Wednesday, February 18, 2009

LMA (Least Magical Activity)

I woke up to the prospect of laundry and there is nothing that kills dreams of vampire space-hookers with glowing eyes quicker than laundry. One minute your being propositioned by some glowy-eyed vixen in the uncharted depth of deep space and the next your contemplating whether or not you have any clean socks to wear.It is the least magical activity I can think of, is my point.

There is so little wonderment involved in laundry that if Mickey Mouse somehow magically came out of the TV set and wanted to take the kids on the adventure of a lifetime*, as soon as he stuck his stupid rat head through the screen it would be amputated by the lack of magic and then the kids would get all screamy and run around in circles and the cats would go apeshit and bat his bloody mouse head around and I would have to make them stop it and who can afford those psychiatry bills? Not me. That's who. I wish Mickey Mouse would keep his head to himself. Although I am glad that the magic TV technology is not available to zombies because who needs THAT headache when I have mountains of dirty underwear to use my ancient chinese secret on. And I totally had to look that up as soon as I wrote it because I wasn't sure it was a clothes washing reference and it was, so I'm a superhero.**

Also, Laundry sucks because it takes for-ev-errrr. I could totally solve all the world's financial problems if I didn't have to waste the endless hours washing, drying, folding and sorting clothes. And only some of them are mine! I know, right? That is injustice on such a grand scale that it has taken everything in my power to keep the Supreme Court focused on cases that impact our nation. I'm all "Hey Chief Justice Whats-yer-name. I appreciate you stopping by, but really it's just laundry and I can handle it. And shouldn't you be in Washington right now? That robe looks hot. Are you wearing anything under there?" and he says "Under where?" and we both laugh hard because he said "underwear" and it also implies that's all he's wearing, and pulling off such elaborate jokes on distinguished members of our government is pretty much a God-given gift of mine. It's not a superpower but it's close.

Yeah. I'm totally stalling.

When doing a Google Search for "Ancient Chinese Secret", porn is like 4 pictures away.

* Did you ever notice that every Disney movie features the phrase "adventure of a lifetime" in the preview voice-over? They are all "A dog, a kangaroo, and a dill pickle must battle the odds and set off on the adventure of a lifetime!" and then I'm all "Whose lifetime? Not mine, because I've sat through dozens of these motherfuckers. " And then the kids looks at me funny for swearing and I tell them it's okay because I've been drinking.

** According to the commercial Calgon© only got clothes 30% cleaner and that's pretty awful if you ask me. And that "Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?" lady needs a punch in the doudenum***, but not by me because I save all my moves for the dance floor.

***I've been using "doudenum" a lot in sentences involving punching lately, and I don't know why. This is a rare glimpse into my personal life so if you aren't honored than you're doing something wrong.


Char said...

I just made my todo list today. It's also sucking the magic out of my life too. *sigh* not fun.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I hear Meth gives you magic powers. Just saying.

Kurt said...

@Char: That's why I never make lists, it's just evidence of what I didn't do later.

@Trodo: It totally does. If by "magic powers" you mean the insane need to eat broken glass and punch babies.

Vic said...

We have no laundry at my house. I think they all throw the dirty clothes away, maybe out the window,because when I ask "Do you have anything to wash?" they all blink in surprise at the thought and run away.
We are earthy people.

Also I want to engage in juvenile banter with Supreme Court Justices.

Brandy Rose said...

The pic is creeping me out. That chick has psycho eyes.

Anna Russell said...

It totally is magical. How else do you explain the missing socks?

Anna xxx

PS - Folding and sorting? Is this some new-fangled thingy I've never heard of? Sounds like trouble.

Prosy on Toast said...

do you do your laundry at your house, or do you have to go to the laundrymat? Because I've always wanted to go to the laundrymat and wash my clothes because in movies it is always portrayed as such a cool fun place, plus a good place to pick up chicks and/or guys.
But if you are doing laundry at your house I can see how that is undesirable. Don't you have a girlfriend or something to do that for you?

Kurt said...

@Vic: Heh. My kids do the same thing except they know if they hide their clothes they have to spend more time in "The Box".

@Brandy Rose: I think it's the pigtails that make her look nutty.

@Anna Russell: Sock disappearances can totally be explained by science. It's aliens.

@Prosy: I totally have a girlfriend who would do it if I asked, but I wouldn't ask because she's so busy fighting crime and being a sexy provocateur. I wash them at my ex- wife's house when she's not home because of that stupid misunderstanding at the laundymat with that co-ed who was totally hitting on me even though she CLAIMS she was just folding her underwear.