I'm home today tending to a Sick Girl, but don't worry because she's mine and not one I just found somewhere. The thing is, I've gotten used to this big stretch of "me time"* in the middle of the day and now I have to go around wearing pants, and not talking to Hattori Hanzo because she might give me a funny look and then call 9-1-1, and I don't need THAT hassle again, so now I'm all flustered. And she's like...needing things and I have to get them for her because apparently 102 degrees is a high enough fever to make legs stop working. And here's how our conversations are going:
Her: Daaaad! Can I use the computer?
Me: No. You're sick. The internet is for healthy people**
Her: Well, can you make me some breakfast?
Me: After I get done writing, maybe.
Her: I'm hungry now, though.
Me: That's what she said.
Me: Okay. Okay. Pop Tarts or cereal?
Her: Dad! I want a real breakfast.
Me: Pop Tarts are the realest breakfast ever! They're so real, I can't even stand it.
Her: I don't like Pop Tarts!
Me: Blasphemer! Daughter of a Jackal! We have Strawberry AND S'mores!
Her: I don't like them!
Me: But they're delicious filling surrounded by a warm pastry crust and frosted with like, angel kisses or something.
Her: I UNDERSTAND them. I just don't LIKE them.
Me: This must be fever-talk. How many fingers am I holding up?
Her: One. And that's not nice, Dad.
Me: Are you feeling any better? Maybe you can go to school NOW?
Her: I want to check my email.
Me: That's what she said.
Her: That doesn't even make sense.
You see? My basic human rights are probably being violated because I have to care for this vector of contagion. Not liking Pop tarts? I'm pretty sure that's against the law and I don't want to be trapped in my own home with a known felon. I mean... "I don't like Pop Tarts." isn't even a sentence in English, and I'm pretty sure it's a curse in some other language, like Canadian*** or something. Maybe she mad with fever and I should put my wallet in her mouth and take her to the hospital.****
*"me time" is code for "napping, playing video games, surfing porn, and napping.", and I know I wrote napping twice. That was on purpose.
** This statement is so false I'm lucky the God of Liars didn't come down from Liar-halla and like, crown me or something. Seriously, the very idea that the internet only attracts healthy people is like saying the only kind of sharks a defenseless, injured swimmer will have to face in the ocean are the kind out looking for a hug or a piece of bubblegum.
***Just kidding. I know Canada doesn't have a language.
****Also Just kidding. She called 9-1-1, so I don't have to take her anywhere. The ambulance has got this one.*****
***** Also Also, I'm lying. She's just napping on the couch.
Dear God, please let her be napping. Amen.