Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Yeti Voodoo and Snow Bears Explained

I get outside and the cold air flies up my nose and instantly freezes my brain. Only not. And the first thing I think of is that scene from "The Day After Tomorrow" where the flag freezes mid-wave because the homicidal weather is out to kill the world and then all the people it touches die. And then I think about how, if I freeze solid, scientists from the future will one day thaw my brain and using their space technology they'll scan my cerebral cortex and see that the last thing I thought of before folding myself in the icy shroud of eternal slumber was a crappy Roland Emmerich film, so instantly I try to think of something of higher quality and of course I land on "Shaun of the Dead" before deciding that future scientists and just go get bent if they're going to be all judgmental.

"DAD! What are you doing? Please warm the car up!"

I look at my kids scowling at me from the porch and realize I've been standing in the drive thinking about bad movies instead of addressing the actual reason for coming outside. Of course, I decide that it isn't that my mind is becoming increasingly more distracted these days but rather that somehow I have fallen under some kind of Yeti voodoo spell. I can see the Yeti King far off in their secret kingdom in the Himalayas (which I totally pronounce "Him-ALL-yuz" instead of "Him-a-lay-uz" because it sounds fancier), his beautiful white fur blown about dramatically in a frigid Asiatic breeze, sitting atop his snow bear* and poking a figurine of me with an elk fang. The Yeti King has a black pirate eye-patch over his right eye, but I don't know why. He's howling like Chewbacca because he thinks I stole the last Yeti Egg**

"Dad! Seriously!"

*Hattori Hanzo wanted me to point out that Snow Bears are better known by their common name "Polar Bears" but they only live near the North Pole and not the South at all, and that's racist, so we call them Snow Bears because they always live near snow except when they are living at the zoo and you can't blame them for that.

** Scientists are unsure why Yetis come from eggs as they, by all other accounts, appear to be mammals. Their taxonomy continues to baffle the scientific community as all major research into Yeti physiology has led to gruesome voodoo-related deaths. Also, they are pretend.


Char said...

of course yeti's hatch from eggs, just like the grinch did.

Kurt said...

I believe the strict Seussian history of the Grinch, where he wasn't born OR hatched but just was. But he does look like a yeti, so good point.

Moonkee said...

You have your own figurine? Is it by Hasbro? Is it reticulated?

Kurt said...

It's actually made out of the fingers of people that froze to death in the mountains with the head of a Ken doll. The Yeti King painted on some glasses.

Brandy Rose said...

The eye-patch is the newest fashion in the Yeti community. They've been seen as being too soft in past years and are working to rectify that problem with a more "bad boy" look.

Kurt said...

I think that's why they've taken to riding the snow bears as well. Also, they carry tridents now and stopped listening to Clay Aiken.

Anna Russell said...

Ahh, but can you do a good Chewbacca impression, that's the real question here? Many people think they can, but few have mastered it. It's like a BA Baracus impression that way.

My daughter has taken to telling me I'm "blah-ing again" when I zone out and start comparing what we're meant to be doing to movies and the like, so I feel you on this one.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

My Chewbacca impression is strong. Not as good as others I've heard, but strong nonetheless. I like that..."blahing". I'll have to be sure to never mention that to MY daughter.