Monday, February 16, 2009

Philanthropy and Purple Nurples

3am is the perfect time for some things, like writing blogs and ghosts*, and since I am not the disembodied, ethereal form of a vengeful human spirit looking to exact justice upon those that killed me in some horrible fashion, like poisoning me so they could inherit my deed to the old coal mine I owned but didn't know was sitting on a huge oil deposit, I think I'll write a blog.

I learned a lot of things this weekend, and being the great philanthropist that I am, I have decided to share that wisdom with you so long as you are willing to use the definition of philanthropist that goes "one who bestows others with his great wisdom and insight" and not the one that goes "gives money to poor people", because I know you are all too proud for that and I'm just thinking of your self-esteem and besides what would you do with that money, spend it on booze and food and maybe clothing, that's what. Trust me. I'm totally helping you by not helping you. My Dad once said "Don't give that hobo your money, dumbass." and he was a great philanthropist too, only he used the "I'm going to hit you if you do something stupid" definition of philanthropy, which is really the least charitable and the most painful, so you should be glad I'm just kicking some mad wisdom your way instead.

The first thing I learned this weekend was that there are friendly nipple pinches and unfriendly nipple pinches and if you ever confuse the two you're going to end up in the backroom of some grocery store with tall metal shelves and bad overhead lighting and the cops are on their way, and I'm sorry, Your Highness, but you should have known better than to get between me and the last homemade apple pie, and besides you looked like you enjoyed it for a second, but maybe in retrospect, that was more "surprise and alarm", than "arousal and gratification". My point is, if you live in a town where the D.A. is a stickler for ALL the sexual assault laws, you should probably just let them have the pie. **

The second thing I learned is that you don't actually need to have learned more than one thing to write a blog. Sometimes you can just come in with one really funny thing (debatable) and then throw a paragraph on the end to look like there was a second thing when there wasn't. And sure some people will be all "Gyp***!" but you can always just respond with something nonsensical like "Gyp you!" and then you can run away, because this is a free service anyway(s) and if you give someone something for free that makes you a philanthropist. And now you've brought the whole thing full-circle and they can be inspired by your greatness, and I think I'm going to have another cookie and then try to get some more sleep because this goddamn ridiculous.


*Also, cookies!

**This entire "life lesson" is made up and I do not endorse pinching anyones boobies who have not previously indicated that they would like you  to do so, because that would be negligent of me and I think by this point we all know how much the uptight judges in this stinking town are out to get me so I obviously would never really do that, and besides I totally beat her to the pie because I was willing to shove and she was willing to fall.****

*** I looked up the spelling of "gyp" online and I had a choice between "gip" or "gyp"  and I went with the "y" one because it seems fancier. And I am nothing if not a fancy gentleman. Unless pie is involved, than all bets are off, Sister.

**** For those keeping score, this also means that this entire blog is fictitious and there's not a lick of wisdom in the whole thing so go ahead and try and revoke my title of philanthropist.  DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!!


Walter said...


Kurt said...

Gyp you sideways!

Anna Russell said...

Gyp off gyp face. (not you, just trying it out)

I tell people they're idiots all the time. Now I understand, this makes me better than Mother Theresa.

Anna xxx

Brandy Rose said...

Well there is the purple nurple (pinch), the titty twister (ouch) and then there is the chichi squish (where you sit on their chest with your knees and hop up and down), none of which are pleasant, but if all you did was the pinch, then she should be grateful.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: It's that kind of philanthropy that makes this world a better place, because maybe they DON'T EVEN KNOW, and you are totally doing them a favor.

@Brandy Rose: I had no idea you were a medical doctor. Thank you so much for clarifying my point. She SHOULD be grateful.

Vic said...

I was all confused from the beginning because I thought philanthropists collected stamps, so none of made any sense, except that now I'm hungry for apple pie and cookies.

And "gyp" with the "y" totally looks fancier, and like a good name for my next dog, but also offensive to gypsies. Happy Dead Presidents!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

FYI, what distinguishes a friendly nipple pinch from an unfriendly nipple pinch is that if you are going for the friendly nipple pinch, you have to also say, "Boop!" in a high silly voice as you complete said pinch. Maybe that's where you went wrong.

Kurt said...

@Vic: I'm glad that apple pies brought you clarity. They also cure polio. At least they would if I was in charge.

@SMU,K:I totally did the "Boop" because I know the rules. Must have been having a bad day or something.

Fragrant Liar said...

I thought philanthropists studied people who liked to phrench kiss? No? I mean, otherwise, I'd have been okay with the nipply nudgin' and then of course, you did forget the high-pitched "boop!" Followed by, of course, "Just kidding!" But if you lied about it and you weren't really a philanthropist, no nipply nudging would have been acceptable or appropriate. I mean, I thought you would want to know, not to hurt your feelings or anything.

Kurt said...

@FL: No harm done, and thanks for being so informative. Reading that made me sleepy, though.

Fandango said...

When I read the title I thought this had a Willy Wonka tie in since I believed Purple Nurples were from said book/movie.

I stand corrected.

In my defense, they called them Titty Twisters here.

Kurt said...

@Fandango: Adding "-ies" to things breast-related is tricky. For example: "Boobies"= Funny, but "titties" = Something a porn guy says because he doesn't have to wake up and live with the woman he's saying it to.

Char said...

what? I read through this and there was no boobies harmed?

TrodoMcCracken said...

I decided to play "Catch up on all the blog posts that happened on the weekend when I was off doing kewl* things" and then I read this post and hit a roadblock.

*Throwing rocks at orphans in my monopoly man outfit.