Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Passé José Exposé on LOST

So I was going to write this huge exposé on Lost but then I didn't know how to make the accented "e" so I had to look up some random José to copy and paste the "é", and the only José I could think of was José Conseco, and I don't know if I want to support a self-proclaimed steroid abuser and reality TV star, although he was on that season of "The Surreal Life" that also had Balky from "Perfect Strangers" on it, and that's cool because he was in "True Romance" and that movie was awesome, so I guess it's okay to use that José to cut and paste for my exposé.

"True Romance" was REALLY cool!

Turns out it's not really an exposé so much as a rant,though.

I think I'm going to write a letter to Dr. Jack, because he and I have grown apart and not just because of my drinking, but also because somewhere along the way he began to grate my nerves the same way elevator music and my kids bickering does. Here's what I would say:

Dear Dr. Jack,

I understand it is your job to be the show's skeptic and even though you grew up raising all your siblings by yourself on "Party of Five" that's no reason to be such a drag all the time. See the thing is, you have been to a mysterious island that isn't on any maps where there are giant man-eating columns of smoke and unexplained snow bears and Others who were there before you and who wanted to kill you but then didn't, and also your Dad's Ghost© and his body is missing, and planes filled with the Heroin Virgin Mary up in trees and a hatch where you have to type numbers or else the sky turns purple, and also the whole island disappears and time-travels, and every step of the way you've been all "That's impossible." and everyone else is like "Let's run around this island!" and you're all "No." to whatever anyone else says although you seem to always be running around too.

At some point, any rational human being, when exposed to all this weirdness would give up skepticism as a philosophy because every time *I* think "There's no effing way there are any Polar bears here." I am right. And every time you think "There's no way [fucked up thing] can happen." You are wrong. I think I speak for us all when I say stop being so contrary or I'm going to have Ben Linus sneak up on you and steal your kidney because even his back is so evil it's trying to kill him.

Also, the beard was gross. I kept imaging I saw bits of food or a rabbit's leg bone weaved into it*. Thanks for shaving.


* This is a reference to Agrajag. If you don't know who that is, than I feel like I don't even know you, and now it's going to be weird when I ask to borrow money**, so how could you put me through this. Think of ME for a change!

** Also, I would never ask you for money. I would ask where you KEEP your money and certain other craftily worded, security-related questions so that later my team of international sex symbol cat burglars could break into your home and rob you blind. And when you called me to share your lament, I'd be all "That's too bad." and "How did you get this number?" whilst the two sexiest cat burglars make out in a pile of money on the bed behind me.


TrodoMcCracken said...

See, for this exact reason I don't watch Lost. Also, everyone knows Snow bears are real. You just got to believe. Like Field of Dreams except nothing to do with baseball..

Walter said...

To sort of second Trodo's, it's for that exact reason that I stopped watching Lost after season 3. Some shows shouldn't have more than one or two seasons, and this was on of them.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: I Do believe in Snow Bears! I do, I do!

@Walter: I would agree, but season three was a low point. LOST came back STRONG in Season 4. Season 5 has been a mixed bag.

Anna Russell said...

Trodo and Walter are stronger than me. I don't want to be the kind of person who's totally addicted to Lost and goes all "Aww, man! Grrrr!" at the end of every episode because I'm going to explode if I don't get answers.

But damnit, I am.

Jack is so fecking whiney. But hot. But whiney. But really, really, hot. But then so is Sawyer, only he's not so whiney. But he's a redneck. I think they should both have a fight to the death for me because then one of them would be dead so problem solved. And it would stop them fighting over Kate who is already pretty enough without getting Jack AND Sawyer. God should make fairer rules about these things.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I am still annoyed at the end of every episode. But when Jack gets all "I don't believe you" it makes me crazy. I hope Jack and Sawyer go Thunderdome for you and the right one wins. And if it's Jack you tell him "You didn't win so I could talk to you, pretty boy!" every time he tries speaking.

Don said...

Death to the Lost super models Jack, Kate & Sawyer.
Long live Ben, Locke & Hurley!

Char said...

blah...they've lost me now with this season - I'm so ready for it to be resolved and banished to the suckage of when a show jumps the shark.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love LOST right now! I stopped looking for answers this season and it's much easier to take that way. You're right though, when Jack was all, "My father is dead!" I'm like, really. You can't be a little bit flexible at this point?

Balki Bartokomus was also in Beverly Hills Cop. I miss those days when suspenders alone could define you as a "funny person".

Frank said...

Dear Kurt,

We added snow bears because I lost a bet, so it was either shave my head or add snow bears. I could a swore Sammie Davis Jr. was in Star Wars???



Vic said...

I confess I'm totally sucked in to LOST. (I wrote a post about it awhile back - it's like we share a little piece of brain, Kurt! and I'd like that back now, because you've had it a long time.)
What does it say about me that my favorite character is Sayid? He's so tortury and yet you could still have him over for a barbecue.

Brandy Rose said...

I've watched about 2 and 1/2 episodes of Lost, and was completely lost! It don't make no sense to me. Its like a soap opera for night time television. Who's gonna kill who next, who's coming back from the dead, who...I can't sorry.

Kurt said...

@Don: I know, right? Where is jack getting his haircut the whole time he's on the island? I didn't see one Fantastic Sams© anywhere.

@Char: I'm not there yet. I still love it. Just some of the characters (Jack) are getting old.

@SMU,Kid: You forgot "funny accent". That used to be a minimum requirement for hilarity also.

@Frank: I think Jack is back on the pills judging by his response. Yay! Unbalanced Jack is the BEST Jack!

@Vic: You can totally have this piece of your brain back once I've rung all the funniness out of it.

Sayid is like a business-casual mafioso. I would totally invite him over for a BBQ as long as he promised to stay away from the shish-kabob skewers.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: I remember calling my wife (ex- now) after the first episode and being all "This is the coolest thing I've ever seen on TV!"

I can't imagine trying to jump in now. With all the time-travel and back from the dead, and the maybe dead, and the was dead but isn't really it would be like trying to untangle a pair of iPod headphones that have gone through the dryer using only your mind.