Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Great Pants Rebellion of Ought-Nine


So my pants are totally trying to escape me and I don't even understand why. I take care of them, I wash them, I even make conscious decisions to wear them on the basis of fairness. I'll be all " Hey pants! Who haven't I worn in a while?" and they won't say anything because they are pants, at least that is what I thought, until last night when they tried escaping. Maybe this whole time they've been ignoring the question like that kid in class who never raises his hand for fear of being called on and keeps his eyes down and chants "Not me. Not me. Not me." because he went out the night before and got plowed on "Genny Creme Ales" he stole from his Dad and didn't do his homework, and screw you ,Mrs. Hiler because your homework was dumb anyway(s). And my stomach feels like it's exploding. Stupid English elective. Stupid Genny Creme Ales.

Back to my fugitive pants. They keep calling for backup.  They're being totally stupid about it though and calling random people like my old employment agency and my ex- wife. If I were pants and I wanted to be rescued I would call some Pants-themed superhero who could fly in and pummel me with fists made from super strong denim elastomers* or something, or maybe they could loop around my neck and try to choke me unconscious like a sleeper hold, only with pants. In fact, maybe this is why I woke up that one time after a particulary crazy night in college in the middle of a playground at 6am with no pants on. That was a long time ago. Maybe I've secretly been at war with my pants for decades and they hide like Anne Frank in my dresser and write long recollections that start "It sometimes seems this war will never end..." and they are all depressed and like the Eastern Europeans during the Cold War and now I feel just awful.

The Ex- said when my pants called her, she didn't pick up** so it kicked my pants right to voicemail and they filled her mailbox with the sounds of me playing with the dog. I don't know if maybe that is part of their plan, like maybe they think if she believes I am harrassing her then I will go to jail and have to wear one of those boss orange Devo suits and then they will be free. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed at the lack of complexity this plan seems to have. I would have expected more from my dungarees***.



* I have no idea what "elastomers" are but they sound sciencey and I think maybe I learned about them once, but I am terribly lazy and refuse to look it up so if you want to know you'll have to do the legwork. Sorry, but I have dance moves to perfect.

** You might think this rock solid evidence that my Ex- screens my phone calls would upset me, but it doesn't because I'VE had to live with me for 37 years and if I ever call me I will totally screen that shit too. Unless, I think it might be a call from the future warning me how to save the human race from SkyNet. Then I might answer.

*** My mom used to call my pants "dungarees" and I don't know what the eff that even means but it's probably something from the Sears and Roebuck catalog and older than dirt, and what's next Mom? A Brownie Camera and a Model-T? Grow up!

21 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

I'm pretty sure you waking up in the middle of a playground pantsless was not, in fact, some plot your pants conceived to escape you.

You were probably raped.

Kurt said...

If by "You were probably raped" you mean "Your seed was probably harvested to start to make a race of supermen", then yes, I'm sure that's what happened.

TrodoMcCracken said...

And by "Your seed was probably harvested to start to make a race of supermen" you mean " ingested as a source of protien by hobo's" then yes, I totally ment that.

Kurt said...

Heh. Touche.

Char said...

according to the commercial, flip phones cure that kind of thing. It's ok - my sister's purse calls me often.

M said...

Pants are way overrated anyway(s). You'd get more peoples' attention if you just totally skipped the whole pants thing. Imagine how awesome job interviews would be then! It would inspire confidence, I would think.

And there's always kilts. Now there is an article of clothing with some serious attitude problems.

Anna Russell said...

M totally stole my idea! Wear a kilt Kurt. It's got alliteration and everything. You could totally look like Sean Connery. Plus, you don't have to worry about underwear.

Vic said...

If unruly pants ever got organized it could be the End of the World. Think about it. Yours are calling people. Mine are cruising the internet. What does it all mean? Do culottes count as pants, or would they be on OUR side? It's hard to say.

I think I know someone who gets elastomer injections for crow's feet.

Random Chick said...

I hate it when pants go aggro like that.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When you say your pants are trying to escape you, you're just using a fancy personification tool to say that you want to take your pants off really bad, right? I'm really good at analyzing literature.

Yeah I know, I said tool.

PS-Comments number 1 though 4 up there? Thank you for that.

Miss Yvonne said...

Show your pants who's boss. Start wearing elastic waistband capris and use your pants to clean the neighbor's dog poop off your shoes. Then you can be all "you thought you had it bad before, huh?".

Kurt said...

@Char: I would silence them, but I'm afraid of open rebellion. Let them make their silly calls, I say.

@M: Kilts are the answer to everything. Including peeing outdoors.

@Anna: I lack the chest hair to be a man-ape like Connery. Although I do randomly call people "Pussy Galore" which really makes the doorman at the country club that I'm trying to sneak into angry.

@Vic: Culottes are definitely on the other team because I'm not even sure what they are and things I don't understand scare me and when I'm scared I'm super-dangerous, especially if you are a place to hide.

@Random Chic: I know. I like it better when they remain passive-aggressive and just make my ass look big.

@SMU,K: I totally just took them off, and you're right I feel much better, but I have to go now, because Boy, does that resource Librarian look PISSED!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I dont think pants are the problem its the buttons and the zippers that are evil

Lori said...

Maybe the "slacks" miss one of the exes "blouses"
Whew, I used two of my most hated words and didn't even vomit a bit.

Yay me!! Therapy is REALLY working.

Kurt said...

@Sarah: You're only fooling yourself. It's the leg-sleeves that make them evil.

@Lori: We're all proud of your progress.

Lori said...

@Kurt Can you loosen the handcuffs then please?

Lori said...

Also, I'd like to come out of the basement/bunker and see the sun.

Mandy's Kidding said...

You should get a Blackberry flip-phone so your pants' attempt to call for help will be thwarted.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: Yeah, I need MORE access to the internet throughout the day. That's definitely the solution. :)

Rachel Tamed said...

I guess the only advice I can give is to try to reason with the pants, and at least give them some direction as to who you would like to rescue them (the pants).

Kurt said...

@Rachel Tamed: Pants don't listen to reason! They are garments of ACTION!! Pants are all about the thrill.