Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Let's Pretend This Isn't Another One About Zombies


It's Wednesday and that means my brother is totally going to come over and watch another zombie movie with me and I'm sure one day we'll be able to look back at this and laugh, and maybe that day will even be today if we have enough Seven-and-Sevens, and he'll be all "HAHAHAHA! Remember back when we were poor and unemployed and spent the afternoons eating cold pizza and watching bad zombie movies?" and I'll be all "Pass me another roll of Infinity-dollar bills, mine has gone out!" and then he'll be all "Here, you can light it with this lighter I made out of a melted-down Faberge Egg." and I'll be all "Hahahaha!" and he'll be all "Hahahaha!" and the whole rest of the world will hate us except for our harem of bikini supermodels.

So maybe you're thinking that we have a whole bunch of intelligent discourse while we are watching these things, to counterbalance the inherent idiocy of the premise. Well, I'm sorry but you're wrong. Here's how our conversations go.

Me: He's wandering alone in the dark, he must be super-safe.
Him: Yeah. What could happen?
Me: He could stub his toe.
Him: Those look like safety shoes, I think he'll be okay.
Me: You know what would be awesome? If it suddenly turned out he had anti-zombie powers like bite-proof skin and super-strength, so that when he's jumped, they all swarm in and you can't see him and then POW! the zombies all go flying and he's pulling off legs and beating them with the legs and he can fly and...
Him: Shut up, here comes the gross part.
(*gross part*)
Me: Shit. He didn't have any anti-zombie powers at all.
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me:...
Him: He wasn't very clean. I hope the zombies don't get E. Coli.
Me: Can zombies *get* E. Coli?
Him: I don't know. I sorta doubt it.
Me: I bet they are carriers though. All that uncooked meat...
Him: How bad would that suck? Like, on top of being bitten by a zombie and knowing you are about to die and join the legions of shambling, reanimated dead, you get a wicked tummy ache and diarrhea.
Me: That would totally suck.

You see? How can we not be working somewhere. That's pretty much humanity's inhumanity to humanity if you ask me. Pass the Corn nuts.


ps: We were totally going to work on world peace this week but then he found a copy of "Land of the Dead" and I haven't seen it yet because I am a staunch advocate of the earlier Romero imagining of zombies and feel that the modernist version of the zombie apocalypse as seen in "28 Days Later" and the "Day of the Dead" remake lacks the visceral horror that can be felt when watching a horde of slow-moving undead overrun a fortified stronghold. The essential social critique of the mindless masses devouring the last remnants of humanity due to some fatal human flaw like greed or avarice is lost in these works. Plus, they aren't nearly as gross.

pps: Now I totally want bite-proof skin.

17 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

You seem to be a Zombacist as in you totally hate Zombies. They're people too, Kurt, dead people but still people. They've got families they've got to feed with the flesh of the living. And probably have like a kid that is going down the wrong path by not eating flesh and it makes the Zombie all stressed out and it strains his relationship with his son and then peoeple like you come along and totally chop their faces off with a chainsaw. As if they didn't have enough issues.

Kurt said...

Leave it to you to pull the Zombicist card. I say let the little vegetarian zombie be who he is, and stop trying to force your outdated "flesh-eating" on him. What is this? 1950?

TrodoMcCracken said...

As someone who was born in the 1950's and who has a "professional" "opinion" I think it's unwise to allow a Fleshetarian Zombie to exsist. Yeah, he may be able to hold out for a few years by not eating human flesh but eventually the stress of it will snap and BAM! There goes the whole population of Kurtvania.

Maelstrom said...

Seen Shaun of the Dead? I found it pretty amusing. You just don't see any good zombie movies anymore.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: Shaun of the Dead is my favorite movie of all-time,maybe. And luckily for us "Good" isn't a requirement we have for Zombie-movie Wednesdays.

Char said...

I want bite proof skin too - I think it will come in handy during the job hunt.

Anna Russell said...

You know what was just wrong? 28 Weeks Later. Even with a Scot in the leading role. Terrible, terrible film.

I'm a vegetarian so I think zombies should not eat me on the grounds that I don't eat flesh and probably taste like broccoli. I don't know how to spell brocolli. I think the first attempt might have been right.

I want a zombie movie Wednesday. Can I come over?

Kurt said...

@Char: I just keep a vial of holy water close at hand...in case.

@Anna Russell: Well I think zombies would see the increased nutritional value and go for the vegetarians first.

And by that I mean, I would run away and leave you to be eaten and then you would be immune but still a carrier, and lo...we've lived out 28 Weeks Later without the eyeball gouging because that was gross.

And you can totally come over, as long as you bring "crisps" and whatever the Scottish word for "dip" is.

Anna Russell said...

The Scottish for dip is "Entrails of the cowardly bastard who ran away and left me to die". Or, y'know, houmus.

Kurt said...

Heh. I knew there was a reason I liked hummus. It's full of cowardly goodness.

Vic said...

I disagree about zombies going for the vegetarians first, because what's the point, they're just hungry again an hour later. Carnivore victims are like a meat-lovers pizza with the sausage AND the bacon AND the pepperoni. Meat-eaters stick to the ribs, is what I'm trying to say.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Corn Nuts? Oh my god now I am craving corn nuts. Damn you!

Kurt said...

@Vic: I think my brother would be beautifully marbled. We talked about it once, and decided he would definitely be more delicious than I would be.

@Sarah: I'm not sure I've ever eaten a Corn Nut. It's just so much fun to say. Also, it sounds filthy.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The zombie diet© is a lot like the Zone© diet. I hope Hollywood doesn't catch on, cause I'm pretty close to Hollywood and I get confused, panic, and run into dark enclosed corners when scared. Im screwed.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: Yeah, corners are a bad idea. The last thing we need is for "rising from the crypt" to become trendy.

Frank said...

Zombies with Diarrhea, that’s funny but it makes me wonder… I never see zombies with mops and brooms, so who would clean up that MESS. Not me. I’m not bending over with my back exposed, like a hooker with a tramp stamp, just begging for some zombie to jump me. Plus, I know your chart doesn’t show it, probably because it is common knowledge, but the back straps would are prime, tender, zombie lovin meat.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Never use a mop that you ever plan on reusing on diarrhea, and never turn your back on a zombie. Two rules that have served me well.