Hattori Hanzo: Yeah, monkeys are cool.
Me: But I don't get why they were on the moon or what that has to do with space cabbage.
Hattori Hanzo: Me either. Aren't we supposed to be practicing interviews for after you're famous?
Me: Yes, Please.
Hattori Hanzo: Nice manners.
Me: Thank you. And your mom.
Hattori Hanzo: Okay so here's a question: Why are you so handsome?
Me: No interviewer would ask me that!
Hattori Hanzo: But you wish they would, and this is a pretend interview and really I'm just a literary device to give voice to your Id, so maybe you should give me a break, huh?
Me: Sorry. Go ahead. Ask again.
Hattori Hanzo: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Well Hattori, it's a funny story...
Hattori Hanzo: OH I'M SORRY! We've run out of time!
Me: Hey! Wait!! I have to answer the question!
Hattori Hanzo: Sorry. Not this time.Don't worry, we'll be sure to have you back!
Me: This is MY brain. We have all the time necessary. I want to answer this ques...
Hattori Hanzo: We'll be right back with Keanu Reeves, after these words from our sponsors!
Me: Keanu Reeves! He's not even a fully developed human! What sponsors?
Hattori Hanzo: Bryl-Cream. Look if you have an issue,talk to your agent. We told him you only had five minutes.
Me: My agent?! This is all pretend! I don't have a pretend agent!
Hattori Hanso: That's probably why you're getting bumped...duh.
Me: I swear I will have my revenge one day, Hattori Hanzo!
Hattori Hanzo: Scoot over. Here comes Keanu.
Keanu Reeves in My Head: Whoooooaaaa! That dude is angry. Are these my pants?
Hattori Hanzo: And we're back... our next guest won infinity Academy Awards for his portrayal of Agent Johnny Utah in "Point Break". He's here to talk about the book he's co-authored with Dan Brown called "More Weird God Stuff, Dude." please give it up for Keanu Reeves!!
(*wild unfettered applause*)
Me: Of course the voice in my head is a bad late-night talk show host. That makes sense.
Keanu Reeves in My Head: Whoa! Lights!