Monday, February 23, 2009

Of Wordsmiths and Cavemen

I've been playing this game on Facebook called "Word Challenge" and it's pretty much the Devil because you have like one minute to see how many words you can make from a group of seven letters. Like Boggle© only in a straight line. I suck at this game so bad that it makes my eyes bleed. It's always been this way. Whenever I'm put in a time crunch, my brain totally runs away and doesn't leave a note or a forwarding address and if I happen to look out the window, I can see it jumping into an empty railway car headed for Hoboken with all the other hoboes (Hoboken-Os, if you will).

But that isn't even the evil part. The evil part is that it shows me where I rank amongst my friends who also play this game, and now I totally have to keep at it for fear that they think I have a secret developmental disability and all this blog stuff is just a clever ruse like the guy with the big nose from the Steve Martin movie* who is super-romantic and eloquent but feeds his best stuff to an oaf to trick a girl. And that isn't to say I am opposed to tricking girls, because that's pretty much the only way men ever come off as being impressive, but I'm afraid my inability to find the word "shed"  out of the letters "S-H-I-T-H-E-D" will make me look like an absolute mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, Cro-Mag without the sense to fully club the woman he has just tricked.

AND then  there is the issue of which friends I am willing to be beaten by. Like, "[name] has a better score than me because they do [something smart] for their job at [company name] so it's okay if they beat me.", or" [name] can beat me because they know I'm an idiot savant and that makes my low score acceptable". Or "[name] is aware that I get panicky in time-based situations and if you try and change your order once I get to the drive-thru ordering hole at McDonald's when I think I have your order all squared-away in my head, I will totally panic and I always end up ordering myself a "Filet-O-Fish©" because for some reason that is the default setting for my brain in these circumstances". I don't know how my "go-to"** answer to "What do you want to eat?" ended up being "Filet-O-Fish©"but I do know that it's a motherfucker, because I've come to hate those things, because "How do square fish swim?"

So my point is I am not French and do not have a long nose, and am not a character in a play written by Edmond Eugène Alexis Rostand (1 April 1868 – 2 December 1918)***, I am just a handsome genius who can't think of the word "why" in a pinch and is forcing down another goddamn  fish sandwich because you can't pick between a Big Mac© or a Quarter Pounder© until we're at the effing order-shouting hole.

*I didn't write "Cyrano de Bergerac" because I thought it had one of those fancy "e"s in it with the accent**** that I still haven't learned how to make. In my defense, I have learned the © symbol like a mother.

** If you think I'm making finger-quotes when I write this in my mind, then you are correct and we both need to be stabbed with a pen in the throat. Me, for imagining finger quotes in my head, and you for imaging that I imagine finger quotes in my head, although technically you will have been wrongfully murdered, while I totally had it coming.

***I totally looked this up, so now Wikipedia IS my Cyrano de Bergerac and I am the meathead and you are the girl on the balcony I am trying to trick. Where did I put that club?

**** It doesn't. Shit.


Char said...

I love the movie "roxanne" and the original play. and in the least in roxanne - he ends up with the girl. too bad in cyrano he ends up DEAD. that game kicks my ass regularly.

Anna Russell said...

While we're on the subject, I am not willing to let you beat me. If you do, I'll be all "oh, you bastard" and you'll be all "hehehe". And then I'll punch you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm playing Word Challenge too, and my score is pathetic. I need to find a better mouse and a mousepad without wrinkles, then I will kick ass! I currently kick ass at Who Has the Biggest Brain (the math one) on facebook. I'm #1!

That's a lie. I'm #2. But #1 is a doctor friend of mine, so I'm willing to concede that spot.

My default as a kid was Chicken McNuggets, so much so that it morphed into one word: chicamanaguts. Now that's lazy!

Kurt said...

@Char: I would be the play version. Unless, "getting" then girl equals "failing miserably".

@Anna Russell: This is like a Pub* Owner being threatened by an olive. Your score is so high I don't think I even speak the same language as you.

*I used "pub" rather than "bar" out of respect.

Kurt said...

@SMU,K: I'm totally going to call them chickamanaguts from now on.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Hey guess what people! Kurt has a lastname! Le gasp, I know. He decieved us all.

Vic said...

My brain would jump on a railway car, but it's totally out of shape and the last time it almost fell under the wheels. Luckily it just rolled into the bushes. I think it's there now.

Brandy Rose said...

May current addiction is fb's Twirl. Its pretty much the same thing, except it doesn't matter how many of the small words you get, if you don't get that really long stupid one, you don't get to "move on". How rude.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Have you ever tried to write down all 50 states ona piece of paper?? It is madening!! I can never remember Idaho.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: Zip it, you. Witness Protection, remember?

@Vic:I think a hobo just peed on it. I'll get the garden hose.

@Brandy Rose: That is unacceptable. I need to be able to run away if there are any "h"s involved. Those things are like...invisible.

@SBA:I have. In fact, I had to do it in five minutes on a dare with my daughter. I got 'em. But Idaho and Maryland are tricky. They're the the Bermuda Triangle of States...only in a line.