Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wednesday is Spelled Weird So I Guess I Should Have Seen This Coming

I'm having a weird morning and it all started when I went outside and realized the stuff coming out of the sky was not rain or snow or sleet or hail, but rather, slush. Now I am not particularly a fan of slush in it's normal state, which is sitting there on the pavement trying to find a way into my boot. I am especially unhappy when it is falling out of the sky and down the back of my jacket so that my spine feels like it is being licked by a rapidly thawing, frozen peach. 

Now the goofy thing is, my boots, which normally prevent any kind of slush-related weather incident from being an issue, also decided that today was the day to stop functioning as expected. They kept the slush out, but every third or fourth step I took, one of them would go shooting off in a weird kind of half-slip, so that it looked like I was having a wicked case of The Spasms. I don't know what I did to inspire such treachery. I mean... it would be one thing if only one boot was acting wonky so I could blame it on uneven wearing of the soles or something*. But it was both of them... just shooting off in the wrong direction at random intervals. How come they didn't both do it at the same time? Why today? Is this all slush-related?

Fucking slush.

When I got into work, as I walked back to my lab I didn't pass a single person that I knew. What's more, the people that I did see I didn't recognize. It's not that big of a company.I can chalk a certain amount of it to the fact that most people here are pasty, paunchy men without facial hair. I mean... they all look pretty much the same. But to not recognize *anyone*? That's messed up. It's like they are all playing an elaborate prank on me, or perpetrating some sort of hoax. I was tempted to walk up to one of them and try unmasking them, Scooby-Doo style. I'd be all "Let's see who the real Slush Imposter is!" and then I would pull off the mask and all the people who had gathered around me would say in unison "Mr. Pringle!" and then he'd be all "And I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for you pesky kids!" and then I realize I'm only one person and not "kids" and that if I try pulling anyone's face off, I'm liable to get punched, so instead I just went back to my lab and drank some tea, because this day is just too fucking weird.

The End.


* It should be noted that if I noticed the soles of my boots wearing unevenly I would automatically assume that I was gaining superstrength in my calf muscles and would then go about trying to enroll in various Justice League / SuperFriend-type outfits. I would be The Incredible Calf and I would thwart badguys by running up to them really fast and grabbing them with my signature scissorkick move.  And then I would get cocky and be captured by a Super-villian who would point out that "The Incredible Calf" sounds like a veal dish and then I would get depressed and start drinking and I would be that weird guy at the corner of the bar opening imported beer bottles with his freakishly large calves and that would be sad. So it's a good thing my boots aren't worn unevenly.

2 comments:

Mimi said...

I keep going over in my head A)how one would open a beer bottle with one's calves. (If it's imported beer I assume you need a bottle opener sooo... B)"licked rapidly by a thawing frozen peach"....
um...

Okay. Enjoy your tea

Kurt said...

I didn't say anything about being "licked rapidly". Perv. :)