Wednesday, February 4, 2009

My Stupid 25 Things Reposted Here for Posterity

So I totally did one of those "25 Things About Me" notes on Facebook, and it was a lot of work so this is me reposting  it here. I hope you find me as entertaining as I do. I wrote it in a fit of sleeplessness from 4am-5:20am.  Crime never sleeps, so neither can I. 

1. I don't do tags.

2. That would be the end of my list if I was really funny, but I'm not and I suppose I hold a tiny bit of school yard reverence to the lofty history of the "tag" which is why I'm even bothering with this. I wonder what that says about me psychologically. Probably that I'm awesome. Just a guess.

3. I have a cat named Mr. Spits who is completely blank. I mean REALLY stupid. If you stare into his eyes for long enough it begins to feel like your falling. And one time I did, except it was because I was trying to kick him but I missed because he's wily. <--untrue.

4. I'm going to be making up a lot of these, so you'll just have to try and figure out the real ones. That makes it more like a game. Which is good for you as long it isn't a game like "Operation" which I totally sucked at. Shit. That counts as a random fact. I should have saved it for later.

5. I can shoot people with my mind and start fires like Drew Barrymore before she did coke and then made those stupid effing Charlie's Angels movies, because everyone knows it's not Charlie's Angels without Farah. Where was I? Oh yeah. Mind Bullets. Pew! Pew! Pew!

6.There has never been a time in my life where I didn't watch cartoons. I could be all "Pfft. Yeah, I watch cartoons, because I have kids." but that wouldn't be the truth. I watch them because people get hit in the head with things. And that, to me, is what America is all about. That and porn. <---also untrue, Porn is global.

7. I have a blog called The Monster Apathy and this isn't just a fact, it's a shameless plug for myself. Freedom of speech, Baby. My point is, if you don't read it, you're a pinko bastard. And I'm not trying to be a lawyer or anything but it's probably a violation of my constitutional rights if you are ignoring me.

8. Facebook inspires me to write "effing" instead of the much more natural "fucking" for some reason I can't put my finger on. Maybe because I know all of you for real, but if that were it then you KNOW I would never say "effing" and you must be all "What the Eff is Kurt's problem? Why won't he swear? And why is he so sexy?" I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but you said it, not me. <-- untrue

9. It was 4am when I started writing this, but that's okay. I was having this weird dream about scuba diving for treasure and ended up in a fancy restaurant. Freud said something intelligent about dreams one time, but he had a funny beard, so screw him.

10. I'm pretending to be halfway done at this point, so don't tell me I still have 15 to go or I'll be all "Efffff!". Only I'll say "fuck". (see #8 for details)

11. I am seriously writing a young adult novel about the survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse. Because I believe the children are our future. Well...children and zombies.

12. I can spell "apocalypse" without looking it up because of all the times I've used it in reference to zombies. <-- untrue, I looked it up to be sure I wasn't being super-stupid and bragging about it AND THEN spelling it wrong, but that was only AFTER I had written it twice, so it totally counts.

13. I forget how often I vomit. I'll be all "I haven't thrown up in two years!" and then someone will always say "You just threw up 2 months ago." and then I'll be all "Oh yeah." So obviously, vomiting makes me time travel and I hang out with assholes who won't let me forget when I've puked.

14. I can travel through time.

15. The first thing I watched On-Demand, was an episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter" and it sucked so bad I drove to LA and punched John Travolta in the nuts. <---untrue. But it did suck.

16. I hate Keenu Reeves so much that I like him. Now when I watch "Point Break" I can't figure out if I like it for how bad it is and I'm being ironic, or if I hate it for how much I like it and am just being stupid. Irony is tricky. It's like horseshoes only with your mind.

17. I passed the halfway point a while ago and totally didn't notice, because of how naturally gifted I am at writing. <--- untrue, I totally noticed and when I got done with #12 I was all "THAT was totally the halfway point." so this one is pretty much completely false. Also, 12 is not half of 25.

18.I totally suck at "Operation".Shut up.

19. I have a Star Wars Day-by-Day calendar and the drawing for Groundhog's Day was of the Rancor, and that's totally boss. You might think I was running out of ideas for this stupid list and just looking around the room for things to write about, but you would be totally wrong. And screw you for judging me in the first place. What? You're so great?

20. I used the word "boss" in an email 2 weeks ago and wasn't even trying to be funny. It just slipped out. But in email, nothing ever really slips out. So I guess I wrote it on purpose and was trying to get a laugh. Why am I so effing needy? (see #8)

21. I am totally not needy and carry around no baggage. I am so unbelievably awesome that when you line up all the awesome things in the world by order of bossness, I would be the effing line leader. I would walk all of us to art class in a quiet. orderly, single file line and make such a cool drawing using construction paper and glitter and glue that the art teacher would rip off her clothes and she's really Megan whatserface from the Transformer movie and she wants to have sex but I say "No." because I'm so cool. And then guitars wail in the background and an eagle flies by and it's screaming and two unicorns break through the wall and start having sex and it's the best day ever because that was TOTALLY the subject of my glitter drawing.

22. I'm getting tired and silly.

23.My alarm is going to go off in 30 minutes.

24. I really think 21 was pretty much the pinnacle of my career as a writer and maybe now I should sit back on my laurels and wait for the book deals to come rolling in. Here's one now. It's labeled "occupant".

25. I am too lazy to spell check. This is especially clever because now if you go back and read this and find a spelling error you can be all "He wasn't kidding about the spell check." and then you can smile and shake your head and think "That Kurt! He's such a clever, sexy, genius who can time travel and shoot bullets with his mind. What would we do without him? I better go subscribe to him at http://"


Brandy Rose said...

Where should I start? Let's see,
Cartoons are awesome.
Preparing our children for the obvious future zombies will someday make you a hero.
And I've been told puke is a crude word and that I shouldn't use it. But puking isn't exactly a pretty activity, so I think puke is totally appropriate vocabulary.

Vic said...

What my admiration for your cerebral back-flip/trip-lutz combination does to me is this: I try to type and my fingers are all like when you can't think of anything to say and you open your mouth and it's just a slow air leakage. Only with my hands.

TrodoMcCracken said...

You know how you bragged about making up lies to make it to the 25? It totally defeats the purpose when you point them out. Way to ruin the game.

Anna Russell said...

No, no, YOU're boss.

I'm giving in on Facebook and going to do one of these because I've been tagged in so many of them. It will come in handy for a blog bost.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: Someday? I think that day has arrived.

@Vic: That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has never said to me before. (because you TYPED it!)

@Trodo: I never said what the rules were. -50 points for correcting me.

@Anna Russell: It does come in handy. You can be all "Look what I wrote!". Only TWICE.

TrodoMcCracken said...

But +100 points for throwing glitter at random homeless children?

Char said...

nice......don't bogart, pass it on

Lori said...

You are hilarious on two hours of sleep and 5 ho-hos. You can pretend you didn't eat the ho-hos, but I KNOW.<----totally true.
Snow Bears do not eat cats. Look it up.
Effin sucks it.