Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Letter of Complaint: Vitamins

Dear Vitamin People,

I wanted to drop you a note about a curious thing that happened the last time I took one of your "Total Man© Formula" vitamins. I'm not normally one to write to complain but in this instance I think it makes total sense and I am using superior reasoning and you should just sit back and listen because your response to this will pretty much decide whether or not I put you in jail for a thousand years so that even your bones have to be in jail.

I'm onto you, is my point.

You see, I've been fighting a cold, so naturally, being a Total Man©, I turned to your vitamins to get me over the hump. And if any of you executive-types laughed at my using the word "hump" it just goes to show how immature you are and that's probably why I am suffering, so good job that just cost you a million dollars. Keep laughing d-bags! Anyway(s) I took your vitamins to protect me from the germs and the bacteria and the microbes and whatnot and also from witchcraft because I read somewhere that Vitamin B is good for keeping off the hexes* , but I swallowed wrong and the pill touched my tongue and this is the part that's going to cost you so listen up.

It totally tasted like a Milkbone© brand dog biscuit.

The thing is, I have never tasted a Milkbone© brand dog biscuit, that I can remember, so how is it that I know what that even means? I'll tell you how. You hypnotized me and made me eat dog biscuits, that's how. And that sir, is really effed up. Why would you do that? I think there is seriously something wrong with you, like maybe your mom used to tie you to the vacuum cleaner in the closet so she could have illicit sex with hoboes without being disturbed by you, you little bastard or something** or maybe you had Dengue Fever as a child and it destroyed the part of your brain that allows you to discern right from wrong and now you travel through this world as a haunted shell of a person, unable to feel and you capture women and put them in your van and make them put lotion on their skin but don't get cocky because here comes Clarice Starling, you prick.

I don't know why you would choose me to hypnotize or why you made me eat dog biscuits or why you subsequently chose to make your Total Man Vitamins taste like them, but the gig is up. If I don't get a whole bunch of money delivered to my house in like the next 15 seconds I am totally going to the cops. And don't try any voodoo either because I have a friend at the paper and if he doesn't hear from me in the next hour, he's going to open the package I sent him and then you are going down for sure.***


ps: Taking more than the recommended dosage of your vitamins does not imbue the customer with super-powers, so that's pretty much false advertising and that's going to cost you extra.

pps: I just checked Wikipedia and this doesn't qualify as extortion because "Extortion requires that the individual sent the message "willingly" and "knowingly" as elements of the crime" and I think we can both agree that I'm not willingly sending this. Your Dog Biscuit Gambit forced my hand.

* To be fair I read about that in my mind, so while it doesn't have strict empirical evidence backing it, I think we can all agree that I'm never wrong. Zing! That's another million!

** This scenario never happened to me, and it's just a coincidence how many "uncles" I have with the words "banjo", "rails", or "dirtypants" in their names.

*** My contact at the paper may or may not be the drunk guy who sleeps on their stoop at night and thinks that it is 1956 and also that aliens live in his teeth and are biting his tongue on purpose as they are trying to devour him. Also, the package does not contain some string I found and a half-eaten Pop Tart©, it contains all manner of really damning evidence and many documents so pay up.


Gabby said...

Try TotalDog©,a product I have used with great success. While the six-tablet-per-sitting dosage did little to palliate my hip dispasia, I found that, chased by a full bowl of water, TotalDog© did significantly calm my imperious desire to urinate on the tires of passing cars, or to run along neighborhood lawns under the waxing moon, ferreting out distinct urine markings at the base of thorny rose bushes--both actions severely hampering my choice to live like a total man's best friend.

TrodoMcCracken said...

This is why I told you to go with the ones that could push you over 9000! Instead of tasting like dog biscuits, it tastes like meth. Because it probably was meth. Either way, it would have forced you to eat alot more interesting stuff then dog biscuits. Like, a five year old perhaps.

Prosy said...

I just started taking vitamins like two days ago, and they have that nasty aftertaste, like hours later.

For someone who has never tasted a milkbone, you are suspiciously well informed about their flavor.

Char said...

uhmmm biscuits. it's that nasty iron stuff

Kurt said...

@Gabby: Thanks for the tip! I will try this and hope it leads to my humping people's legs and when they threaten to call the police I'll shout "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!"

@Trodo: Meth tastes like farts. It's the whole reason I had shut down my lab. Pee-Eww!

@Prosy: That's what I'm saying! I must have tasted them at some point, but since I don't remember I'm blaming the Vitamin people instead of the copious amount of weed I smoked in college.

@Char: Heh. I don't know why you know what I'm talking about, but that's just funny.

Lori said...

I bet you made your brother eat dog biscuits. Ask him what they taste lie.
And how can you mention Clarice without giving me an in for the line?

Ah fuck it.


Vic said...

And here I was under the impression you were already a Total Man. Have some pieces gone missing? Probably that's the problem; the vitamins only taste like dog biscuits to guys who don't need the extra parts. If you were a Partial Man, you would taste strawberries, and sparks would fly out of your mouth.

Moonkee said...

If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times. Do not trust any vitamin that is not *shaped like a dinosaur.*

Miss Yvonne said...

I would have thought a product called Total Man would taste entirely different.

Mmmmmm, total man taste....

I love that you signed it "Hugs, Kurt". Classic.

Kurt said...

@Lori: He ate dog biscuits without provocation. I can take no responsibility.

@Vic: I wish sparks would fly out anyway(s). Because then, at the drive-through, they'd be all "Would you like a drink tray?" and i'd be all "Raaaawwrrr!!!" and it would freak them out and then I'd laugh and drive away.

@Moonkee: I think most things would be better if they were dinosaur-shaped. Like cars. How awesome would it be to drive around in a Pachycephalosaurus ("Thick-Headed Lizard")? Completely awesome, that's how.

@Miss Yvonne: If they tasted like actual total man the ingredients would be hair, BO, porn, and unkempt-ness and that's not a recipe for anything other than disaster.

I had to sign off nice. That way they feel guilty.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Let me just say, SIR, that sex with hobo(e)s* is never illicit, as you suggest. It is an act of love between two consenting adults, one of whom may or may not be named Dirtypants but who is a tender lover regardless.

*I use both forms at once, as I don't want to appeal only to classy bloggers (like you, and also British people) at the risk of alienating Joe Six Pack.

Kurt said...

@SMU,K: I always suspected Uncle Dirtypants was a tender spirit. He was the only one who took the time to throw up BEHIND the toilet instead of all over the seat.

Star Kicker said...

I had Dengue Fever last fall, and so I can vouch for it damaging the brain. Maybe I can be your expert witness on that topic.

To continue to be helpful, I've accidentally eaten a dog biscuit here and there. They taste a lot like vitamins. And mouse poop.

Kurt said...

@Star Kicker: If loving that comment is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

My knowledge of Dengue Fever is encyclopedic because I looked it up on Wikipedia and when I didn't understand any of the words I went and looked at porn for like 6 HOURS. Thus... encyclopedic.