Monday, January 5, 2009

This Ended Up Being About Midget Snuffing, So I'm Sorry

So I'm sitting on the couch and reading Teen Vogue when it suddenly occurs to me that "Holy Shit! I'm reading Teen-Fucking-Vogue*!!" and then I instinctively look around the room to see who has caught me, and then I remember that I'm home alone so no one is catching me .The shame, however, is omnipresent... so there's no way I can hide from THAT.  

The thing is... if you leave a magazine lying around my house, I WILL read it. It doesn't matter one snit that the magazine in question is rooted firmly in the mythos of teenage angst and will properly instruct me on how to balance my look between preppy and punky. I'll devour it with the same zeal as I would a magazine about ninjas or pirates. (or ninjas BATTLING pirates...or hobos or vikings or zombies or robots or geology) If it is on the coffee table when I sit down, I'll read it. 

This worries me.

What if someone sneaks into my house and leaves child pornography or a magazine about midget snuffing (not sure about that being a real thing...but it might be.**) laying there for me to see? Am I a child pornographist or a midget snuffer if I've accidentily picked up a magazine thinking it was Teen Vogue and that I am about to read another lengthy article on the excellence of Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Edward in "Twilight", but rather find myself pornographizing***? Is that indictable? 

I just wanted to know what my spring colors would be, goddamnit!

Then I get to thinking about this whole midget snuffing phenomena I've been hearing so much about lately in my head, and then I remember that they like being called "little people" but "Little people Snuffing" is a misnomer because you might think it's for perverts who are into snuffing people in small quantities and not snuffing people of diminitive stature, and well...we can't have that. If I'm going to go around inventing fucked up shit, I won't have people misinterpreting me. I can't even begin to imagine how you only snuff a person "a little". That's ridiculous. "Snuff" is an action verb! Either they are snuffed or they are unsnuffed. You can't qualify that shit. If anything it would be"attempted snuffery". 

I have now permanently associated "Teen Vogue" with midget snuffing in your mind. You're welcome.

*"Teen Fucking Vogue" WOULD be child pornography so I think I've made an excellent case for how easy this mistake would be to make. Your witness.

** I googled "midget snuffing" and it came back with 963 results, none of which were pornographic but merely coincidental usages of the words "snuffing" and "midget" in the same sentence. When you think about it though, that's a pretty odd coincidence and maybe a lot more people have a hidden desire to see midget snuffing (whatever that actually means). Once I'm unemployed I intend to look into this phenomena in greater detail. 

*** "pornography" is one of the few words that sounds great with ANY suffix, so I was trying out a few new ones. It is also awesome because of the boobies. But that's not what this post is about.


Mimi said...

I felt the same kind of filty dirty guilt when I was stuck at the airport for a long layover and read somone's discarded Dan Brown.

And I agree about the Teen Vougue...and possibly every 14 year old girl on the Disney Channel...

Cynthia said...

This blog just made my pitiful grumpy woe-is-me. It made me laugh and that rocks.