Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Joblessness is next to Godliness (That's in the Bible...Look It Up!)

I have now applied to like 1000 jobs and I haven't had even a nibble on my resume except for the one guy who wanted me to commute 50 hours a day for 3 bucks an hour selling rabies to orphans or something, so I'm not doing THAT because if orphans can't contract rabies on their own, that's their problem. I've been reviewing my resume and I'm pretty sure it's good. There's a ton of really awesome  stuff in there that should totally help me land a dream job. 

I don't get it.

Seriously, if you opened up a resume that was folded up like a pirate hat and glitter shot out all over the place, that candidate would like HAVE the job, right? That's what I said! Also, I sprayed the stupid thing with like a gallon of "Axe" so now all the secretaries will be super-horny for me when I come in  just like in those commercials, and their pure animal needs will be the tipping force in my being hired for Supreme Chancellor of Awesomeness or whatever. Here's how I imagine it would go:

Interviewer Person: Won't you come in, Mr. Kurt.
Me: That's what she said.
IP: Good One! Have a seat. 
Me: I'll take yours! (because they like when you're confident.)
IP: Um...okay.
Me: Let's get started, shall we.
IP: Yes. Let's. It says here that you were "Head Astronaut and Laser Cannon Operator" on the Millenium Falcon. I thought that was pretend.
Me: Lots of people make that mistake. George Lucas is actually wanted for treason because of all the secrets he gave away.
IP: You weren't there long.
Me: Well once we blew up the second Death Star there wasn't much to do, was there? I mean, I was a war hero. It's all in there.
IP: Yes, I see. It says here you were awarded "like infinty purple hearts" and then you drew in a long line of hearts with a violet crayon. 
Me:I was just trying to help you in case you were a visual learner.
IP: How considerate.
Me: Well you don't get the Nobel Prize for Coolness by being a dickweed.
IP: You don't, at that.  
Me: Can I have some of this sandwich?
IP: Help yourself. Now under "Goals" you have listed "invisibility". Would you mind talking about that a little.
Me: Well, everyone knows the the main superpower everyone wants is flying, but with invisibility you have a better chance of watching people have sex, so that's a huge plus.
IP: I see. 
Me: NO! You wouldn't! Because I would be invisible! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA
IP: I don't think I need any more time, you're hired. We rarely get such a handsome candidate in here anyway(s).
Me: I thought you couldn't be biased.
IP: Lucky for you "Handsomeness" isn't a race, color,creed, religion, sexual orientation, or whatever else.  
IP: Here's your signing bonus. 
Me: A billion dollars cash and an invisible jet! You shouldn't have.
IP: Here at Disney we believe a dream is a wish your heart makes.


Char said...

so, you're saying I need to buy a can, bottle, gallon .... of Axe?

Kurt said...

No. It didn't even work. Those secretaries must be smell-deaf or whatever.

Brandy Rose said...

Telekinesis is the best superpower, not flying.

Kurt said...

Pfft. Your mind bullets don't frighten me.

ps: This blog was almost totally about mind bullets. See my next post for details.

Anna Russell said...

Invisibility is the superpower I would choose too. So much fun to be had.

I will give you a job as chief nap inspector. You must nap in such a winning way that it shows the rest of us how it should be done.

I can't afford to pay you, but you can have all the Pop Tarts you like (well, 2 a day). You have to feed Hattori Hanzo yourself though.

Anna xxx

Lori said...

You'll look so pretty as sleeping beauty in your hyperbolic tube for 8 hours a day.



Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I'm glad you didn't hop on the mind bullet bandwagon. Napping is what I do best! Me and Hattori will head over directly. Where's the bus to Europe leave from?

@Lori: Calling people names turns you into a cabbage. That's what the Disney people told me, anyway(s).

Vic said...

The Axe is a calculated risk, my friend. What if you DID get the job? Lust- crazed secretaries and paperwork together are a Molotov cocktail. Your benefits would be all screwed up.

You and Hattori - Tweedledum and Tweedledee?

Kurt said...

Good point. I would totally get like the worst benefit package because every time I said "package" they would get all giggly and distracted. More like TweedleDipshit and Tweedlejackass.

Vic said...

Dammit. I want to follow you. But I already am. Dammit.

amy said...

I don't have a job.
I don't have a job.
I don't have a job.
I interviewed for lots o' jobs.
I don't have a job.
I want to punch small animals like in the careerbuilder commercial.
Careerbuilder is a crock o' shit.
I hate everyone. Including my mother as she sits downstairs in the wheelchair she's been in for 2 months. She fell today. I heard it. She called for me. I didn't move.
She managed to get up, eventually. Just like a 1 year old when it falls...
I'm Satan today.
I have you beat Kurtis.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Thanks for doing it the first time!

@Amy: Careerbuilder does suck huge. Sorry to hear your having such a lousy day, Beelzebaby!