Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Book Club

So Moonkee sends me the best email and yesterday it was a link to a book, and maybe everyone has seen this already but if you have shut up, because maybe there has been a better book in the past 300,000 years but I don't know what it is. This is the title I read:

which is pretty awesome to begin with, but Wait! There's more!


Now they have my attention because I sense that this is NOT Malarkey at all and maybe genius but worst case scenario is it's an awsome Japanese Translation like the Newsradio episode "Super Karate Monkey Death Car"* So now I totally have to  buy this book because if I can beat depression by simply constricting my anus 100 times every day than that em-effer is BEAT. Let's read some more shall we? This is from the first page and there is so much wisdom in here that maybe you're not ready for it :



I added some notes for you, and also a bonus velociraptor because what gift isn't improved with the inclusion of dinosaurs? Stupid gifts, that's what. Also, I am a great humanitarian and if I survive the 3-week fasting I am going to be so not depressed that when I wink at someone they will sprout wings and turn into a fairy.



*Moonkee also illuminated me on this bit of brilliance. You should totally follow that link and watch at LEAST the first minute and a half. Also, you can't put exclamation marks in blog labels. I know that seems off-topic, but it isn't so please try and keep up.

30 comments:

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

How has Oprah not gotten wind of this book?

Kurt said...

@ Sarah: I don't know if the Book Club is ready for a "bucketful" of excrement.

Prosy said...

I had a handyman once that told me the hydrogen peroxide cured AIDS and cancer, and also cleared up his sinuses after he snorted it everyday for a week.

Kurt said...

@Prosy: What do you mean "HAD a handyman" (*nudge nudge*)? Also, my inner voice is 14.

Anna Russell said...

Long lived British? Ahhh, it's the constricting anuses (anuii?) after eating all the fried crap and curries.

Kurt said...

@Anna: They ARE a bit "clenchy".

Prosy said...

I guess its because I'm 12 and not 14 yet, but I don't get the "what do you mean 'HAD' a handyman?'
Like I killed him so know he's not around anymore?

After I typed this I realized you must have meant it sexually somehow. Which would have been a given, because I always pay my subcontractors in sexual favors. How do you think I keep my house looking so nice?!

Kurt said...

@Prosy: That explains why they keep adding new wings to it.

Char said...

LOL has Oprah gotten wind???? not if she properly constricts her anus! bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha

Kurt said...

@Char: You found the fart joke that I could not. The Force is strong with this one...

Frank said...

I don’t know about depression, but I know it works to beat a polygraph!!! Hey, don’t look at me with that I thought I could trust you but now I’m not so sure look. You never know when you might be accused of murder and need that info. Just sayin.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Actually, I know exactly when I will be accused of murder. It'll be when that meddling DA gets that evidence admitted. Stupid gun powder residue. Don't worry your secret is safe with me unless I can cop a plea with it.

Nikki said...

I do not believe that it is at all possible to reduce the frequency of ones masturbation for longer than one day. On a side note, I do not know how to dent my belly button as there is already a dent there, which is also my belly button. On topic again, I think the bucket they are referring to looks like this (http://www.elegantbomboniere.com.au/images/TinyBuckets-ACNP044.gif)

Kurt said...

@Nikki: You make many interesting points and I had no idea you were a genius lawyer, but now that I do, I could really use some help with this restraining order "issue" I have.

Also, that is one fancy excrement bucket.

Brandy Rose said...

Aw, that is the cutest,littlest velociraptor ever. I adore him.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

"Fall into the hell voluntarily or occupy your time with something else (anything would do)"

Those Japanese offer up some interesting options. Let's see...throw myself into the depth of eternal damnation, or else maybe do some macaroni art.

Also, I squeezed my anus the entire time I was reading your post, just because saying "squeeze your anus" makes me squeeze my anus. And you know what? It totally works. I've never been happier.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: You can have him! He keeps crapping in my shoes and eating kittens.

@SMU,Kid: Now you've got me doing it. I mean...squeezing my own...not yours... society will never smile on some things and squeezing someone else's anus unprovoked is probably one of them.

Maelstrom said...

I'm doing it too. I'm going to see if my local gym can put this into one of their aerobic classes.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: Don't forget the naval denting!

Nikki said...

@ Kurt: Lawyer I am not. Lawyer's have the intelligence level of damp rocks.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: Ooo! Not true! I've known a few who were very smart because they knew where the line was between "manslaughter" and "murder" and now they are my good friends who I pay.

(Also, I have at least 2 readers who are lawyers so obviously THOSE people are brilliant.)

Maggie May said...

i love your bonus
and
the word malarkey

Kurt said...

@Maggie Mae; Apparently, the Japanese are fond of that word too. Who knew?

Nikki said...

@Kurt: I stand corrected. And if I may amend my statement, "Most lawyers have the intelligence level of a damp rock" As there are intelligent people in every line of work. I once knew the most extraordinary man(smarter than me even) and he was a refuse collector.

Anonymous said...

I am embarassed to say that I am trying to constrict my anus - not sure I am capable, let alone 100 times consecutively. makes me feel dirty and weird... I think this will cause deep seeded depression in me. :-( Just give me some drugs - they're easier.

Vic said...

The key is "in succession", apparently. I'm totally afraid of what will happen if I start constricting my anus, and then the phone rings and I accidently quit. Can I start constricting again then? Do I have to start over or can I pick up where I left off?

Malarkey is my middle name.

Miss Yvonne said...

I don't have a depression issue, but I'm totally constricting over here like a mo-fo...you know, to be preventative.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Hmmm... I say, for safety's sake, you pickup where you left off because it would suck to end up in the hospital with an over-constricted anus.

@Miss Yvonne: You're like the Eagle Scout of anus constriction. Is there a merit badge?

Cynthia said...

That. Was Awesome.

Reminds me...do you remember that crazy Chinese translated menu I posted one time?

Kurt said...

@Cynthia: OF COURSE I remember that one. I laughed so hard I pretty much died.