Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ignore This

People often ask me where I get my ideas from, but that's a lie because no one ever asks me that except in my head when I'm doing pretend interviews and then I'm all dismissive and act like it's no big deal being this brilliant and then it's my turn to order from the dollar menu, so I forget to answer the question. But if I DID try and answer the question I would probably say something like "monkeys" or "Tibet" or "They are beamed into my head from an ancient race of dinosaurs who sought refuge on Io, the most habitable of Saturn's moons." and then the interviewer would be all "Dick. That was from the movie 2010, only it wasn't space dinosaurs it was explosive, deadly space lettuce or something." And I would be all "2001 is supposed to be this awesome movie, but it just confuses me. I do like the monkeys though." and then the interviewer, who is really Hattori Hanzo would be all:

Hattori Hanzo: Yeah, monkeys are cool.
Me: But I don't get why they were on the moon or what that has to do with space cabbage.
Hattori Hanzo: Me either. Aren't we supposed to be practicing interviews for after you're famous?
Me: Yes, Please.
Hattori Hanzo: Nice manners.
Me: Thank you. And your mom.
Hattori Hanzo: Okay so here's a question: Why are you so handsome?
Me: No interviewer would ask me that!
Hattori Hanzo: But you wish they would, and this is a pretend interview and really I'm just a literary device to give voice to your Id, so maybe you should give me a break, huh?
Me: Sorry. Go ahead. Ask again.
Hattori Hanzo: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Well Hattori, it's a funny story...
Hattori Hanzo: OH I'M SORRY! We've run out of time!
Me: Hey! Wait!! I have to answer the question!
Hattori Hanzo: Sorry. Not this time.Don't worry, we'll be sure to have you back!
Me: This is MY brain. We have all the time necessary. I want to answer this ques...
Hattori Hanzo: We'll be right back with Keanu Reeves, after these words from our sponsors!
Me: Keanu Reeves! He's not even a fully developed human! What sponsors?
Hattori Hanzo: Bryl-Cream. Look if you have an issue,talk to your agent. We told him you only had five minutes.
Me: My agent?! This is all pretend! I don't have a pretend agent!
Hattori Hanso: That's probably why you're getting bumped...duh.
Me: I swear I will have my revenge one day, Hattori Hanzo!
Hattori Hanzo: Scoot over. Here comes Keanu.
Keanu Reeves in My Head: Whoooooaaaa! That dude is angry. Are these my pants?
Me: Unbelievable.
Hattori Hanzo: And we're back... our next guest won infinity Academy Awards for his portrayal of Agent Johnny Utah in "Point Break". He's here to talk about the book he's co-authored with Dan Brown called "More Weird God Stuff, Dude." please give it up for Keanu Reeves!!
(*wild unfettered applause*)
Me: Of course the voice in my head is a bad late-night talk show host. That makes sense.
Keanu Reeves in My Head: Whoa! Lights!


Prosy said...

Wow. Getting bumped by Keanua Reeves is pretty insulting. I mean, not even someone famous? Keanua Reeves was in a movie about a magic mailbox and a time traveling dog. Which actually sounds pretty sweet, and I never actually saw the movie, but I did see the previews, but it looked pretty awful.

Kurt said...

I saw that. My standard put-down when someone wants to go see a crappy movie is "What? Was 'The Lakehouse' sold out?"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Are These My Pants?

I think you found the title of your memoir.

Kurt said...

That's a great idea! I was going to go with "Yes, Your Honor..." but that's WAYYY better.

Anna Russell said...

That is weird. I was just talkng last night about how I just don't get how Keanu Reeves has managed to keep his career going all this time. I would so listen to your interview before his.

Making fun of Dan Brown = win.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I knew you'd dig that bit.

Nikki said...

Can I say I luv the voice in your head without it being literal? Because I really love the voice in your head. Makes me laugh every time I hear it.

*and yes that means I can hear the voice in your head when it talks to you*

Kurt said...

@Nikki: He's totally blushing. Also it's ironic that people can hear the voice in my head, but in real life, I have to SHOUT "Put the fuckin' money in the bag!!". Irony is tricky.

Nikki said...

Irony is tricky. You know what else is tricky? Using double sided sticky tape when wrapping birthday presents.

Vic said...

I like that your mind uses the word "lo" when talking to itself. It's like an instant breath of profound. "And lo, I cleaned out the refrigerator." See?

(also "unfettered" earns you fifteen more minutes with the brain fragment. You're welcome.)

Char said...

Keanu *sigh* excellent

Kurt said...

@Vic: Fancy talk is all the rage on the street corners this year. I'd be all "Lo! Them bitches ain't shit,yo!" Thanks for the transplant, albeit temporary.

@Char: Party On, Dude.

Brandy Rose said...

Hattori Hanzo is my hero. There, I said it.

TishTash said...

I would make fun of Keanu, but then I would have to face the fact that I will never out-success him, and THAT makes me nervous about my place in the universe.

So rock on, Keanu. Dude.

Kurt said...

@TishTash: Perhaps not financially, but as you are capable of forming complete thoughts, you have him outstripped in at least one area.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: He's my hero too. We should start a fan club.