Where was I going with this? Oh. Right. Clowns.
I was searching the net, looking for laughs (or giggle-trolling, as we call it in the industry) when I found this auction and have decided to invest in a clown who will follow me around and scare me randomly throughout the day because my life has become a little dull and nothing adds spice to your day like a terrifying clown who pops out at you when you are mixing drinks or napping.
Here is an excerpt from the auction I will win if God or someone is smiling on me:
"This auction is for a 3 day thrill ride through your greatest fear! ~CLOWNS~!!!! I will dress up as a clown and scare you for 3 days STRAIGHT, everywhere you go, I will follow, dressed as a clown. When you least expect it - BOOM!!! There I'll be to creeper you out! This is something you will only want to experience once. LIVE your SCARIEST MOVIE SCENES! Included in this auction, is my travel expenses to wherever you live to give you 3 days of creepy, clowny excitement!"
And it had this picture attached:
Now I think we can all agree that this is an excellent investment because clowns are recession-proof and scary clowns are super-recession-proof and if you don't believe me look at these figures I'm about to make up: 9 out of 10 psychiatrists agree that I am a genius and this can't fail.
But now that I think about it, I am realizing that all I do is sit around my house in a bathrobe all day and that means the clown would just sit next to me on the couch and drink my Seven and Sevens and then randomly shout "BOO!" at me, and when I tell him to knock it off he would be all "Whatever. It's your nickel, Bub." and whenever a clown calls me "Bub" I get super angry and then I'd be all "You're not funny, Clown! You're not funny, Clown!" and we'd get in a fist fight and when the cops came they'd find two drunken idiots passed out on the floor smelling of gin and grease paint, and Oh yeah, one of them is dressed as a terrifying clown and then I'd be in the Police Blotter AGAIN and everyone would think we were gay lovers or something, because this is a small, stupid town where they probably assume violent clown-bashing is the same as a monogomous same-sex relationship.
So I'm totally going to do it.
PS: I added the tags "sexy plush" and "space jail" because I'm trying to broaden my audience.
*My Mom totally calls them "The Star War" movies and I have stopped trying to correct her because it gets frustrating so now I just keep her locked in a closet. But don't get all weird, and call the SPCA or whatever, because I feed her and I tell her she is "a living treasure" like they have in Japan. And then she says "Let me out..." but I never hear the rest because the door is closed.