm terribly funny. You can ask anyone, but start with me because I'm the expert on the subject.

Also @Random Chick: Sorry you are trapped in a time vortex. Give Ned Ryerson a squeeze for me.

@Brandy Rose: With a dance-off, that's how. Have you never seen the video for "Beat It"?

Vic said...

If I had not been such a pig yesterday and eaten it, I would SO give you a giant cupcake with big frosting that says "LIZ".

You could either eat it, or huck it at the communist bears - I would back your decision.

(Bad days suck. You are awesome.)

Kurt said...

@Vic: I think the powerful frosting on that cupcake PROTECTED you from the bad mojo yesterday, so I'm glad you ate it. Because if you had a bad day you might have written about it and then I never would have encountered the phrase "poppy and worried" relating to fish eyes and that would have been a crime.