Monday, February 9, 2009

PopTart© Ninja Lawyers Attack!

I have the Google Analytics© widget installed on my blog because I like surrounding myself with meaningless data on the off-chance someone will say "Hey. Tell me how many hits you had on your blog last month from Paraguay or I'll force you to drive this bus at 60mph without stopping or it'll blow up.", and then I'm in a Keanu Reeves© movie, and that is a curse and a blessing at the same time because on one hand he's a moron, but on the other hand he's still a moron but funny in his badly-acted loutiness*, so I better be able to tell them about my Paraguayian* fan base.  

I'm perusing the list of server locations and trying to figure out who-is-who amongst my readers based solely on your screen handles and where I think that sounds like you come from,  when I notice that someone has searched for me based on the image I used last week of the PopTart© logo.  

I'm officially in a tizzy© now.

 I'm positive that the international Pop Tart© consortium or cartel** is going to send out goons© or lawyers© or zombies© to injuct all over me for using their logo without probable cause**, and they will not think that it is funny and they will use their knowledge of my favorite flavor against me because that's the kind of sick bastards they are. They'll be all "Low-fat Strawberry©, eh? Well, all we have to do is chase him for a while and Tubby© will just fall over. I mean...we're not talking about Jason Bourne© here. Dude© eats LF." And they will totally use the acronym "LF" for low-fat, because they are serious professionals and they will also call me "Dude." because they want their victims to not have names like Buffalo Bill© did when he called that poor girl in the hole "It" in "Silence of the Lambs©" and how the hell did I even get myself in this mess?

Now I am all paranoid about the PopTart© ninjas and have gone to great lengths to protect myself from further violations©, but my understanding of international copyright law is about the same as a Cottonmouth Rattlesnake©'s understanding of the Judeo-Christian© mythologic archtypes present in Blade Runner©****, so I guess I just better be extra careful.

And if you think for one second the whole point of this blog was to show off that after 25 years of keyboarding I finally bothered to look up how to make a copyright symbol than you are so wrong I can't even stand it. 

Also, what are you psychic?

* I probably made up this word. I'm like the new Webster's© dictionary, only taller.

**Whichever is more evil. I think the consortium is more like a think-tank and they're the ones responsible for all the new flavors*, while the cartel is probably all about "black ops"

***My understanding of criminal law is impressive. I think "probable cause" is like when you get pulled over and the cops accuse you of kidnapping someone probably 'cause your trunk has a person in it who is bound and gagged. Hypothetically speaking.

**** This is the only thing I remember from "Film Theory©" class in college besides the fact that the girl who sat next to me had nice cans***** and how long until the next cigarette break, anyway(s) ?

*****It's not sexist because I said they were "nice".  In fact, if you are offended I have the right to press charges probably 'cause you are sexually harrassing me with your mind.

UPDATE: I had to remove two usages of "totally" from this blog and one instance where I typed "me" instead of "my" because I didn't want you to think I had suddenly been shanghaied by pirates, even though that would be about the best day of my life.


Vic said...

Hey LF,
1) By analyzing Google Analytics, I now know exactly where you live. In fact, I even used Google Earth to zoom in on your house. I can see it right now. (Just feeding the paranoia. You can thank me later)
2) I am totally jealous that you know how to type the copyright symbol. Where is it? I totally have to know. Totally.
3) What's wrong with "totally"?

TrodoMcCracken said...

You know, this probably wouldn't have happened if you were as great as me. Just throwing that out there.

Kurt said...

@Vic: It's Alt+0169 with the num lock off, then you twirl around in your chair twice and chant "ippa-mippa-bippa" three times.

@Trodo: Thank you for your input, I appreciate it. And by "appreciate" I mean "am pretending I don't feel the need to defend my own awesomeness because of"

TrodoMcCracken said...

You're welcome and by "you're welcome" I mean " you're welcome because I just had a brain fart on some witty pithy response so you win this round Kurt"

Kurt said...

You forgot to shake your fist and say "Kuuuuuurrt!!!" like in "Wrath of Khan©"

Gabby said...

Ignorance is bliss. Follow your bliss.

Char said...

ahhh, yeah. I'll just back away slowly. had to same something since you know I was here and all that.

Kurt said...

@Gabby: I have so fully followed my ignorance for so long that now it feels like wisdom as long as I don't say it out loud.

@Char: I don't need Google Analytics for you, my oldest blog friend. :)

Anna Russell said...

I thought google analytics was the coolest thing ever till I realised

1) People can spy on me just the same as I spy on them.


2) When people do a google search for the word "cunt", they seem to land on my blog.

But at least I never made the Pop Tart ninjas mad. Kurt, that is just pushing your luck. You can come to Scotland and hide out if you want - apparently there's some military thingy near my house, so it's all blurred out on google maps.

Just don't look for porn on my laptop - you'll only end up at my blog.

Anna xxx

Cynthia said...

My 6 yo told me if you kidnapped by pirates you don't have to brush your teeth anymore.

I think you're right to be worried about the Pop Tart ninjas. But remember that a tinfoil hat will block their thought scanners.

Miss Yvonne said...

I understand your concern about the pop tart ninjas. I myself am sincerely afraid of the Brad Pitt copyright ninjas. He's on my blog and I know they're out there...waiting to attack/sue me.

Kurt said...

@Anna: The porn stipulation, unfortunately is a deal breaker.

@Cynthia: Being kidnapped by pirates has so many advantages I can't even stand it.

@Miss Yvonne: He will probably just impregnate you, but judging by the mob of children he's collecting he can do that just by looking at you.

Star Kicker said...

I know. I'm still paranoid that the artist who made the lame sketch of Mother Theresa that I once posted would come after me for stealing revenues. I even did a little legal research.

Answer: You'll be okay probably 'cause you had nothing but nice things to say about Pop Tarts(c), and therefore there wwas no causation or injury. E.g., "no harm no foul."

But if you NEED a lawyer. I know a really good one who is well-versed in sugary breakfast treats...