I wanted to drop you a note about a curious thing that happened the last time I took one of your "Total Man© Formula" vitamins. I'm not normally one to write to complain but in this instance I think it makes total sense and I am using superior reasoning and you should just sit back and listen because your response to this will pretty much decide whether or not I put you in jail for a thousand years so that even your bones have to be in jail.
I'm onto you, is my point.
You see, I've been fighting a cold, so naturally, being a Total Man©, I turned to your vitamins to get me over the hump. And if any of you executive-types laughed at my using the word "hump" it just goes to show how immature you are and that's probably why I am suffering, so good job that just cost you a million dollars. Keep laughing d-bags! Anyway(s) I took your vitamins to protect me from the germs and the bacteria and the microbes and whatnot and also from witchcraft because I read somewhere that Vitamin B is good for keeping off the hexes* , but I swallowed wrong and the pill touched my tongue and this is the part that's going to cost you so listen up.
It totally tasted like a Milkbone© brand dog biscuit.
The thing is, I have never tasted a Milkbone© brand dog biscuit, that I can remember, so how is it that I know what that even means? I'll tell you how. You hypnotized me and made me eat dog biscuits, that's how. And that sir, is really effed up. Why would you do that? I think there is seriously something wrong with you, like maybe your mom used to tie you to the vacuum cleaner in the closet so she could have illicit sex with hoboes without being disturbed by you, you little bastard or something** or maybe you had Dengue Fever as a child and it destroyed the part of your brain that allows you to discern right from wrong and now you travel through this world as a haunted shell of a person, unable to feel and you capture women and put them in your van and make them put lotion on their skin but don't get cocky because here comes Clarice Starling, you prick.
I don't know why you would choose me to hypnotize or why you made me eat dog biscuits or why you subsequently chose to make your Total Man Vitamins taste like them, but the gig is up. If I don't get a whole bunch of money delivered to my house in like the next 15 seconds I am totally going to the cops. And don't try any voodoo either because I have a friend at the paper and if he doesn't hear from me in the next hour, he's going to open the package I sent him and then you are going down for sure.***
ps: Taking more than the recommended dosage of your vitamins does not imbue the customer with super-powers, so that's pretty much false advertising and that's going to cost you extra.
pps: I just checked Wikipedia and this doesn't qualify as extortion because "Extortion requires that the individual sent the message "willingly" and "knowingly" as elements of the crime" and I think we can both agree that I'm not willingly sending this. Your Dog Biscuit Gambit forced my hand.
* To be fair I read about that in my mind, so while it doesn't have strict empirical evidence backing it, I think we can all agree that I'm never wrong. Zing! That's another million!
** This scenario never happened to me, and it's just a coincidence how many "uncles" I have with the words "banjo", "rails", or "dirtypants" in their names.
*** My contact at the paper may or may not be the drunk guy who sleeps on their stoop at night and thinks that it is 1956 and also that aliens live in his teeth and are biting his tongue on purpose as they are trying to devour him. Also, the package does not contain some string I found and a half-eaten Pop Tart©, it contains all manner of really damning evidence and many documents so pay up.