There is so little wonderment involved in laundry that if Mickey Mouse somehow magically came out of the TV set and wanted to take the kids on the adventure of a lifetime*, as soon as he stuck his stupid rat head through the screen it would be amputated by the lack of magic and then the kids would get all screamy and run around in circles and the cats would go apeshit and bat his bloody mouse head around and I would have to make them stop it and who can afford those psychiatry bills? Not me. That's who. I wish Mickey Mouse would keep his head to himself. Although I am glad that the magic TV technology is not available to zombies because who needs THAT headache when I have mountains of dirty underwear to use my ancient chinese secret on. And I totally had to look that up as soon as I wrote it because I wasn't sure it was a clothes washing reference and it was, so I'm a superhero.**
Also, Laundry sucks because it takes for-ev-errrr. I could totally solve all the world's financial problems if I didn't have to waste the endless hours washing, drying, folding and sorting clothes. And only some of them are mine! I know, right? That is injustice on such a grand scale that it has taken everything in my power to keep the Supreme Court focused on cases that impact our nation. I'm all "Hey Chief Justice Whats-yer-name. I appreciate you stopping by, but really it's just laundry and I can handle it. And shouldn't you be in Washington right now? That robe looks hot. Are you wearing anything under there?" and he says "Under where?" and we both laugh hard because he said "underwear" and it also implies that's all he's wearing, and pulling off such elaborate jokes on distinguished members of our government is pretty much a God-given gift of mine. It's not a superpower but it's close.
Yeah. I'm totally stalling.
* Did you ever notice that every Disney movie features the phrase "adventure of a lifetime" in the preview voice-over? They are all "A dog, a kangaroo, and a dill pickle must battle the odds and set off on the adventure of a lifetime!" and then I'm all "Whose lifetime? Not mine, because I've sat through dozens of these motherfuckers. " And then the kids looks at me funny for swearing and I tell them it's okay because I've been drinking.
** According to the commercial Calgon© only got clothes 30% cleaner and that's pretty awful if you ask me. And that "Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?" lady needs a punch in the doudenum***, but not by me because I save all my moves for the dance floor.
***I've been using "doudenum" a lot in sentences involving punching lately, and I don't know why. This is a rare glimpse into my personal life so if you aren't honored than you're doing something wrong.