Friday, February 20, 2009

I Don't Know Where This Is Going

I've picked up a lot of new readers lately and thought for the sake of argument, but not the kind of argument that starts "Why the hell are you just coming home now and whose pants are those and why were you dropped off in a clown car?!?", I would give you some numerical data to go along with my empirical awesomeness.  You see, for those who don't know ,I love the Maths and use them every chance I get except for sevens because they never add right, and if there was an area of science that didn't ever use sevens, I would have a doctorate degree by now, except that I am lazy and not inclined to do much besides sit around in my underwear and write silly blogs about my pants hating me. What follows are probabilities that what I am saying is true. Please clip this out and save it, so you can have it close at hand whenever reading this blog.*

Probabilty of truthfulness:

That I am in my underwear: 1:1
That I Love the Maths except for sevens: 1:1

I started to do this list and then decided that I don't KNOW how many superpowers I actually HAVE, so I couldn't be all "1:1200" because maybe they just haven't shown themselves yet or maybe they are still fledgling superpowers and I haven't been exercising them properly and given them room to grow, or maybe drinking a lot of milk from the jug will never become a superpower like I'm hoping and this is all just wishful thinking. And that's depressing. So instead I thought I'd write a dirty limerick because it's Friday but I'll keep out the super dirty parts because maybe my mom reads this sometimes.

 "There once was a bit of a ----
 Who tried out a real clever stunt,
 He ------ and he -------- and he ------ up the -------
And  I can't think of a good rhyme for ----."

Did you ever start a blog and realize much later that maybe you should've just stuck with watching the 5-second free porn clips** instead? Because I haven't. Perv. So instead of the Maths this ended up being beautiful poetry and it just goes to show you that both sides of my brain are equally diseased well-developed and I think that no matter what we can all agree to go get some drinks because it's Friday and this week has pretty much sucked all the ass.

*I'm really not sure how you clip out a blog. I guess you  could print it out, but I hate to endorse the waste of paper since the rainforests are exploding and if the polar ice caps melt we're going to be overrun by the goddamn Snow Bears and did you know that Polar Bears and Penguins*** are natural enemies and if they lived together the bears would be swarmed by flocks of bloodthirsty and adorable sea birds and they would be wiped out? That's why Snow Bears live at the North Pole and Penguins live at the South Pole. Also Polar Bears ate Santa so you can see why I want to protect the rainforest. They have no morals.

** I don't understand what the point of a 5-second porn clip is. It's all "Hey look! A boo-" and then you're still fighting with your zipper, unless my mom really is reading this in which case shame on you.

***I capitalized the names of the species because it felt disrespectful to not.  And I just accidentally typed "disrespectfuk" and thought THAT was funny so I'm going to stop here before you forget my beautiful poetry and go back to thinking I'm a roguishly handsome superpowered genius who DOESN'T write beautiful poems.


Anna Russell said...

Numbers. Numbers Kurt, numbers. I have a hangover. Numbers? Ouch on my brain. But I'll let you off since it was funny and I like you.

I would totally have finished that rhyme.

Kurt said...

The limerick was in your honour because they're from Great Britain and it uses "cunt", and you love that word. True story. I also added the extra "u" in "honor" out of respect for your hangouver.

Anna Russell said...

Thaunk you kind sir

Char said...

so....pants and polarbears - if you build it he will come. does that mean you will have to start with your daddy jokes? like your daddy reads my blog. of course my blog is so tame that it doesn't matter if your daddy reads my blog...unless it's my SECRET blog. then you might be worried. no, actually I don't have a secret blog either - just a lot of drafts that never see the light of day.

Maelstrom said...

Good post, I like icecream too.

Vic said...

Thanks for telling me to clip out your blog.
Now I have missing pixels all over my screen, and my safety scissors are broken.

It's like you're secretly in cahoots with the Polar Bears. I'm watching you with my eagle eye.

Kurt said...

@Char: You edit yourself so that you have a high quality blog and all your posts are readable. I had a dream like that once.

@Maelstrom: I'm glad you liked it. (The post. I can't take credit for ice cream...or can I?)

@Vic: I would only be in cahoots with them because "cahoots" is a great word and I've always want to be in it with someone.

Miss Yvonne said...

This was a really useful blog entry, as I now know about you and The Maths and your amazing dirty limericking abilities. I'm pretty sure you meant the rainforests are imploding instead of exploding, but it would be rude to point out your error so I'll just say that The Exploding Rainforests would be an excellent cover band name.

Maelstrom said...

Actually I enjoy quite a bit here. I found your blog yesterday, or the day before maybe. Normally I check out a blog for a week or so before I commit to following it, just so bloggers don't think I'm easy.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: You make a good point. The Imploding rainforests is a pretty boss band name too.

@Maelstrom: Don't worry, you don't have to sign any waivers here until the third week. (I'm still waiting for your paperwork Brandy Rose!)

Prosy said...

I originally read this as 'I love the Meths' which really put it more in perspective, for me atleast.

Kurt said...

It's more of a love/hate thing with the Meths.

Maelstrom said...

Alright then. I get to go home in about 35 minutes so I have to make it look like I've done something today. No more commenting for me. Goodbye.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You HAVE picked up a lot of new readers lately. You are blowin up! I can't believe me and Walter's dog up there are almost relegated to row 3?! Vic is nearly off the grid altogether!

This madness must be stopped.

Kurt said...

@SMU,K: I KNOW, right? Poor Moonkee, Brandy Rose, and Anna Russell have already been bumped.

Brandy Rose said...

Paper work? ummm, there was paper work? I probably burned it, cuz its evil. Is this why I'm being bumped?

Moonkee said...

I will always have the sweet, slightly salty comfort of knowing I was first.