Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Let's Pretend This Isn't Another One About Zombies
It's Wednesday and that means my brother is totally going to come over and watch another zombie movie with me and I'm sure one day we'll be able to look back at this and laugh, and maybe that day will even be today if we have enough Seven-and-Sevens, and he'll be all "HAHAHAHA! Remember back when we were poor and unemployed and spent the afternoons eating cold pizza and watching bad zombie movies?" and I'll be all "Pass me another roll of Infinity-dollar bills, mine has gone out!" and then he'll be all "Here, you can light it with this lighter I made out of a melted-down Faberge Egg." and I'll be all "Hahahaha!" and he'll be all "Hahahaha!" and the whole rest of the world will hate us except for our harem of bikini supermodels.
So maybe you're thinking that we have a whole bunch of intelligent discourse while we are watching these things, to counterbalance the inherent idiocy of the premise. Well, I'm sorry but you're wrong. Here's how our conversations go.
Me: He's wandering alone in the dark, he must be super-safe.
Him: Yeah. What could happen?
Me: He could stub his toe.
Him: Those look like safety shoes, I think he'll be okay.
Me: You know what would be awesome? If it suddenly turned out he had anti-zombie powers like bite-proof skin and super-strength, so that when he's jumped, they all swarm in and you can't see him and then POW! the zombies all go flying and he's pulling off legs and beating them with the legs and he can fly and...
Him: Shut up, here comes the gross part.
Me: Shit. He didn't have any anti-zombie powers at all.
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Him: He wasn't very clean. I hope the zombies don't get E. Coli.
Me: Can zombies *get* E. Coli?
Him: I don't know. I sorta doubt it.
Me: I bet they are carriers though. All that uncooked meat...
Him: How bad would that suck? Like, on top of being bitten by a zombie and knowing you are about to die and join the legions of shambling, reanimated dead, you get a wicked tummy ache and diarrhea.
Me: That would totally suck.
You see? How can we not be working somewhere. That's pretty much humanity's inhumanity to humanity if you ask me. Pass the Corn nuts.
ps: We were totally going to work on world peace this week but then he found a copy of "Land of the Dead" and I haven't seen it yet because I am a staunch advocate of the earlier Romero imagining of zombies and feel that the modernist version of the zombie apocalypse as seen in "28 Days Later" and the "Day of the Dead" remake lacks the visceral horror that can be felt when watching a horde of slow-moving undead overrun a fortified stronghold. The essential social critique of the mindless masses devouring the last remnants of humanity due to some fatal human flaw like greed or avarice is lost in these works. Plus, they aren't nearly as gross.
pps: Now I totally want bite-proof skin.