Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Growing Antlers for the Circus

A few days ago I left, what I thought to be, a brilliant comment on my friend Vic's blog about how I want my kids to grow antlers for the mad circus money that would follow, and I'm not saying those words have haunted me ever since, but if I lived in a broken-down Victorian mansion I would be sleeping with a crucifix clutched tightly to my bosom* for fear of them because they are up in the attic clanking around some chains.

Now I don't want you to go flying off the handle and be all "Antlers on children? That's inhumane!" because I totally called PETA and asked and they said that if I ate meat I was the devil anyway(s), so a couple of horns on the kids might actually make sense, and then I called the World Wildlife Fund, mostly because of the cool-ass panda on their logo, and I asked them if it was inhumane and they were all "Please stop calling us.", so that pretty much affirms what I originally thought. Antlers on kids equals super-humane genius. So I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here.

The thing is, at first they would be embarrassed by them, I mean... I can't just send them to the circus with little Bambi-nubs, which sounds so much like a porn thing I feel guilty for having written it, and now I've typed "children" and "porn" in the same blog and if anyone googles "child pornography" I might pop up. Shit, I just typed it again. This blog is so not about THAT.  

Where was I? Right. Bambi-nubs. I think for the first year they would have to wear a knit hat to school everyday because I love them and don't want them to be made fun of for having antlers, because the costs of therapy might negate some of the mad circus money that is going to follow. But I know for a fact that the circus pays better if your kids have a full rack on them instead of the little prong-horn dealies. And when I say I "know for a fact", I mean 'I'm guessing" because if I ran a circus and some guy tried to sell me his children get his children a legal job with me and they only had tiny horns I would pay less to enslave them than the prevailing wage.

Also, the Boy having a weapon growing out of his skull sounds a little dangerous, so a nice knit hat might keep him from stabbing me with his head.

This blog concept just totally ran out of steam... I have nothing else to say on the subject. But I think we can all agree that making a whole blog out of a comment is pretty much impossible and to try means I am an innovator and a daredevil. Like Batman. 

So that you don't feel ripped off, here's a video of what the Wrath of Khan© would look like as an Italian Opera performed by claymation action figures. You're welcome.

video from Robot Chicken©.

* I could be all immature and point out that I said "bosom" but I'm way beyond that and sometimes my maturity is truly amazing, like that time we were driving around downtow, drunk out of our** minds and screaming obscenities at the hoboes. I totally kept my hands at "ten and two" on the steering wheel because "safety first!". Also bosom means chest not boobies.

** The usage of "our" and "we" here is meant to imply I was not alone, in my bathrobe, and it's 10am and I'm crying.


TrodoMcCracken said...

Not only did you meantion "Child", "Porn" and "Child Pornography" you also meantioned "Boobies".

Your blog is now officially kinkier then mine. And that's terrible.

Char said...

is trodo your unborn twin that is now the star of a horror movie? *smile* uh...let's see where to start. hmmmm, my cat loves to pounce on my feet in the middle of the night and wrestle with them, waking me up and making me scream. that might disturb my new roommate. dry up your tears little boy or you might start sounding like a DMB song. I am waiting to find my snarly growly voice. maybe I should start smoking again or something. no...my room mate hates that too. damn. ok - so it's 10:45 here and I haven't packed a box today - I'm so behind.

Moonkee said...

Both that video and the promise of be-antlered children give me hope for the human race in a time that will one day most likely be referred to as The Pre-Unicorn Days.

Lori said...

Bambi nubs.

Thank You.

Vic said...

Frankly, I'm a little skeeved out by the references to Bambi nubs and porn, because I saw Bambi and I think we should leave his nubs out of this. The poor thing had enough to deal with what with fire and being an orphan and all.

I am knitting your children horn cozies. Let me know the colors.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I don't know much about antlers on kids, porn, circus slavery, or drunk driving and screaming obscenities, but I DO know that your use of the optional "e" in the plural "hoboes" makes you sound super classy.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: Kinkier means "better" in most civilized societies. except the super-kinky ones.

@Char: If I started singing a DMB song I would start crying for that piece of my soul I'll never get back.

@Moonkee: Pre-Unicorn days are here again! Except now Obama is president so every day is magical unicorn day with puppy kisses and gumdrop dreams.

@Lori: You're very welcome.

@Vic: If you could use the same colors as we used on the rest of their harnesses that would be great.

@SMUK(heh): I don't like to brag about how fancy I am. But I understand when other people feel compelled to.

Miss Yvonne said...

Dude. Bambi nubs = freaking genius. I would totally pay to see your antler children at the circus. And I wouldn't even throw peanuts at them.

Anonymous said...

In the interest of being super-humane, you might consider placing peanut butter and seeds on your be-antlered kids and sticking them in the front yard to feed the birds. I think that according to the bylaws of the SPCA, an act of cuddly-kindness negates several past acts of potential injustice. By potential here, I mean that until the children have jobs they are required to perform for your amusement (it's in the Bible, look it up); so, unless they have jobs, by placing birdseed on their antlers and placing them in the front yard for the birds to feed on, you can now totally get away with kicking the Sad Dog downstairs.