Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Interview Process Explained

So I'm going to my first post-employment job interview and I think I am totally ready to impress them because I have picked out my clothes and ironed them and it was hard to finally take off the bathrobe but you gotta do what you gotta do.  

I like job interviews because they give me a unique opportunity to talk about how wonderful I am without people going "Man. That guy is arrogant. I wish he'd shut up." but what the hell do they know? They're riding the bus too, so it's not like they're so great. Job interviews are completely opposite from the time a guy asked me to stop talking about all my positive qualities so he could concentrate and I just flexed my muscles at him and said "Aargh!" like a pirate and he was all "This prostate exam is only going to take that much longer if you don't stop screwing around." That guy was a jerk. At least I don't EXPECT any anal probing during the interview process, but what do I know? I'm not a mind-reader.

I think I'm going to go with the glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth, because they say "Yeah, I'm a super-powerful creature of the night, but I am not without whimsy." and I think that would make me a valuable asset to pretty much every company on the planet and also I want to suggest that the company change their logo to incorporate a cool-ass panda like the World Wildlife fund© and if they think that's a bad idea then obviously they suck, because putting bears or zombies or monsters on your logo is the way of the new millenium and if they're stuck in the 20th century, than screw them. I'm also going with the Superman cape instead on the regular one. I think we all know why.

Hattori Hanso: You aren't really going out in public like that are you?
Kurt: Look, do you want this job or not?
HH: At least put some pants on.
Kurt: What? You want to work for a bunch of prudes?
HH: I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.
Kurt: Your Mom wishes she could keep her mouth shut!


Walter said...

Wolverine-style claws also help. Trust me.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I suggest that before you go on your interveiw you stuff one pocket full of glitter, and the other pocket full of glue.

If it's starting to feel like the interveiw is taking a nose dive towards a security call, start randomly throwing the glitter at their faces.

If they do call security, throw the glue at them.

Char said...

getting an interview these days is a feat in itself. the prez scared me so bad Monday that I'm afeered of getting my head chopped off if I go.

Brandy Rose said...

Have you though of wearing a mask? It'll make you look my mysterious. They'd like mysterious I think.

Miss Yvonne said...

All the other applicants are gonna be pissed when you walk in. They'll be all "Crap, I KNEW I shouldn't have worn the regular cape."

Kurt said...

@Walter: They'd be all "Can we see your references?" and I'd be all *snick*.

@Trodo: I love this idea. It's the same idea as using flash powder like a magician, only sparklier! What an entrance!

@Char: It wasn't as bad as all that, althought they did ask if I would be needing both kidneys if hired.

@Brandy Rose: Good Point! Mystery would totally improve my chances of getting hired. I could say "I may or may not have planted a bomb somewhere close by. Am I hired?"

@Miss Yvonne: And I will be extra flouncy and swoopy with mine, just to make a point.

Vic said...

I think anal-probing is required in most interview situations. It's in the handbook. This is where the utility belt that came with your cape comes in handy. (Did you IRON the cape? Rookie mistake.)

Cynthia said...

Remember that body language says a lot during an interview. Keeping personal space to a minimum tells the interviewer you are a people person. So be sure to get real close.

weaselrina said...

And if the interviewer starts looking bored, lick them.