Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"Clowny" = Terrifying

So now that I'm unemployed I have lots of time to just wander around the net looking at stuff because I can only look at so much porn before my mind starts to wander and then I think things like "I wonder how she FEELS about herself."  and let me tell you, nothing messes up pornography like the de-objectifying of someone. So instead, I look for funny shit to make me laugh, because these are dark, sad times for the republic and it's only a matter of time before Senator Palpatine seizes control and then all the sudden WHOOSH! here's Darth Vader and now what the hell are we going to do? (Anyone who feels the need to point out that The Star War* happened "a long time ago in a galaxy far,far away" ought to just go ahead and give yourself a wedgie and save me the effort.)

Where was I going with this? Oh. Right. Clowns.

I was searching the net, looking for laughs (or giggle-trolling, as we call it in the industry) when I found this auction and have decided to invest in a clown who will follow me around and scare me randomly throughout the day because my life has become a little dull and nothing adds spice to your day like a terrifying clown who pops out at you when you are mixing drinks or napping. 

Here is an excerpt from the auction I will win if God or someone is smiling on me:

"This auction is for a 3 day thrill ride through your greatest fear! ~CLOWNS~!!!! I will dress up as a clown and scare you for 3 days STRAIGHT, everywhere you go, I will follow, dressed as a clown. When you least expect it - BOOM!!! There I'll be to creeper you out! This is something you will only want to experience once. LIVE your SCARIEST MOVIE SCENES! Included in this auction, is my travel expenses to wherever you live to give you 3 days of creepy, clowny excitement!"

And it had this picture attached:

Now I think we can all agree that this is an excellent investment because clowns are recession-proof and scary clowns are super-recession-proof and if you don't believe me look at these figures I'm about to make up: 9 out of 10 psychiatrists agree that I am a genius and this can't fail.  

But now that I think about it, I am realizing that all I do is sit around my house in a bathrobe all day and that means the clown would just sit next to me on the couch and drink my Seven and Sevens and then randomly shout "BOO!" at me, and when I tell him to knock it off he would be all "Whatever. It's your nickel, Bub." and whenever a clown calls me "Bub" I get super angry and then I'd be all "You're not funny, Clown! You're not funny, Clown!" and we'd get in a fist fight and when the cops came they'd find two drunken idiots passed out on the floor smelling of gin and grease paint, and Oh yeah, one of them is dressed as a terrifying clown and then I'd be in the Police Blotter AGAIN and everyone would think we were gay lovers or something, because this is a small, stupid town where they probably assume violent clown-bashing is the same as a monogomous same-sex relationship. 

So I'm totally going to do it.

PS: I added the tags "sexy plush" and "space jail" because I'm trying to broaden my audience. 

*My Mom totally calls them "The Star War" movies and I have stopped trying to correct her because it gets frustrating so now I just keep her locked in a closet. But don't get all weird, and call the SPCA or whatever, because I feed her and I tell her she is "a living treasure" like they have in Japan. And then she says "Let me out..." but I never hear the rest because the door is closed.


Brandy Rose said...

That pic is a spoof from Killer Clowns from Outer Space! Its a classic and the original source for my fear of clowns.

They sucked peoples juices from the balloon things. Yep, A CLASSIC!

Kurt said...

I remember it well. Scary and stupid at the same time = Awesome.

Anna Russell said...

This is the second scary clown pic you've posted. Damnit Kurt!

*goes to put all lights on and make sure feet are tucked into some type of cover*

Walter said...

Stephen King's It anyone?

Frank said...

You’re scaring me… am I supposed to pay for that???

You should auction the "guy in the bathrobe" that will sit around their house and drink their whiskey. Let us know how much you get.

Vic said...

Dear Bub,
To quote the clown, I am officially "creepered" out. WAY creepered. Hey. New blog name.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: Forgive me, I forget it's already dark there.

@Walter: Heh. Good book. Bad clown.

@Frank: I'll make millions.

Kurt said...

@Vic: I hope this doesn't make me a bleper.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

It didnt mention on the ad that he would be an excellent way to cure someone hiccups? Cause I am betting money people would pay more if they realized that!

Vic said...

No way you are a bleper because you support flamingos. This gives you a protective coating.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You googled clown porn, didn't you. Clown porn is the only logical bridge from porn to that photo up there. Im SO on to you, pal.

Also, clown porn is awesome. Good work.

Kurt said...

@Sarah: They're already paying $355 just to be tailed. This is so going to be my next job.

@Vic: I am relieved and feeling like I should shower maybe.

@SMU,Kid: Riiight! I had to GOOGLE it to find it.

TrodoMcCracken said...

When I offered to sell you and your kids Crystal Meth I didn't know you were already into the harder drugs like glue and acid.

Char said...

I hate clowns, I hate clowns, I hate clowns.

oh yeah...I hate clowns.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: I'm full of surprises. Like a crackerjack box or porn.

@Char: My apologies then.

Miss Yvonne said...

Who the hell knew there was a market for scary ass clown stalkers? Shit, I'm totally in the wrong business.

P.S. I said "ass clown".

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: That was totally the part of the comment I homed in on.