Monday, February 2, 2009

Prescribing Pop Tarts

I'm home today tending to a Sick Girl, but don't worry because she's mine and not one I just found somewhere. The thing is, I've gotten used to this big stretch of "me time"* in the middle of the day and now I have to go around wearing pants, and not talking to Hattori Hanzo because she might give me a funny look and then call 9-1-1, and I don't need THAT hassle again, so now I'm all flustered. And she's like...needing things and I have to get them for her because apparently 102 degrees is a high enough fever to make legs stop working. And here's how our conversations are going:

Her: Daaaad! Can I use the computer?
Me: No. You're sick. The internet is for healthy people**
Her: Well, can you make me some breakfast?
Me: After I get done writing, maybe. 
Her: I'm hungry now, though.
Me: That's what she said.
Her: Dad!!!
Me: Okay. Okay. Pop Tarts or cereal?
Her: Dad! I want a real breakfast.
Me: Pop Tarts are the realest breakfast ever! They're so real, I can't even stand it.
Her: I don't like Pop Tarts!
Me: Blasphemer! Daughter of a Jackal! We have Strawberry AND S'mores!
Her: I don't like them!
Me: But they're delicious filling surrounded by a warm pastry crust and frosted with like, angel kisses or something.
Her: I UNDERSTAND them. I just don't LIKE them.
Me: This must be fever-talk. How many fingers am I holding up?
Her: One. And that's not nice, Dad.
Me: Are you feeling any better? Maybe you can go to school NOW?
Her: I want to check my email.
Me: That's what she said.
Her: That doesn't even make sense.

You see? My basic human rights are probably being violated because I have to care for this vector of contagion. Not liking Pop tarts? I'm pretty sure that's against the law and I don't want to be trapped in my own home with a known felon.  I mean... "I don't like Pop Tarts." isn't even a sentence in English, and I'm pretty sure it's a curse in some other language, like Canadian*** or something.  Maybe she mad with fever and I should put my wallet in her mouth and take her to the hospital.****

*"me time" is code for "napping, playing video games, surfing porn, and napping.", and I know I wrote napping twice. That was on purpose.

** This statement is so false I'm lucky the God of Liars didn't come down from Liar-halla and like, crown me or something.  Seriously, the very idea that the internet only attracts healthy people is like saying the only kind of sharks a defenseless, injured swimmer will have to face in the ocean are the kind out looking for a hug or a piece of bubblegum.

***Just kidding. I know Canada doesn't have a language.

****Also Just kidding. She called 9-1-1, so I don't have to take her anywhere. The ambulance has got this one.*****

***** Also Also, I'm lying. She's just napping on the couch. 

Dear God, please let her be napping. Amen.


Char said...

I prescribe krispy kreme doughnuts. I know they made me feel better.

Anna Russell said...

My daughter tried to tell me about some mythical place where her friend's mother baked entire cakes from scratch.

She's not going back there. It only gives her ideas.

Pop Tarts are ann excellent breakfast. They've got fruit in them and everything.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

@Char: I'm pretty sure when Jonas Salk invented Krispy Kreme he was doing it for the betterment of humanity and not for delicious melt-in-your-mouth donut bliss. That was a side effect.

@Anna Russell: Exactly. Fruit is so much better than the nothing she would have had otherwise.

Brandy Rose said...

I can deal well with sick people. I can't even deal with myself when I'm sick. I'd avoid me if I could, but obviously I can't...

Brandy Rose said...

Can't* I CAN'T deal with sick people....blah!

Vic said...

"Daughter of a Jackal!" Excellent!

My kids fight like, well, jackals, over the Pop Tarts. I hide the box in the dog's bed. He won't touch them.

Lori said...

Are you luring me, jackass?

Of course we have a language, it's just that your tiny little American brains are just not smart enough to learn it, so we gave up.

At least I don't leave my Pop Tarts in the couch.

LWM said...

What the hell's a "Canada" ?

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: If you could avoid yourself you'd be having an out of body experience and you could totally sneak into anybody's house and watch them shower, so don't give up the dream.

@Vic: Exactly. Dogs eat poop, so Pop Tarts are obviously the opposite of THAT. Which is like gold or something.

@Lori: Absolutely.

@LWM: It's that really big state over North Dakota.

TrodoMcCracken said...

As a Canadian I have to point out one thing: North Dakota is our asswipe and we have indeed have a language: we've just been stealing yours for centuries.

Kurt said...

Not true! You call that last letter "Zed" and you put in crazy extra "u"s all over the place.

North Dakota is our asswipe too.

TrodoMcCracken said...

That's part of our master plan. We figure if we throw in "u"s no one will catch on. Obviously you have. Expect a strongly worded, yet polite, letter for this!