Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Let's Pretend this One Isn't About Boobies, But Rather Philosophy

I just started to write this whole blog and it was all about unemployment and Pop Tarts and weeping, but I decided that I didn't want to be depressing because I am a positive person and if I wrote about all of that stuff at 6am maybe you would read it and want to go back to bed because I sure as hell did, so instead I think I'll write about porn.

Hattori Hanso: You can't write about porn. This is a family blog.
Me: Says who? And besides porn IS a family topic. Everyone likes porn.
HH: That's not true. Some people downright hate it.
Me: Wait...what?
HH: It's true. Some people find it to be disgusting.
Me: Even WITH the boobies?
HH: BECAUSE of the boobies.
Me: How can anyone hate boobies? They are like... magical givers of life. That's like hating unicorns or God or pixie dust or a really good cherry pie.
HH: Some people find them offensive.
Me: Some people are jerks. If I could make one holiday it would be The International Day of Boobies and everyone could run around topless and there could be a big boob-themed parade* and boob hats, and boob shirts and boob cakes and everyone would have to drink milk all day unless you are lactose intolerant... Hey! Maybe THAT'S why some people hate boobies!
HH: Because they are lactose intolerant?
Me: Right! Like, looking at boobs triggers some sort of allergic reaction!
HH: I don't think that's why.
Me: It's the only thing that makes sense, damn it! Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here but there are limits to what even my intellect can tolerate.
HH: And people not liking porn is on that list?
Me: Your MOM is on that list.
HH: We have the same mom, because I'm pretend so this insult pretty much makes no sense.
Me: Your MOM makes no sense.

I just did a search for "International Breast Day" and there wasn't one except for ones relating to Breast Cancer Awareness, which isn't even a little funny, and is totally a charity we should all support, and then I did a search for "International Boob Day" and it said "Did you mean International BOOK day?" and I was all "NO!" so apparently Google is one of those people who hate porn and now I hate them, except it's Google so really I love them. 

When you search for anything with the word "boob" in it you get some crazy results and then I remembered that my Moderate Safe Search filter was off from the other day when I was looking up vaguely dirty words like "dink" to see how long it took me to find porn, because I am an amazing scientist and I always am doing research to better mankind, and the sad thing is, this is a true story.

A knitted Boobie hat from Etsy by someone calling themselves KinkyCrochet

* I mean a parade of large size celebrating boobs, not a parade devoted solely to big boobs because that's racist or something and I'm not that fussy.


TrodoMcCracken said...

This is the most philosphical bost about Boobs I have ever read. What happens if a person who has boobs (like me) is also Lactose Intolerant (like me)? Does that mean they are possibly going to explode from the chest? Inquiring minds (like me) need to know!

Also, you should still write that post about poptarts and weeping.

Fandango said...

I wish some people had a safe search filter setting on them so you could turn on and off their appropriateness. If you were at a funeral or church service for instance, you could turn it off unless you were trying to add levity to the situation. And then... when you got in to the bedroom, the filter comes off. I think this idea has legs.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I spit my yogurt out reading that right into my tea...thanks for that! : )

Kurt said...

@Trodo: But you are probably not allergic to the CONCEPT of boobies, so you should be okay. I think the people who are freaked out by them want to deny their existence and that is violating one of the Ten Commandments, I think.

@Fandango: I think this is a fantastic idea, and next week when I go to church I am going to print my own bulletins that are all sweary and when we get to the recessional hymn everyone will start singing "Uncle Fucker" from South Park and what a grand day that will be.

@Sarah's BA: I win! :)

Prosy said...

When I was in college we had a 'boob day'-- I think it was for breast cancer though. But everyone had t-shirts that said 'save the boobies' with a picture of boobs on it. Maybe you still can get one of those.

i-am-solid said...

I so wish you'd found that boob hat a week ago when I could have bought it in time for Mardi Gras. Boobs make the world go 'round...

Vic said...

I have a big crush on Hattori Hanso, even if he is a little uptight. Maybe if you bought him the boobie hat he would loosen up.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: When I was in college we had a boob day too, it was every day. Because that was how often we thought about them.

@I-am-solid: I wish I had been known to do a search for "boob hat" earlier also. Like in 1993.

@Vic: He is too uptight. But I'll tell him you said so.

Anna Russell said...

Hehe. You said boobies. Hehe.

The boobie hat looks like an ice cream cone.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

@ Anna Russell: Your comment best mirrors my entire thought process as I wrote this.

Brandy Rose said...

Boobies! boobs, tits, titties, chichis, melons, fun bags, knockers, breasts, bosom, tatas, hooters...ok, I'll stop...

Kurt said...

@ Brandy Rose: I just giggled so hard my ear fell off. <---untrue.

Lori said...

In Canada, you could have handed this in as your thesis and get a Doctorate of Boobness.

(I figured I'd insult my country before you do)

And like Anna said, you said boobs. heh.

Kurt said...

@Lori: In Canada, I can hand them a can of Tuna and they would think I was King Neptune, Ruler of Atlantis.

Miss Yvonne said...

My husband would be the first one lined up for the big boob-theme parade. He says he doesn't know how I get anything done all day with "those things" attached to my chest...because if it were him, he'd pretty much stay home and fondle himself.

Kurt said...

@ Miss Yvonne: I would totally stand in the cold to watch the Boob Parade go by. Hell, I'd stand in an oven if they had one in there.

Char said...

save the ta-tas is always a good charity. I have that teeshirt.

but otherwise - boobie porn does nothing for me....

Kurt said...

Um...yeah...me neither?