I learned a lot of things this weekend, and being the great philanthropist that I am, I have decided to share that wisdom with you so long as you are willing to use the definition of philanthropist that goes "one who bestows others with his great wisdom and insight" and not the one that goes "gives money to poor people", because I know you are all too proud for that and I'm just thinking of your self-esteem and besides what would you do with that money, spend it on booze and food and maybe clothing, that's what. Trust me. I'm totally helping you by not helping you. My Dad once said "Don't give that hobo your money, dumbass." and he was a great philanthropist too, only he used the "I'm going to hit you if you do something stupid" definition of philanthropy, which is really the least charitable and the most painful, so you should be glad I'm just kicking some mad wisdom your way instead.
The first thing I learned this weekend was that there are friendly nipple pinches and unfriendly nipple pinches and if you ever confuse the two you're going to end up in the backroom of some grocery store with tall metal shelves and bad overhead lighting and the cops are on their way, and I'm sorry, Your Highness, but you should have known better than to get between me and the last homemade apple pie, and besides you looked like you enjoyed it for a second, but maybe in retrospect, that was more "surprise and alarm", than "arousal and gratification". My point is, if you live in a town where the D.A. is a stickler for ALL the sexual assault laws, you should probably just let them have the pie. **
The second thing I learned is that you don't actually need to have learned more than one thing to write a blog. Sometimes you can just come in with one really funny thing (debatable) and then throw a paragraph on the end to look like there was a second thing when there wasn't. And sure some people will be all "Gyp***!" but you can always just respond with something nonsensical like "Gyp you!" and then you can run away, because this is a free service anyway(s) and if you give someone something for free that makes you a philanthropist. And now you've brought the whole thing full-circle and they can be inspired by your greatness, and I think I'm going to have another cookie and then try to get some more sleep because this goddamn ridiculous.
**This entire "life lesson" is made up and I do not endorse pinching anyones boobies who have not previously indicated that they would like you to do so, because that would be negligent of me and I think by this point we all know how much the uptight judges in this stinking town are out to get me so I obviously would never really do that, and besides I totally beat her to the pie because I was willing to shove and she was willing to fall.****
*** I looked up the spelling of "gyp" online and I had a choice between "gip" or "gyp" and I went with the "y" one because it seems fancier. And I am nothing if not a fancy gentleman. Unless pie is involved, than all bets are off, Sister.
**** For those keeping score, this also means that this entire blog is fictitious and there's not a lick of wisdom in the whole thing so go ahead and try and revoke my title of philanthropist. DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!!