Monday, February 23, 2009

It's The Glitter, Man! The Glitter!

I was watching the Oscars last night and my first thought was "Hey! I should liveblog the Oscars, because that's kinda funny how Tilda Swinton looks like a robot who is going to eat my face and I never need an idea more complex than THAT to write a blog!" but then I remembered that I stand up when I pee*, so maybe a liveblog wasn't the best idea and besides who the hell am I to make fun of people for wearing weird clothes because if anyone saw the state of my bathrobe I would be horribly embarrassed if I was sober. So instead I watched the show and talked on the phone and made comments in my head that were so funny, they would've made you throw up. I guess you should just consider yourself lucky that I remembered the lesson of Spiderman... that with great power comes great responsibility and if Kirsten Dunst tries to kiss you, you should web her in the face and run away.

It was pointed out to me, by Moonkee, that someone had to work in the factory that constructed all the super-long glittery banners that flanked the stage and I got to thinking about it and that is pretty much the best job in the world. How could you hate going into a job where all you do all day is make things sparkle? You couldn't. You would get there and be all "Where's the work for today!" and you'd be super-cheerful because it's pretty much the same as riding unicorns all day and when your foreman was like "It's over there.", real deadpan because he has forgotten the joy of imagination, you would RUN to your sparkle-station© (That's a professional term, you can look it up if you want) and dive right into the acres of glitter banners you were to make for the day. And you would enjoy it so much that people would gossip about how you were on drugs and you would have to take a disproportionate number of random urine tests BUT IT WOULDN'T MATTER because you practically work in the Land of Make-Believe, so all the haters can get fucked.

 And then I thought about how after working there for 25 years or so, you would be less enthusiastic and you would wake up much slower and drive your crappy, rundown 2015 Toyota Treehumper (because working in glitter banners doesn't actually pay too well) to the Glitter Banner Works, Inc. LLC and now YOU are the supervisor and all the young, new-hires frolic and play in the banners all day and you just have to watch them to make sure no one is having sex in the product, because we all know that's what happens when you work around glitter.  And then one morning you wake up with a persistant cough and after ignoring it for a week or two you finally go to the Doctor and get an x-ray and it turns out you have Glitter Lung and only a few months left to live. 

And that was what my mind did while you were watching Hugh Jackman caper around so I guess it's probably better that I don't liveblog things because when I do, perfectly innocent shiny banners end up ruining your life and giving you cancer and I like you better than that. 

* I in no way mean to insinuate that a man is somehow less of a man if he pays attention to celebrity and fashion and things like that because maybe he is a rugged, burly construction worker** who likes high fashion, and if that's the case then he could probably kick my ass, so you understand me not wanting to piss him off.  I'm a humanitarian if nothing else, like Ghandi, only thicker.

** Also maybe he is an unemployed writer who has nothing better to do than watch the Academy Awards, because what the hell it's not lilke he has to BE anywhere tomorrow. 


TrodoMcCracken said...

I've always wanted to quit a job by throwing glitter in someones face because that shit is hard to get out.

And if you have sex in glitter it'd be kind of cool because it'd eventually turn into glitter.

Kurt said...

What would turn into glitter? Your Junk? I don't want my junk turning into glitter. I would not want disco balls. (yuk-yuk)

TrodoMcCracken said...

Ha ha, I totally ment "Clitter" but wrote "Glitter" instead and now I'm like " Great messing up on the punchline" and now I'm totally going to have to go commit ritual suicide or demand you add me to a messaging service so I can spam you with the word "penis" but the ritual suicide seems easier. I think my boss has a sword.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: You should not feel disgraced because "clitter" is an excellent enough joke to carry you.

Char said...

maybe if you had live blogged it I would have stayed awake. but I wonder if someone as wonderfully beautiful as Heidi Klum can look that horrible, what hope is there for the rest of the world. tilda scares the crap out of me anytime I see her and angelina is beginning to favor elvira - but not as fun.

Miss Yvonne said...

Ooooh, I bet Glitter Lung is sooooo much more fun than Black Lung. Except when you're out to eat and you cough and sparkles shoot out your mouth and your blind date says "Cool, glitter!!" and you say "Fuck you, I'm dying."

Kurt said...

@Char: But Angelina is less old and more batshit crazy. I just wish she'd stop calling the house.

@Miss Yvonne: That made me laugh for real. I'm going to go back and read it like 100 times today probably.

Moonkee said...

I actually coughed once and had a cloud of powder poof out of my mouth. True story. All it did was confuse the restaurant hostess. That's all it ever does. *Grumble*

Vic said...

I certainly hope you've washed that robe since the dog poop extravaganza.

Sparklestation is hilarious!! I'm going to refer to my student's desks as "sparklestations" from now on (like "please return to your sparklestations, students!", and see how long it takes them to plan my death.

Anna Russell said...

Tilda Swinton lives near where I grew up. She's all "oooh, I live in the Highlands of Scotland" and I'm all "go away, bitch".

Also, your Oscars post is better than mine. Hmph.

Kurt said...

@ Moonkee: How many times have I warned you about eating dust bunnies? Like infinity? Now you know why. And Knowing is half the battle.

@Vic: Washed? Really? (*performs sniff test*)

I'm glad sparklestation© will be used for the betterment of mankind because I'm all about community service just ask that stupid, fussy know-it-all judge.

@Anna Russell: If she lives in the Highlands of Scotland and looks like that then all I can say is "banshee" and run away. Also, your blog is awesome so just zip it. Anyone who doesn't read you should.

Follow the link to "Incoherent Ramblings" -->

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Glitter lung? Isnt that what Steve McQueen died from? : )

You are freakin hilarious!

Kurt said...

@ SBA: I think he probably did die from Glitter lung, that or he was squeezed to death by a feather boa. Also, Thank you.