Friday, February 20, 2009

Blame Anna For This

I wasn't going to post another blog today but I am now and it's all Anna Russell's fault because she posted a blog that made me listen to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and now I've listened to it so many times that I'm beginning to feel bad for the streetlight people walking down the boulevard*.

I can totally see myself standing in a swatch of yellow, arc-sodium light in the rain and the cars are rushing past and their tires are hushing me and I look up in to the roiling, storm-filled sky and then I think "Don't Stop Believin'!" and then lightning strikes and the lights go out and then the dream diverges because in one version I am suddenly revitalized and I stand up tall and square my shoulders and trudge off into the night to seek my fate and address those who would do  me wrong in a straight-forward manner and that is the end of all my problems.

And in the other version I am electrocuted.

So I went and watched a Journey video on Youtube©, and it was pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen unless white guys fake-running around a stage with bad hair is suddenly a good thing and I didn't get the memo. And now my eyes pretty much hate me forever and they are going to start giving me hallucinations or not perceiving things correctly out of spite. And now whenI do my color corrections in Photoshop everyone will be all "Dude, why did you make her skin orange? She looks like a pumpkin. " and I'll be all "Huh?" and they'll be all "Is this part of your artistic vision or something?" and I'll be all "No. My eyes hate me ever since I watched that stupid Journey video."

And Steve Perry has bad hair and his pants are so tight you can see all his junk.  And now my eyes REALLY hate me**.


Why do they all cheer when he sings "South Detroit"?

Also, this song is pretty much the rockingest shut up. Hate the game, not the players.

*"Boulevard" always looks like it's spelled wrong so I've discovered a naturally occurring optical illusion and I don't know if there is a Nobel Prize for that, so you can just give be the one for "hot dogs" or whatever.

** I wish yellow, leopard-print, sleeveless, man-blouses had never gone out of style, but it's a secret wish like the one I have where the cop who hangs out at the donut shop will suddenly disappear and then I can leap the counter and steal an ass-ton of jelly-filleds.  Every shooting star I see hears THAT one and it still hasn't happened.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wha...there were musicians in this video? All I saw was the outline of a penis dancing around in a tight pair of mom jeans.

How do (did) the fellas decide on whether to let the junk hang to the right or to the left before they cruelly pinned it in place and forced it to suffocate through a 4 hour concert? I would have gone with either the straight up/clock strikes noon position to run parallel with the zipper, or the Silence of the Lambs tuck.

If you were Steve Perry, how would you have worn your penis? Discuss...

(Yes, I'm trying to hijack your comments and fill your blog with penis talk. Mwahahaha...)

Rachel Tamed said...

Will you be stealing the donuts while wearing a yellow, leopard-print, sleeveless man blouse? Either way, that is how I plan to picture it going down. I may even add some kind of tragic scene where you ruin your man blouse with the jellie.

Kurt said...

@SMU,K: Hijack away. I personally would wear a kilt as suggested by other readers previously. Free and easy...that's what I say.

@Rachel: I would never ruin my man blouse. That's double sacrilege. Once for the blouse and once for the jelly.

Anna Russell said...

I'm sensing a theme with me getting blamed for things round here.
I was going to post that vid on my Don't Lie... but I couldn't bear to. You can totally see his misters. Hehehehe. Misters.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: It's not a "blame" thing so much as a "your fault" thing, but I still would give you the Nobel Prize for Hot Dogs, for posting it in the first place.

Char said...

I always have to wash my eyes whenever the camera goes to Randy Jackson and his flock of seagulls hair.

Vic said...

The whole outfit looks like a laundry accident! His bits and pieces could point any direction they like if he wasn't wearing jeans that are paper thin. What happened to Steve Perry anyway?

Miss Yvonne said...

OMG @ Char!!! Randy Jackson totally ruined Journey. Because, I'm sorry Kurt, but Journey was awesome before Randy. And I mean awesome in a totally 80's, tight penis-pants, running around the stage, lovin' touchin' squeezin' way.

Kurt said...

@Char: I totally forgot about him. This was back when they were awesome.

@Vic: He made me a killer 5 dollar foot-long Roast beef sub today.

@Miss Yvonne: You'll get no argument from me, the album covers alone are pretty much the inspiration for my whole life.

Pearl said...

They were a big deal back in the day, but you just know that guy sucked at Bombardment as a kid...

Mandy's Kidding said...

There's no such thing as South Detroit.

I've never heard that term in my life. I wonder what it means or to where it refers? I mean, there's "south of Detroit," which we call Downriver. Or "South Detroit" as in the southernmost part of Detroit? Or honestly, south of Detroit is ... Canada. It's called Windsor, and it's kind of nicer than Detroit.

Maybe the songwriter confused Detroit with Chicago? My point, whoever wrote the song has never been to Detroit.

Kurt said...

@Pearl: I'd venture to guess he sucked at most things when he was a kid except singing.

@Mandy's Kidding: I bow in deference to you geographic kung fu.

Brandy Rose said...

Grab me some of the chocolate covered long johns please.